All the research shows that you can’t positively and effectively influence a child if you don’t first create a real and meaningful connection with them. It’s a foundational block for the quality of any parent/child relationship, and there are many ways to forge the connection: through active listening, being fully present, validating their feelings, asking curiosity questions, finding a solution with them, committing to GEMS (Genuine Encounter Moments), and lots of hugs.

In one of her more popular blog posts, Kim elaborated: “Once the connection is made, children are then much more open to hearing respectful correction. If the correction is seen to come from unconnectedness, the acceptance rate is much lower. If we as parents take the time required to develop this wide, deep, and durable connection, our less popular moves (correction) are more likely to be not only accepted but effective.”

When your child outrightly refuses to do what he/she is asked, it’s tempting to start nagging and launching into a lecture. Stop, your child has already tuned out.

Kim points out that it’s often not the actual issue that’s the problem but a child needing or wanting more power and control. Rather than nagging them into submission, she suggests instead redirecting their behaviour.

“Do less talking and more friendly action. Parents nag their children so much that they become “parent deaf ”. If you ask your child to pick up her toy and she says, “in just a minute”, after a minute, put on a smile and walk her over to her toy. If she says, “what?”, just point to the toy and walk away. Once you start answering her questions, explaining, or negotiating, you have just opened the door to engage in a verbal power struggle.”

Don’t you hate it when your boss/colleague gives you a long list of instructions and then proceeds to repeat them non-stop? That’s what your child is subjected to daily, from you.

Parents make non-stop requests of their children daily (“brush your teeth”, “put your toys away”, “take out the rubbish”), it’s no wonder they tune out. Kim advises: “Use one word. In the above example, that one word would simply be “toy”. Use a friendly voice and use just one word. They will know exactly what you want and need, for example, “teeth”, “toys”, “rubbish”.”

Every parent wants a connected relationship with their child but sometimes it’s not possible to connect. In moments of meltdowns and tantrums, Kim’s advice is to give a child choices so they have some control over what happens to them.

• Concrete choice: “Do you want to take your bath before or after dinner?”
• Playful choice: “Do you want to hop like a bunny to bed or fly like an airplane?”
• Choice with an incentive: “If you brush your teeth right now, we’ll have time for an extra story.”
• Choice with a consequence: “You can either get in the car seat all by yourself, or I can help you.”

It’s difficult to create a connection with a child whose behaviour is, in that moment, irrational or out of control. This is the time Kim reminds parents to remember that they cannot influence children in a positive way until they create a connection with them.

“As difficult as it sounds, parents may need to put the misbehaviour to the side, and work on connecting. Parents could simply be calm and present…. help hold their child’s big emotions. Be silent and put your arms out, offering a hug if the child is ready. Try listening to your child and repeating back what you hear them saying. Ask your child if they’d like any ideas or help. Ask them lots of questions without judgement.

Remember, though, not every moment is a teachable moment. For the brain to learn and grow, one needs to feel safe. You may need to let things go temporarily, and you can address the issue once everyone is calm and in a better space.”

It’s a thin line separating the two but the differences have long-standing effects.

“The key difference between [the two] is praise shares your own approval of your child, while encouragement supports and inspires them. Praise is directed directly towards the child, while encouragement looks at the effort the child put into the task.

“I’m so proud of you for getting an A on your project” is praise, while “You worked hard on your project, you must be proud of yourself” is encouragement.

Encouragement teaches children to put forth effort for their own sake, not to seek approval from others. Parents, stay away from starting your sentence with “I”. It doesn’t matter what you think. Try starting your sentences with “You”. We ultimately want our children to work hard and learn the satisfaction of achieving something that is important to them.”

There is a misconception that democratic parenting means the absence of limits or rules. Treating a child as an equal is merely about treating them with respect and dignity, giving them choices so they are made responsible for their decisions.

“If I’ve been consistent with anything, it’s probably my democratic parenting style. Kind and firm is something I’ve always subscribed to, from before I was a parent. I believed in this philosophy from the beginning of my career teaching primary school-aged children for 12 years, prior to having my own children.”

In practice, a kind and firm stance helps to set a respectful tone in the home and can sound like this:

1. “I love you, AND the answer is no.”
2. “I know you don’t want to stop playing, AND it is time for dinner.”
3. “I can tell you don’t want to clean up your toys, AND what was our agreement?”

To learn more about positive discipline parenting skills sign up for her upcoming in-person class. Go to www.empoweredparenting.com/parenting-with-positive-discipline for more information.

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