Are You An Eggshell Parent Or Did You Grow Up With One?
Temperamental parents or caregivers can lead to their children developing hypervigilance, anxiety, lack of trust, and emotional instability
Parenting is anything but easy: you’re supposed to be firm, but not authoritarian; involved, but not a helicopter; gentle, but not too soft.
Navigating parenthood is a challenge, no doubt, and occasionally, if you’re having a tough day or not in the best mood, it could be easy to let your affected mood slip in front of your children. Once or twice can be chalked up to being human, but if it’s on multiple occasions, you – or your parents – could be an eggshell parent.
Being an ‘eggshell parent’ means being emotionally unpredictable and prone to mood swings – causing someone to walk on eggshells. It refers to parents who may have extreme highs and lows in their moods, engage in verbal abuse or punishment, manipulate or lie, and may make their children feel guilty or responsible for taking care of them. One minute everything is fine, and the next, it’s not.
On TikTok, the term ‘eggshell parents’ has more than 300 million views.
Psychologist Dr Kim Sage, who was amongst the first few to coin the term on TikTok, shares examples that an eggshell parent/primary caregiver is typically one “who is chronically angry, yelled a lot, had no boundaries and is unpredictable emotionally, and yet is loving and expects their child to their best friend and/or therapist.”
An eggshell parent can lead to negative impacts on the child’s well-being, such as anxiety, lack of trust, and being easily upset or triggered. Children with eggshell parents may develop a heightened sensitivity to criticism or negative feedback. They may be easily triggered by even minor incidents and react with intense emotional responses.
In some cases, an eggshell parent may reverse the parent-child roles, forcing the child to take on the responsibilities of caring for the parent. This can lead to an inappropriate burden of emotional support and can hinder the child’s own development and well-being.
In another video by psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, she explains that eggshell parents can make their children feel unsafe in their home, unsupported, and unwilling to share about their experiences or problems as they’d know that their parents will have an over-reaction. As children learn how to self-regulate through parental figures, a child would be unable to learn how to regulate their emotions after observing how their parents are unable to regulate their own emotions.
Of course, it’s important to note that the impact of an eggshell parent can vary depending on the severity and frequency of the parent’s emotional instability and abusive behaviours.
Dr Sage, whose clients include those who have experienced trauma resulting from being raised by narcissistic or borderline personality parents, as well as what she refers to as “eggshell parents”, notes that in order to identify these eggshell parents, you should keep an eye out on these behaviours exhibited either by yourself or your parent:
1. Rollercoaster moods that include very high-highs followed by very low-lows.
2. Verbal abuse or punishment that includes yelling and makes you feel guilty or bad about yourself.
3. Accusatory behaviour, lying and intentional gaslighting
4. Parentification where roles are reversed and you feel you must take care of your parent.
5. Isolating you from other supportive people and general inconsistency in all behaviour.
Text: Cheryl Lai-Lim/Her World