8 Common Concerns And Fears Of First-Time Fathers
Here’s what he’s really worrying about when you’re pregnant
Pregnancy is a time of roller coaster emotions. There’s nothing to beat the joy you feel when you see the two lines on the pregnancy test or see that first ultrasound photo of your baby’s heart beating inside you, especially if you struggled to get pregnant. But there’s also the worries about labour, you're up and down feelings about your changing body, possible work worries, and thoughts about how you’ll be as a parent.
Expectant fathers also have fears and concerns. A meta study that analysed several studies from different countries around the world found that t the most significant fears experienced by men during pregnancy were the fear of abnormality in the baby (71%), not being able to be at the birth (47.8%), their wife experiencing pain (43.5%), and their wife or the baby dying (41.3%).
Along with these fears come a host of less dramatic fears and concerns that still have the potential to destabilise your relationship, so they are worth addressing.
In the lead up to the baby's arrival there’s so much to do that it is common for your social life to fade away. You may not feel much like going out, and he may want to stay home to support you, or because there’s preparation to do. But he may still be missing heading off to the gym or having a few drinks with friends after work. Try to make it clear that while having a baby will change how you live, he will still be able to get some ‘time off’ to socialise.
Try starting a system where you are both allowed a rostered afternoon or day off each month, or each week. What you do is up to you – go for a manicure, a bike ride or watch a movie – it’s your time to do whatever you want.
This will help you both ease into your new role. Once you are feeling more confident and comfortable with your new baby you can encourage him to take the occasional night off to see his friends. And be sure to trade off some ‘me’ time for you as well/ The deal will not work if only one of you is taking time for themselves.
Men sometimes find women a mystery - add hormones swings and prepgnancy into the mix and the results can be unsettling. He is also struggling with your pregnancy because he has probably Googled too much and learnt that scary medical things can sometimes happen.
Now he is worried that the person he loves the most is possibly in danger. Some of the darker thoughts that go through his head include; “What if we lose the baby?” and “What if something really bad happens and I have to raise the baby alone?” and “What if the baby’s not healthy?”.
They’re all natural and common fears. Reassure him that most pregnancies and deliveries in Singapore are problem free. If he wants to learn more, all the delivery hospitals in Singapore offer prenatal classes. KK Women’s and Children’s Hospital Antenatal Course covers pregnancy, labour and childbirth, and nurturing your child.
The eight sessions in the course are run by a variety of experts including lactation nurses, parentcraft nurses, physiotherapists and dieticians. Price is $230 for KKH patients, $290 for non-KKH patients.
Men in Asia often worry about being a good husband and a good provider anyway - and now he’s also realising he’s going to be responsible for the upbringing of a vulnerable little human.
If his relationship with his father was not good, he can be especially nervous about how he will do as a dad. It can help to sign up for free parenting classes. In SIngapore, there’s the free Positive Parenting Program (Triple P) and Signposts, both under the umbrella of the MInistry of Social and Family Development.
For new parents the most useful are three seminars (two hours each for parents and grandparents of primary and secondary school children. The courses are regional. Look here to book a free class near you.
Triple P Online is a free interactive online course that lets parents learn at their own time and pace, and pick up practical parenting tips.You can sign up here
The course includes videos, exercises, tips and activities, suitable for parents. For new parents the most useful is the eight module course Toddlers to Tweens (0-12 years old). Each module takes around 30 minutes to do, and you can save your progress at any point in the module and can complete it at your own pace.
It’s true that raising a child in Singapore is expensive. But it’s also true that there is nothing like a baby to motivate you to improve the finances of your family. During your pregnancy, work together to clear debt, sort out your finances and set a family budget. You can also stretch your budget by borrowing big ticket items from family and friends.
It’s also worth joining sharing forums like SHKSS facebook group, and Preloved Baby Goods SG which lets parents pass on pregnancy, baby and toddler items as their child grows up
Yes. You bet it will. The pitter patter of tiny feet will change everything in your life – including your relationship. But the change can be for the better. Often, having a child together can strengthen the bond between you. You’re hear it before, but it bears saying agaon that open communication is the key to keeping your relationship healthy.
So in the lead up to the birth, try to make time to go on the occasional date together to reassure yourselves that you still have plenty to talk about. Once the baby arrives and you are settled into your roles as parents, try to carve out some time to spend together as a couple – even if it’s just coffee in a kid-free coffeeshop.
The bond between a mother and baby is powerful - and and is natural for a new-father to feel just a little left out, especially in the first few weeks when your world pretty much has to revolve around this tiny new infant.
During pregnancy he may already begin to feel left out, so try to involve him in the process where you can - ask him to accompany you to medical appointments and checkups and sign him up to apps that send him weekly updates on the progress of the foetus. Once the baby arrives, give him plenty of opportunity to cuddle the baby, and take care of it.
Many men worry they will faint in the delivery room, or vomit. It’s a lot to deal with - he can see you are anxious and in pain – but he cannot help you.
Well before your delivery date, grab a moment to speak to him about what to expect.Talk together about what he is happy to see, and how much he thinks he will be able to deal with. Will he be able to hold your hand and reassure you – or will you be forced to reassure him?
No-one says every man has to be at the birth of their child. And this talk gives you the opportunity to decide if you would like him in the delivery room, or you’d prefer another relative or friend as your birth partner.
It’s your child and your family - and if you decide you'd rather he waits outside, that’s your decision.
It’s a running joke that a baby kills your sex life, but it’s not true. Sex may not be as frequent or spontaneous as you’d like, when the baby is little. But after you have recovered physically from giving birth, you can have sex as often as you want.
Text: Bauer Syndication/ARE Media