6 Relationship Red Flags That Could Actually Be Green Flags
What you initially deem unattractive relationship scenarios could turn out to be positive traits in the long run
Being in a new relationship is fun. But it can also be daunting. Most of the time, youâre getting to know someone from scratch, and analysing everything they say and do to help you decide if theyâre a good person. If youâre at the stage of your life where youâre looking for a long-term partner, there could be even more pressure for you to come to the conclusion quickly, whether or not theyâre worth your time.
We all have lists of qualities we look for in a partner. And our past relationship experiences, coupled with what weâve been told by others (friends, family, society, the internet) we should look for in a partner, shape how we see them too. For example, we know that there are certain âred flagsâ we should pay attention to so we donât invest too much time in a lost cause.Â
However, we shouldnât be so quick to judge. Some qualities in a person that could seem like a âred flagâ could turn out to be the opposite. In the long term, these are deemed as âgreen flagsâ and desirable qualities in a partner.Â
Weâre often sold the idea that a relationship has to be exciting 24/7 for it to be ârightâ. You know, that crazy stupid love where your partner is constantly surprising you and youâre buzzing just from being with each other. The truth is, being in a relationship long-term is (unfortunately) a lot less exciting.
Itâs also filled with highs and lows. And itâs normal to feel âboredâ sometimes â but in a good way. A relationship can turn into somewhat of a routine where you both do the same things over and over again, especially if youâre living together. However, this is a sign of a safe, secure relationship, where youâre happy doing mundane things together, so it isnât a red flag.
Theyâve either never had a partner before or only been in short-term relationships but youâre looking for a lifelong one and arenât sure if they have the qualities to be in one. Being in relationships teach us what we want (and donât want) from a partner. We also learn a lot about ourselves and, hopefully, change accordingly to become a better person and partner.
But being in many relationships could also result in a lot of baggage. Think of the hurt and resentment we sometimes carry over to the next person we get romantically involved with. This is why not having much relationship experience could be a good thing as they can start with a clean slate and bask in the joy that being in a happy relationship brings.
Your partner doesnât splurge on gifts and always looks for budget options when youâre on holiday. They might not seem like a good catch but them being careful with their money could be a desirable trait. âIf a guy is very stingy on dates, itâs a major turn off,â says Ling*, 34, âbut in the long run it shows that he can plan his finances well.â
Youâll appreciate how good they are with money when youâre more settled in the relationship. So as long as theyâre not doing any âkiasuâ moves like using coupons to buy everything, see this as a positive.
Arguments per se arenât bad for relationships. Itâs what you argue about and how you do this that matters. Itâs impossible to find someone who will agree with you on everything â there are bound to be arguments at some point. As long as the arguments are respectful, itâs not necessarily a bad thing.
Healthy arguments means no screaming matches or blame games. It also means not avoiding whatever it is youâre arguing about by walking away. And not bringing up things from, say, three fights ago. Dealing with uncomfortable conversations together is how couples handle arguments so pay attention to the way youâre arguing decide if itâs a red or green flag.
âWe used to argue often and I was upset about it until I realised our fights were about him wanting me to be a better person,â Dinah*, 38, shares. âFor example, he would remind me about eating better and Iâd get upset that he was ânaggingâ. It was actually him showing he cared.â
Your partnerâs nose is constantly in a book or they are always coming up with new art pieces. They enjoys going for language classes or picking up new skills such as painting or photography. Basically, your partner likes doing things that donât involve you. Just because they enjoys solo activities doesnât mean that they wonât be good at being in a relationship.
âA guyâs interests could revolve around âintrovertedâ activities like reading but then heâll turn out to be a great conversationalist as heâs well read,â says Nisha*, 37.
There are lots of skills your partner could pick up from such hobbies. For example, patience is an important quality when doing creative hobbies like art, and who doesnât want a partner whoâs patient? As long as they are fully present when theyâre with you, let them enjoy their me-time with these activities. Donât forget that you donât have to be joined at the hip to have a successful relationship â having separate lives and interests is a big plus.
Yes, this could be seen as a âproblemâ. Especially if youâre the type who needs to have everything planned. But taking things one day at a time is a less stressful way of doing things. Imagine not being worked up about something not going according to plan. What might seem to some as being âtoo relaxedâ about things is someone who just goes with the flow to others. Itâs important to have goals in life but itâs not necessary to have every day planned out so donât think of it as a bad thing if your partner doesnât see the need to control things on a daily basis.
*not their real names
Text: Balvinder Sandhu/HerWorld