How To Talk To Your Partner About Their Drinking Problem (& Other Tricky Topics)
How do you broach that difficult subject with your partner? Experts share their advice
No matter how close you are to your partner, there are some things that are bound to come in the course of a relationship that will be hard to navigate. Whether it's something you've noticed over time about their behaviour, or maybe something you need to disclose now that you're finally past the dating stage, it's not always easy to broach tricky topics.
When it comes to opening up, it never hurts to have some expert advice on how to navigate a tricky conversation. Here, our experts tell us how to broach some potentially touchy topics.
"Approach this conversation from a position of care and concern. If you come across as judgmental and critical, your partner may become defensive and switch off to what you are saying.
Choose a time to talk when your partner hasn't been drinking. Ask them if they think they have a drinking problem. Most likely they'll say 'no'.
Say: 'I don't know if you are aware but your behaviour changes when you drink. You're not the same person when you drink and that worries me on a lot of levels: how it affects our relationship, your relationships with your friends and workmates – also how it's affecting your body. I'm very concerned and I really want to help you. I love you, but your drinking is eroding our relationship/family.'
If the conversation proves difficult, suggest that you both see your GP for guidance about where to go from here."
- Anne Bruce, nursing unit manager, Northside Clinic, Sydney, NSW
"Don't put off telling your partner you have a sexually transmitted infection (STI). Do it straightaway so they can get tested and treated. Most people appreciate that they have been informed.
It will take courage to tell them. Keep in mind: STIs are very common. Also, if your partner had an STI you would want to know.
It's best to have this conversation face-to-face: texts or emails may be seen by other people. Plan what you'll say. For example, 'This is embarrassing but there's something I have to tell you. I've got X – it's an infection that's passed on through sex.'
They may ask you questions about how and when you got it. Be as honest as possible. Give them a fact sheet from your GP. STIs can go unnoticed for a long time. You may now both have it, so ask your partner to see a GP or sexual health service for testing, and treatment, if necessary."
- Rosey Cummings, nursing services manager, Melbourne Sexual Health Centre
"No matter how long you've been together, a break-up conversation should be face-to-face, not via text or email. Start by saying, 'There's something I need to tell you...'
Share the thoughts that went into your decision, for example, 'I'm not feeling enough chemistry between us' or 'I'm attracted to someone else.'
Giving vague reasons like, 'It's me, not you' makes it difficult for the other person to understand what's happened. Be kind but truthful. There's no point in saying that there's no one else if there is. Being deceived makes people feel foolish and no one wants that.
Don't say you're not ready for a relationship if you do want a relationship – just not with them. Don't give false hope. It may feel kinder to say there's a chance you'll be together one day, but that just makes it harder for them to move on."
- Jo Lamble, clinical psychologist, Sydney, NSW
"Admitting that you lied to your partner can be difficult as trust is the cornerstone of a relationship. Start by reminding him of a time when he had to own up to something that was difficult for him.
Then say, 'Now I find myself in a similar position. There is something I'm not proud of and I need to tell you about it. I lied to you... (say when you lied) when I... (tell them exactly what you lied about). I'm sorry that I lied.'
Acknowledge that deceiving them was wrong and tell them why you lied. If they react with anger or tears, just be there for them. Declare your love and promise you won't lie again.
For example, say, 'I really love you and want us to have a secure and honest relationship. I promise I won't lie to you again.'
Finally, say you are sorry again, but make sure it sounds sincere."
- Dr Janet Hall, clinical psychologist, Richmond, Vic.
Often people who were sexually abused as a child or adolescent hold in anger and sadness that can create problems in their intimate relationships – especially if their partner doesn't know it happened. By telling your partner, you at least start to talk about it. This will help you begin to release some of that built-up emotion, and it will also help your partner understand you better.
Pick a time when you feel relaxed, when you're not going to be interrupted and you have your partner's full attention. Tell them, 'There's something important that I want to tell you about me – something that happened to me.'
Share with them some details about what happened. If your partner asks questions, just tell them the truth.
If you're worried about how they're going to react, talk to a therapist about how to approach it with your partner so you have support through the process.
- Jennifer Garth, psychologist, Sydney, NSW
The first thing to understand is that whatever the problem is, it's not purely your partner's problem. If you want change, both people in the relationship have to change.
Using 'I' statements will help your partner stay receptive to what you're saying. Saying accusatory things like, 'You never listen to me...' or 'You're so lazy...' will make them defensive.
Choose a time to talk when your partner is not in a rush. Start with, 'When you do X' (name the behaviour you don't like), 'I feel X' (say how you feel – for example, angry, sad). 'What I need you to do is X' (tell them what you want them to do differently).
Finish by telling them how this will benefit you and the relationship. For example, 'This will show me that we're working together as a team.'
Also tell them what you'll change, for example, that you'll stop nagging them or withdrawing."
- Melanie Kelly, psychologist, Terrigal, NSW.
Text: bauersyndication.com.au