How To Start Dating Again When You Are Older (or Divorced)
Because the stakes are higher when you are older and looking for a second chance at lasting love
By The Weekly -
Love, romance and great sex can happen more than once in your lifetime. And that's good news if you are a single woman who hasn't dated in a while, says relationship expert and online confidence coach Mel Schilling.
But she explains that the last few years of the pandemic have not made it easy to find love. WFH has robbed us of opportunities to network, so most of us have not been meeting new people. And if you are a single or divorced parent you also have kids to look after, which can make it even harder to meet someone new.
But it can be done! Especially now things are opening up again. It's exciting – but also scary. The pandemic means we have not had much recent practice at making small talk with strangers. Plus, the dating scene is very different now to how things used to be – just look at the growing popularity of dating apps in Singapore.
But the good news that is our enforced lockdown and WFH time at home has given us the chance to think about what we really want from a relationship. Plus, meeting new people is a learned skill – and that means the more you do it, the easier it gets.
With all this in mind, Mel Schilling shares how to prepare mentally before you jump back into the dating pool, so you can find the love you deserve.
A deal-breaker is something that is connected to the core of who you are. It's a value that is so important to your wellbeing and happiness that if someone turned up on a date showing they do not share this value, you could walk away and not look back.
Most people have between one and three deal-breakers. For example, maybe you value honesty above all things. If you get the sense that the guy is contradicting himself, or stretching the truth, it will be an easy decision not to see him again.
Your deal-breakers are so important to your long term happiness that it's important you think about them carefully. They'll make it much easier for you to spot if a relationship is a good fit for you, or a waste of your time.
Family is a common deal-breaker. If you want to start a family, you have every right to bring it up early on in the dating journey. It's a good opportunity to test the water in terms of alignment about the baby issue.
Deal-breakers are non-negotiable. But it gets more tricky when you look at relationship preferences. These are things you want – but you can let them slide if the deeper, deal-breaker core values are in place in the relationship. For example, you may prefer to date someone older than you, or taller, or more sexually experienced, or you might prefer someone who is very romantic or who speaks your dialect.
But if everything else in the relationship is going well, would you be willing to compromise on some (or all) of these preferences?
While you are thinking about your preferences, also take the time to "find your flow" in life. Find what you enjoy doing, and do more of it! Because the first step in returning to dating is to date yourself. You need to get in touch with your passions and find things in life that bring you joy. Because when people are enjoying their lives they become more attractive to others, as well.
A great way to enter the dating world is to know what you bring to the table. What are your greatest strengths? What do people like about you? We often lack confidence and find it very easy to list all our weaknesses. When we think about dating someone we worry that we are old, too fat, too bossy, too shy, too boring, too busy being a mother, too busy at work, no one will want us... the list goes on and on.
But when did you last list all your positive characteristics? When did you last think about your strengths and what you do well? Maybe you are a resilient and cheerful person? Or perhaps you have an amazing sense of direction? What makes you special?
A good place to start is to do the free online quizzes at authentichappiness.com. This website is run by psychologists at the University of Pennsylvania and the quizzes can help you work out your personal character strengths.
Once you have identified your top three strengths, try to recall a story (or stories) from your life where you showed those strengths. Telling a story about yourself is important because it lets you share an authentic picture of yourself on your date, without saying "I'm so great!" Instead of boasting you get to highlight what makes you special in an interesting way – because people love to listen to stories.
People sometimes feel embarrassed by online dating, or they worry that joining a dating agency will make them look "desperate". Frankly, that's old-fashioned thinking. You can sit around waiting for a great guy to fall from the sky, but it's much less likely. Think of it this way – if you are looking for a new job, do you just sit in your bedroom and hope someone will spot you? Probably not. You are more likely to be active and update your CV or resume, update your LinkedIn profile, and search job websites. You get out there and hustle for what you want, and that's a good thing.
Online dating websites, dating agencies and dating apps are just tools to help you speed up the process of meeting suitable strangers. Few of us know thousands of people who can introduce us to new people. As well as weeding out people who are really not suitable for you, dating apps can increase your chances of finding a great match you would never find on your own.
Having said all that, the odds are you will go on at least one date with a guy who decides you are not his cup of tea. Which brings us to the next point...