I’ve always loved kids and felt a longing for my own, whether by birth or otherwise. When I was younger, relatives would ask what I wanted to be when I grew up and I would say “a mother”.

I consumed many parenting books before even having kids, partially because I was in the education sector and felt that it would help to have some behavioural management knowledge.

As a young parent, what are the struggles you faced starting out?

What do you wish you knew before becoming a mum?

I wish I knew how much of a sacrifice I would have to make in many aspects of my life.

I’ve lost a lot of my sense of self.

Because I was the first few among my friends to have kids, many of them gradually stopped asking me out. I also couldn’t meet them at night (which is the prime time for meetup) since I had to settle my kids’ bedtime routines. I didn’t have time to pursue any hobbies or interests. I felt like I was either Mrs Liu or Mummy most of the time.

How did you deal with losing your sense of self? How have you lost your independence?

Honestly, I didn’t really do much about it. I just accepted it as a part of parenthood and relished my independence when I got to do my own activities.

Whenever I’m with my kids, I can’t watch the movies I want to watch, visit places I want to go, eat food I want to eat, or listen to music that I like. For the past five years, my Spotify Wrapped has been dominated by kids’ songs. Thankfully, it’s getting better because I’ve introduced Taylor Swift songs to my kids and they request for it sometimes.

Food-wise, we don’t order anything the adults want to eat because we will likely have to eat the kids’ leftovers to avoid wasting food. Small things like these take up bits of your life, adding up over the years.

Thankfully, I’ve made lots of mum friends. And I got reconnected with many old friends after they became mums, as we could talk about motherhood together. Of course, the closest friends never left and grew together with us.

Circuit breaker – having to juggle childcare, the home, and work at the same time. I had a child on my lap while I taught at times. I also had to skip some meetings here and there. My husband stayed plugged into his meetings while feeding the kids or tending to them.

We also had to split up the childcare load and “close one eye” when it came to things like screen time or what to feed the kids. 

How do you manage your career with being a mother?

When I’m with my kids, I do my best to be fully present with them. Of course, I don’t always succeed. I find myself checking my phone to reply to texts ever so often. Thankfully, my partners have all been very understanding — many of them are parents themselves. They’ve helped to cover for me when I fell ill (I had appendicitis earlier this year) or when I blocked out my schedule for the kids. I’ve been learning to be more conscious of how I spend my time, and to prioritise the “glass balls”.

Since you work for Feng Xiang, do your kids enjoy eating bak kut teh?

No, my kids have a diverse palate. Their top choice is always Japanese food. My son loves grilled unagi (which I cannot prepare well) and my daughter loves udon (which I can somewhat cook up). Because I have so many jobs to juggle, we hardly have time to cook at home nowadays.

That spanking is needed to “discipline” children. I wouldn’t hit an adult, and I don’t expect anyone to hit me. It’s basic decency and respect. If I spank a child, I show them that when I feel angry or wronged, I should resort to violence. That, in turn, shows them that they have permission to do that to others around them.

I remember how afraid and helpless I felt when I was caned as a child, and I don’t want my kids to feel that way. I also don’t believe in corporal punishment in the judicial system but that’s a conversation for another day.

We don’t “discipline” in our house; we problem-solve. We see behavioural issues as a sign of underlying problems that lead to undesirable choices. By talking through the problems and coming up with a solution everyone can agree with, we address everyone’s concerns respectfully and learn how to work together as a family too. Of course I am not a saint and I get angry sometimes, but I feel it’s important to apologise when I do and let my children know that I am also human and have emotions.

Have you and your partner had different parenting approaches? How did you deal with that?

Before our kids were born, I had to introduce to him ideas about positive parenting to get him to unlearn the concepts of parenting that our parents’ generation instilled in us. Thankfully, we were pretty much on the same page. I’ve also learnt to pick my battles and not sweat the small stuff. If there’s anything I disagree with him on, I wait until we are alone to address it with him.

We do our best not to undermine the other person and support them instead when in front of the kids.

What’s a recent #mumguilt moment?

Rushing through bedtime routine with the kids so that I can get down to finishing my work after they go to sleep. Feeding them McDonald’s instead of a homecooked meal because I didn’t have time to cook after work.

When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?

Childcare is expensive. The subsidy for childcare should be much more since prices for childcare have been steadily increasing. I also feel like dads in general are stepping up and pulling their weight at home. It would be great if everyone could be in an equal partnership!

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