How To Deal With Your Child's Anger Without Losing It

Five-year-old Xavier marches up to his teacher and fumes: “I am angry with Tyler (not their real names) because he called me stupid.”

To which Tyler says in defence: “I did not call him ‘stupid’. I said, ‘Stop it.’”

Dealing with angry children has always been a challenging experience for educators and parents. Often, these outbursts can stem from misunderstandings, observes Ms Josephyne Ho, a mentor principal at EtonHouse Pre-school.

Other common situations that provoke anger include being pushed while in line, a peer taking a toy or a classmate’s unwillingness to share.

Everyone expresses anger differently because of his or her inborn traits and temperament, says Adjunct Associate Professor Daniel Fung, Institute of Mental Health’s chief executive and a child psychiatrist.

While some can fly off the handle at the smallest provocation, there are also those who express their anger in less obvious ways, such as withdrawing socially or sulking.

Research has shown that children may be broadly classified as having one of three temperaments: easy, slow to warm up and difficult, says Prof Fung. About 10 per cent of kids are born “difficult”.

Children with difficult temperaments can be impulsive, get easily stressed out by new experiences and changes in routines, have strong reactions, find it hard to calm down, might have irregular sleep or eating patterns, and have intense mood swings.

There are also some kids who find it challenging to control their anger because of developmental disorders, such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and autism.

Regardless of the child’s personality, every instance of anger presents a unique problem and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Why is my child always angry?

You must first understand what is making your child feel that way, says Prof Fung.

Anger is often a secondary emotion resulting from two broad primary emotions: fear and frustration.

When one is fearful and anxious, it can trigger defensive anger, which is fuelled by cortisol, often called the stress hormone.

For instance, a child’s meltdown may stem from worry, often related to the unknown, such as new environments and sudden separations.

The opposite is offensive anger, which is characterised by kids losing control of their feelings when they are frustrated. Children’s anger can stem from basic needs, such as hunger or lack of sleep.

“To better manage an angry child, ask yourself: Is your child throwing a tantrum because of fear or frustration? If it is fear of a new environment, reassure her that she will have fun there and you will return to pick her up,” he says.

“Or is she frustrated because she’s hungry or tired? Then feed her or let her rest, and prevent future angry episodes by following her meal and sleep routines.”

Keeping to a consistent schedule can sometimes be a struggle for busy parents, but it is crucial for a child’s well-being.

How do I help my child cope with anger?

Kids sometimes let out their anger by hitting objects or people. However, such aggressive actions cannot be allowed, says Prof Fung.

Stop your child in the act and ask what had upset her before her anger escalates. Remind her that it is unacceptable to use violence, he adds.

Ms Ho and her teachers frequently remind their young charges: “Pre-school is a safe place for everyone. Just as I won’t allow you to hit or bite your friend, I will also not allow anyone to hurt you.”

When managing your angry child, Ms Ho suggests getting down to her eye level and holding her if necessary. No matter how frazzled you are, speak to her calmly: “You look really angry right now. You may sit on the chair, take deep breaths and count to 10, or drink some water to calm down. You decide.”

Help your child understand that some behaviours can be hurtful. Tell her: “When you scream at your friend, it’s scary and hurts his feelings. How would you feel if your friend yells at you?”

But when your child gets really worked up, give her time to wear herself out, says Prof Fung. Stay by her side and let her calm down before trying to have a rational conversation.

It is important for children to feel they are heard. Bottled-up anger does not just go away.

“It actually gets bigger and more intense,” he says. “That can eventually blow up, leading to more problems.”

But my child won’t tell me how she is feeling

In Asian cultures, people do not always find it easy to talk about their feelings, says Prof Fung. “Instead of saying they’re ‘scared’, they may tell you they’re ‘not feeling well’. When they’re frustrated, they show their anger because that is easier than articulating their feelings.”

It is important to teach your kids to express their emotions from a young age. You can get it going by sharing your day with them. Talk about your angry moments and how you managed them. It also helps them understand that these feelings are a normal part of life.

For example, you can share: “I was frustrated last night because I had a long day at work and I was tired. I had a good sleep and I am okay now.”

Another way to expand their vocabulary for describing emotions is through observations of everyday lives. When you are at the supermarket, ask: “How do you think that little boy is feeling?”

“Your kids will have their opinions and it doesn’t matter if they are right or wrong,” Prof Fung says. “Once they get used to talking about other people’s feelings, it becomes easier for them to tell you about their own.”

This approach also encourages your children to put themselves in others’ shoes and develop empathy.

As you read with your kids, discuss how the characters are feeling as well.

Cultivating a habit of sharing feelings makes it natural for your children to continue communicating openly about themselves during their teenage years, he adds.

Are you losing your temper too?

The worst way to respond to children’s outbursts is with your own anger, shouting back at them.

Stay calm and breathe deeply. If needed, step away and respond to the situation after you have regained your composure.

This also sets a positive example for them in managing their emotions. After all, children often imitate their parents’ behaviour.

Prof Fung recalls having mums and dads who brought their children to his clinic for anger issues. Ironically, some of the parents lost their temper when they experienced long waiting times.

“In these cases, we help the parents reflect on their own behaviour and realise how their actions influence their children.”

Learning to control anger with stories

Have you heard the story about a kid who learnt to manage his anger with a bag of nails?

There once was a young boy with a terrible temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and instructed him to hammer a nail into their fence each time he became angry.

Frequently losing his temper, the boy hammered many nails. Over time, he began to manage his anger.

His father then told him to remove one nail for every day he successfully controlled his temper. Eventually, the boy proudly announced to his father that all the nails were gone.

His father led him to the fence. “You have done well, my son. But look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same.”

He continued: “When you say things in anger, they leave scars just like these. And no matter how many times you say you’re sorry, the wounds will still be there.”

Fourteen-year-old Edward Lysander Clark is recounting a memorable anger-themed story his mother shared with him when he was younger. The original author of this tale, which is widely circulated on the internet, remains unknown.

“The story makes you think, you should not throw a fit in the first place because ‘sorry’ doesn’t repair everything,” says Edward, as he casts a loving look at his mother Alice Bianchi-Clark.

The 47-year-old Italian is an educator and author of three children’s books published in Singapore. Her latest book, teamed with local illustrator Chloe Chang, is A Garden Of Treasures.

“While stories should be read for joy, some books have healing powers,” says Bianchi-Clark. She divides her time between Singapore, where her husband works, and London, where Edward is in a theatre school.

She says Edward used to get angry easily, so she would read with him picture books exploring characters dealing with similar feelings.

Angry Arthur, by UK author Hiawyn Oram and Japanese illustrator Satoshi Kitamura, was one of their favourite titles. In the story published in 1982, Arthur’s mother did not allow him to stay up to watch television, so the boy was enraged. His anger creates a thunderstorm and blows up the universe. But there is a surprising and heart-warming ending.

“Such books help children realise that people can feel angry and that’s okay,” she adds.

Edward says: “Books offer children a safe environment to explore emotions they might struggle with in real-life situations.”

This article was first published on The Straits Times.