Most of us have our own ideas about what’s normal, but hanging on to preconceived notions of “how often” or “how much” you should want sex can be half the problem.

“Instead you have to acknowledge that your sex life changes as you age, and you have to work with your partner to adapt,” says Dr Mandy Deeks, psychologist at Jean Hailes for Women’s Health in Melbourne.

“If you don’t, it can ‘infect’ your relationship, where you or your partner shut down, misinterpret things and lose that sense of intimacy. Then you’re even less sure about how to fix it.”

A good sex life is big on compromise, as not everyone will be satisfied every single time.

“You might need to have sex a little more or less often than you’d like. It’s about agreeing to meet in the middle,” says Dr Morrissey, who believes it’s all about negotiation. “We’re not machines – libido fluctuates. Sometimes you can work it out together, and other times you can get a counsellor who can help you get back to being mutually happy.”

The good news is if you commit to it, you can improve your love life. “We might not always hear about them, but there are actually a lot of older couples who have great sex lives,” says Dr Deeks.

Many studies link happiness with regular sex. Recent research by the University of Chicago found couples aged between 57 and 85 who frequently engaged in sexual activity (including any sexual act, not just intercourse) had happier marriages.

“The better your sex life, the more content you’ll be as a couple,” says Dr Deeks. “It creates that intimacy and connection between you.”

Surprisingly, taking steps to reconnect isn’t always about the act.

“Libido is stoked through all those gestures of appreciation and sweet things we do and say to one another. Touching, listening and spending time together all count,” she says.

Libido can fluctuate for many reasons.

“It can just be who you are, but hormone changes, health conditions such as diabetes and menopause, or medication such as antidepressants, can all impact desire,” says Dr Deeks.

Lifestyle issues can mess with your libido too, warns Dr Morrissey. “Fatigue, and even how much you drink or smoke can all have an impact,” she says.

If you’ve tried to fix things and can’t, it’s worth visiting your GP.

“They can do blood tests, check your testosterone levels, and figure out if there’s a medication involved that’s impacting libido,” says Dr Deeks. “A GP can also refer you to a counsellor if you need it.”

“When you’ve been together for decades, a sudden sexual issue can be especially awkward and frightening for a couple to face,” says Dr Morrissey. But if you’re in a committed, caring partnership, there’s a lot you can do to address the elephant in the room and bring back that loving feeling. Here are six tips:

1. Don’t have the conversation in your bedroom. “You want the bedroom to be a sexy place, not where you have serious relationship discussions.”
2. Talk while you walk. “If you’re the type of couple who finds it difficult having face-to-face conversations, go for a walk. It’s be far less threatening.”
3. Don’t blame or shame. “It’s not just about dumping on your partner. It’s something that affects both of you, so you want it to be a positive, productive discussion.”
4. Invite your partner’s input. “Ask, ‘What do you think is stopping us from having the kind of sex life we’re both happy with? What’s changed for you, or us?'”
5. Use “I” statements. “Language is important. Say to your partner, ‘I miss the intimacy between us. Are there things I can do to help you feel sexy and desire me more?”
6. Find a counsellor who can help. “People tend to complain to their friends about it more than seeking help. That said, professionals are seeing more of it, and we know it’s just the tip of the iceberg.”

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Text: bauersyndication.com.au