Often when a couple are going through a divorce, the child of the marriage is faced with the harsh reality of a parent who has walked out on the family, sometimes to be with another partner. Alternatively, perhaps it is a closing chapter in what has been years of witnessing parents fight or keep up with false pretences.  Sometimes overnight, any sense of belonging might be pulled from under their feet and the child is left with a sense of loss and confusion. 

It is therefore important to ensure that when a couple decides to divorce, that they put aside their bitterness towards each other and form a team to protect their child. This should include sitting the child down and discussing what is going to happen to the family after the divorce. It is important to validate the feelings of the child and to ensure that they have an outlet to verbalise what might be going on inside. 

You must address any concerns that the child might have. Some children will retreat and some might lash out, the important thing to remember is that every Child needs to feel loved and secure. The internal dialogue of some children might be, “If Mum and Dad have stopped loving each other, then perhaps one day they would stop loving me”. This might translate into the child making decisions that are borne out of that insecurity. You must reassure the child and provide safe space for them to process the full spectrum of emotions.

It is therefore important to surround yourself with a supportive network of family and friends who can step in when matters get too overwhelming for you. 

You do not need to face this alone. Even if you feel that you are a strong woman and do not seem to be affected by the prospect of divorce, it is important to see a counsellor when you go through this process as you will be doing both yourself and your children a huge service.

You should avail yourself of the support systems in place so that you can navigate through the particular issues that concern children, all without pulling your hair out. The Ministry of Social and Family Development provides specialised services and programs for divorcing or divorced families through Divorce Support Specialist Agencies (DSSAs). There are six DSSAs throughout the island. 

DSSAs are staffed by trained counsellors and social workers. These counsellors are equipped with specialised skills to handle divorce matters. These agencies adopt a child-centric approach and they have short term programs such as ‘Children in Between’ which is a free program for parents and their children between the ages of 6 to 15. These programs can be for either children or  divorcing parents and is a free workshop.

In cases where the situation at home is very tense and parents are facing high conflict divorces, DSSAs can assist with supervised exchange or visitation programs. Specially trained counsellors there can assist with complex family dynamics. Some divorces go on for as long as 20 years because of multi-national and ongoing complex issues. In such extreme scenarios you must tap into the support of agencies and counsellors to walk the journey with you. 

There are also many free support programs such as “The Big Brother” and “Big Sister” program which is a befriending programme for children aged 10 to 16. You and your child should not be facing this divorce alone. The Mandatory Parenting Program is a compulsory program for parents going through divorce with children under 21.

READ MORE:
You Asked We Answered: 10 Most Googled Questions About Divorce
15 Things A Divorce Lawyer Wants You To Know But Won’t Tell You
A Relationship Guru Spills Her Top Tips For Dating After A Divorce

Under the Women’s Charter, a child is entitled to reasonable maintenance until they turn 21. The Women’s Charter is one of the main legislations in Singapore concerning divorce. Whilst the burden of child maintenance traditionally fell squarely on a father’s back, things have now changed. If both parents are working, the Family Courts are now more likely to make both parents contribute towards the education of the child in the proportion of their income, amongst other factors.

The Family Courts in Singapore will now look at various factors in deciding on child maintenance. The Court will look at factors such as the financial needs of the child, the income and earning capacity of each parent, the contributions made by both parties during the course of the marriage, amongst other things. 

Child maintenance orders will normally cease once the child turns 21 unless the child has a physical disability, is serving in national service or still undergoing tertiary education.

As amicable divorces are the less stressful for all parties involved, you and your husband can work out child maintenance for your child. It is best to think of where the child will undergo their education and plan for it in advance. You will need to think of who will pay for enrichment classes, travel, insurance and other expenses.  It is best that you get legal advice to understand what you need to consider when having these conversations.

So many times, families go through years of litigation in Court only to find themselves losing most of their money, years and not to mention the emotional turmoil that goes with bringing your family issues to Court. 

In Singapore, to prove that the marriage has irretrievably broken down, the applicant needs to prove that one party has committed adultery, engaged in unreasonable behaviour, deserted the marriage union or has been separated from the spouse for either three of four years, depending on whether it is by consent. People have spent thousands just to prove that these grounds are not valid. This will most definitely affect your emotional wellbeing and in turn your child.

Pick your battles in a divorce and do not waste precious time in Court fighting over how many Saturdays one parent should get with the child. Think of your child, be compassionate and have largesse of heart even if your spouse has done you wrong. The returns for all that fighting might give you temporary satisfaction but in the end, it will only be a Pyrrhic victory because you and your family will suffer. 

An uncontested divorce fast track divorce is possible where parties can meet together with lawyers to work out an agreement. You can also go for mediations to reach an amicable agreement. Have your child at the forefront of every dispute.  

READ MORE:
Former Malaysian King Has Reportedly Divorced His Russian Wife After One Year Of Marriage
10 Things You Didn’t Know About Getting Divorced In Singapore
What Happens To Your HDB Flat When You’re Getting Divorced?

In extreme cases where either you or your child are experiencing domestic violence, you might need to get a protection order against your spouse. There are three types of orders – Personal Protection Orders (PPOs), Expedited Orders and Domestic Exclusion orders. If you have minor children under the age of 21, you can apply for a protection order for both yourself and your Child.

A PPO order is granted after a Court trial and if the Court makes a finding that there has been family violence committed against you and your children. A Domestic Exclusion Order will exclude a violent member from a shared residence. 

What constitutes family violence? Family violence constitutes wilfully or knowingly placing, or, a family member in fear of hurt. Continual harassment or wrongful confinement of a family member against their will, also constitutes domestic violence. It will be, however, for the Judge of the Family Court to decide on what constitutes domestic violence. Either jail term or a monetary fine will be imposed on the offending party.