"We Moved Our Baby Plans Forward Due To My Mother-In-Law's Cancer"

It was supposed to be just a routine medical check-up for my late mother-in-law back in 2021. She appeared to be in good health, without any pain or discomfort. But what the doctor found shook up all of our lives.

They had found bleeding in one of her ovaries, and after further tests, our worst fear came true. It was Stage 4 ovarian cancer, which meant tumours had already spread to other parts of her body.

The doctor called me first. I had been the one accompanying Mama Leong, what we affectionately called my mother-in-law, to all of her medical appointments. Marcus, my husband (then-boyfriend) was in the hospital due to a herniated disc. His older sister May was working overseas. As the checks were gynaecological, Mama Leong also felt more comfortable having a trusted female companion around.

While it was devastating, we had been prepared for the news. Upon our insistence, the doctor estimated that we might have about a year more with her.

But Mama Leong was never known to be one who would give up on life – after all, she was only in her early 60s then. As a family, we immediately focused on the next step: treatment. May immediately booked a flight home and stepped in as the main caregiver.

I suggested moving our wedding forward

No one even hinted at it, but it felt like the most natural thing for me to accelerate our wedding and baby plans. My husband and I had been dating since 2014, and were intending to get married in 2022 anyway. The plan was to get a flat nearby so that his mum could care for our future kid. As such, moving the wedding forward by a few months (to October 2021) wasn't a big deal.

But things weren't that superficial. See, Mama Leong had two older sisters who were already grandmothers at that point. We knew she also wanted a tiny brood that she could indulge. But she never pressured us to tie the knot or to bestow grandchildren upon her. In fact, when others asked about it, she would be the one fending them off, saying: "They will decide when the time is right."

While Marcus and I were still dating, we stayed over at each other's places quite often. It was the only way we would see each other because we were busy with our jobs as professional dancers. (These days, I have stepped down on work to care for my young daughter.)

That was how I got to know my mother-in-law better. She took care of me like I was her daughter, and was a good listener when I was stressed out from work. Mama Leong had no expectations of me as a person. She simply accepted me for who I am because her son loves me. Knowing this and the limited time she had, why wouldn't I want to make sure she was around to enjoy the wedding and our newborn child?

Fighting cancer as a family

While Mama Leong was undergoing chemotherapy, we proactively helped her keep active. Before my wedding, I took up yoga teacher training so as to guide my mother-in-law through some movements at home. Every day, May would take her to the park for a walk. Marcus and I, along with my father-in-law would join them as much as possible. Have you ever noticed senior folks slapping their bodies during their morning workout? That was five of us back then on our strolls, doing a variation of qigong – we were quite a sight.

Mama Leong was always a ball of positive energy. She loved to dance. Whenever she attended events like Chingay or the National Day Parade, she would stand up and cheer without prompting. At the end, she would also high-five all the ushers and volunteers on the way out to let them know their efforts were not unnoticed.

Even while she was sick and in pain, Mama Leong didn't release any negativity to those around her. She might get quieter than usual and would share about her discomfort matter-of-factly if we asked. But you would never catch her complaining. When the first round of chemotherapy didn't work, Mama Leong opted to continue her treatment and to stay optimistic despite the grim odds.

I remember very distinctly that on her most physically trying days, she would still try to stand up on her own in the bedroom and continue to do her exercises. And no matter the sort of meal we prepared, she would try her best to eat even when she didn't have an appetite.

If the patient herself was fighting this hard, the rest of us couldn't possibly crumble and give up. In fact, we adopted the slogan, "no fear, must fight, must win", inspired by the founder of Soka Gakkai, a popular Buddhist movement.

The arrival of baby Jane

We were extremely blessed to have conceived our baby girl on our wedding night, and broke the news to Mama Leong in person. She was definitely happy, though initially confused because we joked that the pregnancy stick was a Covid test kit.

As my pregnancy progressed, Mama Leong's condition unfortunately deteriorated. However, reality only started to hit me in her last three days. She couldn't talk or eat, and was in so much pain that she would scream. Knowing her tolerance level, the discomfort must have been unbearable.

We were all there at the hospital when she drew her last breath. It was June 17, 2022, about a month before our baby was born. We named her Jane, because all her grandparents' names coincidently started with J. Mama Leong was Janet, my father-in-law is Johnson, and my parents are Joanne and Johnny.

While we grieved, the baby's arrival brought light into the home. I was still living with my in-laws at the time. We didn't have a confinement nanny, so the family, including my sister-in-law, husband and Mama Leong's sisters, all chipped in to help with the baby. I am currently the main caregiver for Jane who turns three this year.

Mama Leong lives on in our hearts

During times of stress or when my toddler gives me a hard time, I would think of my mother-in-law. She has instilled in me the belief that as parents, we just need to love and to be there for our children. Everything else would sort itself out. I take comfort in her wisdom.

Serendipitously, Marcus and I have been able to honour Mama Leong via the "The Human Spirit Series" for the Artvocacy Initiative started by the Singapore Cancer Society. Marcus and I were involved in the creative process and performance in all three videos, which showcase different facets of the lived cancer experience. You can even find Mama Leong in the first video (done in 2022) and our daughter in the second and third videos.

This year, a group of friends and family including May, Marcus and I will also be participating in the Singapore Cancer Society – TalkMed Relay For Life (RFL) event, during which we will run a total of 100km to celebrate all cancer warriors. I know if Mama Leong could see us, she would be cheering us on during our run.

Relay for Life happens from March 8 to 9, 2005 at the Singapore Sports Hub. There is also a MyFightBack virtual challenge happening in tandem. Visit the website to find out how to register for the event or donate.