5 Sexiest Things Dads Can Do To Keep The Spark Alive

Ask a woman what makes her attracted to a man, and you’ll get a plethora of answers.

Smooth moves on the dancefloor. A thriving career. A good sense of humour. 

While this non-exhaustive and non-mutually exclusive list certainly doesn't hurt, mothers often look for one more thing on their checklist: he must be an involved partner. The sexiest thing that a husband and father can do, in short, is to actively participate in family and household matters.

“According to studies on sexual desire, men and women respond to different things. Male sexuality is aroused by a focus on the object of desire, on the Other – such as finding their partners most attractive when they see them beautifully dressed," shares Qi Zhai-McCartney, a therapist with Alliance Counselling who specialises in couples' therapy and perinatal mental health. "Women, however, find their partners most attractive when they have had the time to focus on the Self.”

Simply put, when women are too bogged down by external factors and have not been able to nourish themselves mentally, emotionally and physically, they’ll hardly be in the mood for intimacy. This need to fill one’s emotional tank becomes more apparent when a woman becomes a mother and/or primary caregiver. 

“The physical and emotional energy of a primary caregiver is tied to looking after the kids as well as many under-valued tasks, such as ordering diapers and even managing household help," Qi elaborates.

"It's natural that we view someone who leaves us alone to toil and labour, who neglects our needs and those of the household, as cold, distant, betraying, and less attractive – while an involved partner who shares in our stresses and brings relief is more attractive.”

Qi Zhai-McCartney, therapist

Cassandra Chiu, psychotherapist and counsellor, shares this sentiment. “If a mother does not feel alone on her parenting journey and half the load is taken by her husband, it becomes a shared experience. This would free up her time, head and heart for putting the work into a romantic relationship with him – instead of feeling resentful towards the person who had left her alone to do everything.”

When we interviewed mothers on what they appreciated most about their husbands, many responded with similar answers. Almost all of them, in one way or another, cited their husband’s participation in caregiving duties – especially so that they are able to recharge.

So dads, here are the five sexiest things you can do for your wife.

1. Keep to rituals you did as a couple before children

Whilst duties of parenthood are important, intentionally carving out time and energy for our spouses is equally important. After all, they are the ones who refill our ‘love tank’ and give us support, says Cassandra. 

Rima B, mother to a two-year-old and now expecting her second child, shares that her husband still makes the effort to maintain some pre-children rituals.

“Being a dad does not change him at all — in a good way. I still get my foot massages every night regardless of how tired he is. He also maintains his responsibilities for household chores. If anything, he stepped up after we had our daughter and again during my second pregnancy,” says Rima. 

2. Pay attention to what she likes 

Dads, there are many ways to show you care, but the devil is in the details. Make a mental note of how she likes her tea or her favourite essential oil scents. It shows you are listening.

“Whenever he picks me up from a bad day at work, he will surprise me with my coffee or Old Chang Kee snack,” shares Mira K, mother to a four- and one-year-old. “He never used to remember my favourites, but puts in the effort now. I also love our deep conversations when the kids are asleep. Sometimes, we are so busy making things perfect for our kids we overlook our own emotions. These check-ins help us connect better on many levels.”

And while it is perfectly fine, and even healthy, to have individual pastimes, spouses should occasionally try and participate in the other’s hobbies or talk about their interests. 

Dayah, mother to a five-year-old, loves all things Korean. “Even though he doesn’t enjoy it as much, he still makes the effort to watch some K-dramas with me and we’ve visited Korea twice because he knew my son and I would enjoy it. But don’t worry, he definitely gets to pick the next holiday destination!”  she says. 

3. Prioritise her rest 

When Claire Y and her husband found out she was expecting a second child, they were over the moon. Knowing that it will not be easy growing a baby while juggling work and their three-year-old, Claire’s husband started to take on some of Claire’s list of chores so she could get adequate rest.

“He has taken over every responsibility at home, like doing all the potty training for our three-year-old and changing the diapers. He makes me a cup of bird’s nest every morning,  remembers to pack a bottle of water and snacks for me whenever I leave the house, and even cooks dinner. He also rubs in my stretch mark cream for me every night. I really struck gold with my husband,” shares Claire.

4. Take time to understand the identity shift she's undergoing – and make space for change 

Apart from physical, emotional and practical challenges, many women also experience an identity change or crisis after giving birth, shares Qi. 

“For instance, someone who previously defined themselves as a “career woman” may wonder if they will ever be smart or important again. If the couple is not able to converse and connect on this issue, they may have an intellectual disconnection,” she shares. 

Therefore, dads should be patient while their partners come to terms with her new identity and body. For this writer, spending time with friends (sans kids) and taking up pilates are just some ways she recharges.

“My husband understands how much of myself I give to the family, and that having time to do things I love – that is separate from my role as a mother – is important for my mental health. He holds the fort while I attend an hour of pilates every weekend, and occasionally when I go shopping with my friends. He also compliments me and reassures me that I am a good mother. All these remind me how lucky I am to have him by my side.”

5. Plan a day out for the family

The mental load on mothers is not to be ignored. At any given moment, a mother is simultaneously thinking about the day’s chores, ways to improve how the household is currently run, the family’s nutrition, the kid’s development, work, and more. 

Hence, taking some things off a mum’s list of to-dos is an act of love.

“It’s the simple things, like planning our outings instead of waiting for a suggestion. It shows he cares about how we spend time together as a family, and that he is an active partner in both marriage and parenthood. Of course, taking care of our daughter so I have some time for a massage is also a win,” shares Dom T, mother to a one-year-old.