Dad Diaries: I Don’t Regret Putting My Family's Needs Before Job Promotions

My wife Deborah and I have been married for 11 years now. Before marriage, we both agreed that when it came to family, we wanted to be very present for our kids. Deborah grew up in an environment where she had to fend for herself quite frequently. While I grew up having my mother around all the time, I did not have the same experience with my father, who worked as a commercial pilot and was constantly away for work.

In a month, my father could travel for more than two weeks, and then be home for two or three days before heading off again. I remember crying because my dad was leaving for work again and I just wanted him to be home with me. He missed out on a few key milestones but I know he would have wanted to be around if he could. Because of this, I wanted to be around for my children as much as possible. 

When we found out we were expecting, Deborah and I decided together that she would stay home while I worked. At that time, I had just started my career in the civil service but I still tried to be as involved as possible when our son was born. I was working shifts so I would have roughly a day or two between shifts to be actively engaged. I would do diaper changes, soothe our son, clean up, and anything else needed. I would generally arrive and leave work on time and only put in extra time when absolutely necessary. This definitely led to comments from some colleagues about how I wasn’t putting in more effort, but I usually countered it by saying they weren’t the ones trying to raise a family at the time. Thankfully and most importantly, I had a boss who understood my situation and didn’t hold it against me.

When our second child arrived, we decided that I would be the main caregiver for our older son who was then two and no longer breastfeeding. This meant I would take over all aspects of his care from drop-offs and pick-ups at school, to bringing him out to playgrounds, to meals and baths and laundry. I also slept in his room on nights when he needed a little more attention. I was happy to be involved in this way, but I found it challenging when society didn’t seem to keep up, for example when I had to change his diaper in public only to find that the changing facilities were in the women's bathroom, or comments about how I was “babysitting”.

Deborah decided she wanted to start working again when our second was two years old. So I took on more responsibilities with the kids and we alternated days where she would work and I would manage them. Mainly we just had to figure out daily tasks like laundry, feeding, and pick-ups and drop-offs. For meals, we would cook big portions and freeze them for use later. On weekends we would do family stuff together, like going to the beach, playgrounds, or any other place where the kids could just run around and be silly. 

Three years ago, we had a miscarriage. Due to complications, our son was born prematurely at five months but did not survive. Honestly, the loss still hits me hard now and then. During this time, I basically took over all parenting matters to give my wife time to heal from the physical and emotional loss. Our kids handled it well. They made drawings and cards for him and placed them at his grave the first time we went together. Even now, they still bring him up in conversations. It was also during this time that I would completely drop anything at work whenever my family needed me, though not everyone at work could understand.

Everyone has their priorities. At the end of the day, I still got to do what I aimed for at work, just not at the pace I would have hoped for originally. There are times when I’ve wished I could have done more to achieve things professionally or to get recognition, but that’s not always possible with family commitments. It stings sometimes to see others who started at the same time as you, and even juniors, progressing at a faster rate than you. It’s a feeling of being "left behind" in a sense.

With that said, the love and satisfaction I get from my family more than make up for it. There have also been times when work commitments have clashed with my family’s needs, and when I’ve had no choice but to bring my children to work due to sudden changes in arrangements. Thankfully, I have had supportive bosses who understood my challenges and have helped to accommodate my family's needs. 

Now that the kids are older and we have greater spending power, we have hired a helper instead of sending the kids to after-school care, which means the kids can spend more time with each other. We still always try to have at least one parent home at any time with the kids. Because of this, I feel like I am more aware of the things that my children face and experience as they grow, and they feel comfortable being around me and sharing the small things they face in their everyday lives. 

I don’t particularly feel I am around more than the average dad. I find a good number of my peers are very involved with their children now. If anything, most of us wish we could spend more time with our kids. I suppose that since I have always been very involved with the kids, it’s not a huge step up to take care of them myself when Deb travels. The hardest thing to manage would be making sure the kids and I are dressed similarly so people don’t assume I “kidnapped” my kids, especially for the younger one who looks nothing like me! 

Being a parent has also taught me to be more mindful of myself. At the end of the day, children will mirror whatever you do. If you want to raise responsible and well-mannered people, then you will have to be one yourself. And through this, the children have helped to shape me to become a better version of myself.

Farhan is a civil servant who is passionate about child rearing and safety. He strongly advocates for child car seat safety and is a certified CPS (child passenger seat) Technician.

As told to Karen Fong