According to Dr Sanveen Kang, divorce has a huge impact on children and can be one of the most stressful events they can experience. “Children see their parents and family as one unit,” she explains. “They do not just refer to one parent when they are talking about their parents, they shave an expectation that they are singular, unitary front with similar ideals.”

As a result, it can be hard for children to reconcile the changes in this structure, at least initially. Says Dr. Kang, “it is safe to assume that a divorce is a traumatic event in a child’s life. It can also be referred to as an adverse childhood experience (ACEs). Experiencing ACEs during childhood can disrupt a child’s development and impact their social, emotional, and cognitive well-being well into adulthood.”

But divorce doesn’t have to be nasty. “Most divorces that take place amicably do not affect children any more than the typical disagreements that take place in intact families,” says June Fong.

“Research has shown that it is not the divorce per se, but the level of conflict and quality of parenting and co-parenting that takes place after the divorce that has an impact on children. It can be much more damaging to a child to witness both parents fighting than to watch them separate.”

Fong has had clients tell her that they actually experience relief when their parents divorce. “This way they don’t have to put up with the tension in the house when both parents are ignoring each other, relying on the children as messengers, arguing, or being physically violent with each other.”

What is most important, she notes, is how parents respond to their child post-divorce. Children who adjust poorly mainly do so because of the following:

• Being exposed to ongoing conflict or hostility
• Losing contact with one parent after the divorce
• Being pressured to take sides and choose between their parents
• Having to act like an adult and meet their parents’ emotional needs

It’s also important to note that a child’s reaction will change over time, but that in the first year, they are likely to feel anger, fear, depression, and even guilt.

Children will understand divorce different, depending on their developmental age.

Preschool age

“Preschool children (aged three to five) typically react with sadness, anger and fear. Boys may become more boisterous and restless,” says Fong. “In school, they might withdraw from friends or get into fights more than before. Girls tend to internalise their emotions and may react by trying to be overly ‘perfect’. Children in general may cry and become more demanding.”

She also notes that some may regress and act younger than their age during these stressful times. Examples of this include bed-wetting, sucking their thumbs, becoming more clingy or asking to be fed. They might also experience nightmares and sleep disturbances.

School-going age

“Divorce seems to be especially difficult for six- to eight-year-old children,” says Fong. “There are a lot of adjustments in terms of a new routine, separate homes, access with the non-residential parent, and possibly new schools as well (if the care and control parent is moving).”

These children are likely to express their sadness, cry openly or blame themselves. They might feel that their parents have rejected them. Stress can also be demonstrated in trouble concentrating in school. Children at this age may harbour hopes their parents will reconcile.

9 – 12 years old

“Older children tend to be angrier as they are old enough to witness things and understand the context surrounding the divorce,” notes Fong. “Parents may also intentionally or inadvertently share details of the breakdown of the marriage with these older kids, which results in the children being prone to taking sides with one parent against the other and assigning blame. You may see school performance drop and other behavioural problems emerging, such as having trouble getting along with friends, getting into fights with peers or somatic complaints such as headaches or stomach aches.”

Teens

“Teens in general may adjust better to family disruption because they are at a stage where they are more independent and do not need as much supervision and guidance as younger children. Some teens I see try and distance themselves from the family as a way of keeping the family tension at bay,” says Fong.

“They may choose to focus on their studies and friends and become more involved in social and other recreational activities as a way of coping. Their main concern is about how the separation will affect their future such as schooling and finances. Adolescents are also more verbal and mature in thinking and probably can resist the pressure to be pulled into “loyalty conflicts” better.”

For Dr Sanveen Kang, the most important thing is to make sure you tell your children before someone else (like a teacher or grandparent) can.

“Children will probably remember this conversation, what you say, when and where they hear it. It would be best to work as a pair to decide how you will inform them. Ideally you do this together as a pair.”

While adults can understand that divorce is a complex, multi-faceted situation, this is not the case with children. “Children tend to view it in concrete and self-centred terms,” explains Dr. Kang. “Hence, it would be worthwhile sharing once you know the details – when you separating, are there going to be changes to how the family lives, will a parent be moving out, where will their pet live, what does this mean for your child, and above all, reassuring them about how you will support them through this. Also, it’s best that this is done together.”

Both Dr Sanveen Kang and June Fong agree that parents should break the news together and be as open as possible. As Fong says, “The legal process can stretch out as long as two to three years or more, depending on the number of issues parents are in dispute about. That’s a long time to be keeping children in the dark about a very personal situation that impacts their day-to-day functioning.”

She suggests telling the children once the court has determined their care with regards to custody and visitation issues. “If the divorce is amicable, breaking the news at this stage has the added advantage of giving the child a voice over how he/she wishes to spend time with each parent. It helps them be more in control of things,” says Fong. “If the divorce is acrimonious (angry and bitter), children will inevitably be drawn into the crosshairs of the ongoing legal proceedings, so it would make sense to inform them early about what is happening so that they can be mentally prepared for what lies ahead.”

However she is keen to stress that this doesn’t mean parents should give their children unnecessary details as to why the marriage is ending or to complain about the other parent. “I am a strong advocate of giving the right amount of information to children rather than leaving them in a vacuum which exacerbates their feelings of confusion and anxiety. Remember that the aim of such a conversation is to lessen distress, not add to it.”

“Research shows that three factors help children of any age adjust after divorce: having a strong relationship with both parents (when possible and when the child wants it); plain good parenting (what experts call maintaining parenting capacity); and minimal exposure to conflict,” says Dr. Kang

Help your child adjust to the reality of the divorce based on where they are developmentally and also don’t try and blame the other parent or say it’s “their fault” for the divorce. This will cause your children to feel caught in the middle, or in a loyalty bind, and that isn’t healthy for them.

One way to do that is the simple use of the term “we”. “This shows a united front,” says Dr. Kang. “Invite a discussion (both during and after the initial talk) about what your children are thinking and feeling in response to the news. Keep in mind that this will not be one single conversation, but rather an ongoing discussion.”

Ultimately, if parents keep their children’s wellbeing in mind while processing their separation, it will help to remind them what the end goal is. Forcing them to choose between a parent, or emotionally manipulating them into blaming one more than the other isn’t healthy either.

“A good way to move forward is to tell the children that you will support their relationship with the other parent (unless there are indications of risks to the children’s safety, in which case, you might need to seek legal advice on the next steps to take),” says Fong. This might sound like “even though Daddy and Mummy do not get along, he will always be your father and I want you to continue seeing him and enjoying your time with him” (and vice versa for mother).

Going back to the idea of parents as a singular unit, a divorce doesn’t mean that has to end for the child. “Parents can reassure children that both parents will continue to see them and be part of their lives (e.g., “I will miss you but I will be picking you up from school on weekdays and seeing you on Saturdays”),” says Fong. Ultimately, in the long run, this is healthier and more beneficial to all, then staying together and being miserable.

Read Next

How To Talk To Kids: Broaching Difficult Topics Like Death — What's An Appropriate Age?

How To Talk To Kids: My Child Says "I Hate You" And Swears

How To Talk To Kids: Discussing Miscarriages And Stillbirths