When it comes to parenting practices, there’s no doubt that it has changed over the years, especially with the rise of the Internet and social media, and a deluge of approaches and advice at our disposal. How are parents doing it now? What has changed compared to when they were kids? In conjunction with Mother’s Day, the Weekly speaks to four modern mums, on their mantras when it comes to raising their kids, how their own childhood has shaped their parenting styles, and their journey and struggles as a working mother.
You may have seen the buzzy term ‘respectful parenting’ floating around on TikTok or Instagram, but what does it really mean? Like its name suggests, it embraces the notion of mutual respect in a parent-child relationship. “It’s about allowing our children to express their emotions so they learn how to process difficult feelings and events, and trusting that they are innately good and willing, and able to work with us,” says Kelly Tay, a respectful parenting coach.
Kelly, 34, is also the founder of Juicy Parenting, an online parenting course and membership-based community. The former financial journalist at The Business Times and later on head of DBS’s Chief Investment Office editorial team left her job to become a stay-at-home mum, before starting Juicy Parenting.
She shares, “I specialise in helping Asian parents drop the cane, stop the yelling, and actually enjoy parenthood. I show parents how these seemingly “Western-only” respectful parenting principles can actually work in Asian contexts (although I should also say many of my clients aren’t Asian!). As cheesy as it sounds, I truly love my job.”
Her husband Andrew, 41, is a manager at a Big Tech company, and they have two kids, one who’s nearly three and a 10-month-old. She clues us in on what respectful parenting really is about, having age-appropriate expectations of her children, and why she’s vowed never to have a cane in her household.
Kelly Tay (KT): I practice respectful parenting — which is honestly easier to understand in terms of what it is not. It isn’t hitting or caning my children, or shouting at them to berate them into submission. It isn’t manipulating or coercing them into doing what I’d like, or forcing them to stuff away their emotions for my own convenience. And it isn’t seeing them as master manipulators who are hell-bent on being contrarian and making my life difficult.
In contrast, it’s about respecting that they are their own unique and worthy selves; understanding the science behind their neurodevelopment so I have age-appropriate expectations; allowing them to express their emotions so they learn how to process difficult feelings and events, and trusting that they are innately good and willing, and able to work with me.
It’s important to note that it isn’t permissive parenting. I have high expectations of my kids and I hold boundaries very firmly – but I am warm, compassionate, and kind in the process, and I support them through the difficult feelings they may have.
I firmly believe that much of the work of parenting lies not in what we do or say to our kids, but in the inner work we need to do within ourselves. Healing old wounds from our own childhood, working to understand and decode our triggers, and learning ways to healthily process difficult emotions like rage or shame — all of these are way more important than any script we say to our kids.
KT: One of the things I’m most grateful for is how my parents handled academics — they were pretty un-Singaporean in their approach in that they never pressured me to get straight As, or become a doctor, lawyer or banker etc. They told me to study what I enjoyed, so I ended up majoring in English Literature at university, and later did a Master’s in Arts & Culture Journalism. While conventionally seen as “useless” degrees, they believed I would pick up skills and experiences that would stand me in good stead. I would do the same with my kids in a heartbeat and support them in pursuing what they enjoy.
Another thing I really value is how available my parents are — not just to me, but to others as well – to bounce ideas off. People really value their experience and counsel. I’d love for my kids to see me in that light, too.
As for what I’m doing differently — quite a few things!
I think one of the biggest differences is I’ve vowed never to have a cane in my household. That’s quite different from how I was raised; I don’t know a single person among my peers who wasn’t caned as a child. I truly believe there are better ways to impart life lessons than physical violence, and I don’t want my children to “behave” just because they’re afraid of my wrath.
I’ve also made a conscious choice to avoid phrases like “don’t cry”, “stop whining” or “enough (of yor meltdown or crying)!”. I try to teach my children that feelings are not things to be ashamed or afraid of; instead, they’re compasses that give us valuable information about what to do next.
I also believe there is so much wisdom in being able to sit with difficult feelings and process them healthily, as opposed to stuffing them down and pretending they don’t exist. Emotional intelligence is key! I live by “all feelings are okay, but not all behaviours are” — it’s okay for my child to be upset with her brother, but it’s not okay for her to throw blocks at him.
I want to emphasise that just because I now choose to do some things differently from my own parents, doesn’t mean I disrespect their parenting style. On the contrary, I admire my parents greatly and know they did their utmost best with the knowledge and tools they had. In fact, I really think they are the poster children (or poster grandparents!) for lifelong learning — they are extremely willing to listen to my views on respectful parenting, and have been open to trying new ways of grandparenting. It has been beautiful seeing them interact with my children — and quite amusing to hear them say to my daughter: “It’s okay to cry!”
KT: I actually teach a five-step framework in my course on exactly this – how to respond during a tantrum! The first and most important step, to me, is to take a second: Pause and observe the situation, to check any assumptions we may have about the situation, our child, and ourselves.
For example, consider this scenario: After eating some ice-cream, your toddler starts melting down. You immediately jump to: “Oh dear, the sugar crash is real, I’m never giving him ice-cream again.”
But how do you 100 per cent know the meltdown is over a sugar crash? What else could be true? Taking the time to pause and observe could bring to light other possibilities:
- Perhaps the toddler is realising the ice-cream cup is getting empty — and is now upset that his lovely connection time (of sharing ice-cream together with his parent) is over.
- Perhaps the toddler is having a brain freeze for the first time ever, and can’t find the words to communicate the discomfort, given how new the sensation is.
- Perhaps the toddler is upset about something completely unrelated — maybe something else that happened three hours ago, that they just recalled.
- And perhaps the toddler really is having a sugar crash.
The point is, there are many possible reasons that may not have aligned with our initial read of the situation.
KH: “My child isn’t being difficult; they’re having a difficult time.” This really helps to remind me that (contrary to popular belief), children aren’t out to be little sh*t-stirrers or master manipulators; their behaviour is simply telling us: “Hey, I’ve only been on this earth for two years, I need help regulating my emotions and I can’t do it alone. I need you!” That perspective always helps me stay calm and compassionate, which is really a game-changer.
The second would be, “Do less, be more.” I think that we’re often caught up with this idea that we have to do so many things with/for our kids — elaborate sensory play ideas, baby music classes — but actually, the most valuable thing we can give our kids is our presence. Showing up in an authentic and attentive manner is worth so much more than anything we could buy for our children.
KT: I love seeing my children grow into the unique people they are. Now that my daughter is extremely verbal and so wonderful at expressing herself, I’m gaining insight into what she thinks and how her brain works — and it’s a marvel to behold. I sometimes catch myself looking at my children in disbelief, thinking: “I can’t believe we made them!”. Even at 10 months old, my son has such a distinct personality — and it is a joy to witness it all unfold.
KT: Yes, I 100 per cent get mum guilt! When I became a mum of two, I fretted over how my second child would never know my undivided attention the way my firstborn did. Still, I try to remind myself that my second child may not have the same one-on-one time with me, but he has a far wiser and more experienced mother!
Balancing motherhood and work-life has been an interesting experience for me. When my first child was born, I extended my maternity leave to no-pay leave, so I could be with my daughter each day for her first year of life. However, around the 10-month mark, I ended up tendering my resignation, because it was clear to me that I enjoyed being home with her, and wanted to be her primary caregiver. It meant being tighter with our finances, but my husband was fully supportive of my decision and we jointly committed to making it work.
So I quit my corporate job — which I very much enjoyed, by the way! — and left a decade of financial writing. During that time as a stay-at-home mum, there wasn’t much tension between work and motherhood. I had the luxury and privilege of focusing on my daughter. However, I did use the time to take many parenting courses, and I definitely felt guilty at times for spending those hours away from my child!
Two years later, after my second child was born, I decided to start Juicy Parenting and dive into parent coaching. Because I was starting my own business from scratch, I worked the hardest I ever have! I enjoyed it immensely, but it was a lot of working at night after the kids went to bed, and into the wee hours of the morning. When I fell ill, I knew this wasn’t sustainable and had to recalibrate expectations of how quickly (or slowly) I could reasonably expect my business to fall into place.
In the days leading up to Juicy Parenting’s launch, I relied heavily on my parents to watch the kids while I holed myself up in a bedroom working. I would work in blocks of time while the kids napped and/or were engaged by my folks and their helper, and the mum guilt (at not being physically there) was very real!
To be honest with you, I’m not sure I fully have the answers about how to deal with mum guilt. It’s a work in progress for me.
KT: If there’s one thing I want to say, it’s that this toxic idea of “women can do it all” needs to die! It sets up a false expectation that women can and should operate at 110 per cent all the time — as wives, mothers, workers, daughters, sisters, and friends — with no ball dropping. It’s bullsh*t and needs to end.
It IS extremely frustrating sometimes as a mother, to feel so needed physically and emotionally all the time. I am grateful to my parents and their helper for watching the kids while I try to get some exercise in. I also love that my husband tries to do breakfast with the kids so I can sleep in a little.
As for finding time for myself, I don’t know that I have this figured out either… I will say, though, that the idea of “seasons of life” resonates strongly with me. While parenting young children, growing my own business, and staying connected with my husband can be super challenging, I also feel at peace knowing that this crazy season of life will continue to evolve. And I try to remain open to all the possibilities change can bring.