I Avoid Going To Bed When My Husband Is Waiting For Me

There are nights when I deliberately take my time before going to bed.

Not because I don’t want to sleep, but because I know my husband is already there. Waiting.

And suddenly, something as simple as going to bed doesn’t feel like rest anymore. It feels like… expectation.

When Celeste and I started talking about parenthood and sex on Too Tired Mums, I found myself saying this out loud for the first time.

“Sometimes if I’m not in the mood, I don’t want to be in the bed ’cause it feels like a trap.”

A trap.

It sounds harsh, but if you’ve ever been touched out, mentally drained, and still running through your to-do list for the next day, you’ll get it. It’s one of the realities of intimacy after kids that we don’t talk about enough.

In those moments, intimacy can feel less like connection — and more like one more thing being asked of you.

Why some mums avoid bedtime

So what happens instead?

I linger. On the sofa. At my work table.

I’m suddenly very invested in replying to emails or working on a task that could absolutely wait till the next day. Even folding laundry.

I tell myself I’m just “finishing up a few things”.

But really, I’m just waiting.

Waiting for him to grow tired and fall asleep first.

“Foreplay” starts at 6pm

Here’s what I’ve come to realise in my own marriage.

Foreplay doesn’t start at night. It starts earlier in the day.

My husband needs to “chalk up points”. I say that half-jokingly, but also not really.

• Doing the dishes without being asked
• Putting the kids to bed
• Being patient with the kids, especially when they’re pushing every button

All these things matter, because they lighten both my mental and physical load. And for many mums, mental load has a direct impact on intimacy.

When that load feels lighter, I feel less overwhelmed. Less exhausted. More like myself. And naturally, more open to my husband’s advances.

Timing matters too

Of course, it’s not just about effort.

There are certain times in the month when I’m simply more receptive. For me, it’s usually the week after my period ends — from days 8 to 15.

It makes sense. Oestrogen and testosterone levels peak in the lead-up to ovulation, which can affect desire and intimacy for many women.

And then there are days when it’s a hard no.

PMS. A long day. Getting rubbed the wrong way (I mean this in every way).

No amount of “points” can override that.

And this is something we don’t talk about enough either.

Maybe that’s the biggest lesson I’ve learnt about intimacy after kids: it’s less about what happens in the bedroom, and more about how we show up for each other throughout the day.

Intimacy isn’t just about intercourse

If anything, this conversation reminded me that intimacy isn’t all-or-nothing. It definitely isn’t just about intercourse.

There are nights when we get a full, proper session (yay to those).

And there are nights when it’s just lying side by side, with a hug or a quick kiss before bed.

And that counts too.

Because in this season of life — with kids, work, and everything else — sometimes the most romantic thing a partner can do… is simply putting the kids to bed.

Watch the Too Tired Mums episode here.

Too Tired Mums is The Singapore Women’s Weekly’s original talk show series that gives motherhood its most honest voice — where real mums open up about the things we don’t always say out loud, reminding us that we’re never truly alone.

Host: Estelle Low
Guest: Celeste Phua
Producer: Maya Eman
Art director: Michelle Lee
Videography, studio setup and editing: Studio+65
Makeup: Dorcas Yam, using Dior
Hairstyling: Pattama Phumriew, using Schwarzkopf Osis+
Fashion styling: Angela Chu, assisted by Tricia Fan
Outfits: On Estelle, Onitsuka Tiger. On Celeste, Brunello Cucinelli