Dad Diaries: Why Respectful Parenting Is So Important As A Father And Swim Coach

In a way, my parenting journey first began with my job. My mum was a nanny. She used to run an “unofficial daycare” in our HDB, so I grew up helping my mum taking care of other children. I knew from a very young age that I liked working with kids, and I’ve always enjoyed water, so right after the army I decided to be a swimming coach.

In 2013 I started with the Marsden swim school, which is where I learned about infant and toddler swimming. That was a whole new world - because babies and toddlers are going to cry and vomit and do whatever whenever they feel like it. So it’s always for the parent to try and understand them. After five years there, I decided it was time to move on to try and get more theoretical experience.

After that, I joined The Little Swim School and met my mentor Garrett. He explained a lot more of the theory - for example, why we emphasise constant routines. We do this because that’s all a young child knows in their lives, and this is how they can become confident and comfortable in the water. After a while, you can slowly expand the routine once they are more confident.

In 2018 I attended the very first international swim school conference where swim counsellor Ulrika Faerch was presenting her book Happy Babies Swim: Creating Stronger Relationships Between Parents and Children Through the Gift of Swim. She used the term "water parenting", and this had a huge, profound impact on me. To me, it meant considering “what if swim teachers are like parents in the water for 30 minutes?” What happens if you can infuse parenting styles and concepts into swim teaching? And what if that’s the gap that makes the difference in a child's learning?

When I got back from that conference I bought a lot of parenting books, listened to podcasts and read articles that made me shift the way I looked at kids. I no longer looked at them as “swimmers”, but instead as “people” as a whole being. If swimming is part of the child’s routine, what's troubling him or causing problems in the swim lesson could be something in his life and nothing to do with swimming. That can have a profound impact on a learner’s ability to learn.

I find respectful swim teaching works very well in Singapore because here, we are very results-driven. I find sometimes this results in a breakdown in communication between parents and kids, because parents might push too hard when their children aren’t ready. Doing this can lead to a fear of water. Kids don’t remember what you did (to make them afraid) but they will remember the feeling. As a coach, you have to remember what a profound impact you can have on kids.

A lot happened in 2021 for me right after Covid. The swim school I was with closed down and I met this parent, Kelly Tay who was just starting her own parent coaching business, Juicy Parenting. She told me my style reminded her of respectful parenting. I realise that I have addressed a section of the market that a lot of people are unable to address.

My son was also born in 2021 and he became my big push to start working for myself. This way, I can choose the days I want to work. Saturday and Sundays would be non-negotiable in a school – those are their biggest money-making days naturally. But now I teach maybe on Saturdays and sometimes early on a Sunday. But I choose to load my weekdays and set aside time to be with my wife and my son.

My wife and I agreed we would be hands-on parents to the best of our abilities. We make decisions as a team - I mean, we gave birth to the child together and I was there to help "push" the baby out, so we always want to make decisions together. At this junction, we decided we needed help so my mother-in-law is filling that gap and it’s been working very well. Luckily she’s quite open-minded about how we parent and she’s willing to learn and listen. Again we want to be respectful as well so we need to manage our expectations when it comes to the older generation. My work is good though because it allows me to stop immediately if my son needs me and I have very understanding clients who are OK with me having to stop.

I practise respectful parenting both in and out of the pool. My wife embraces some aspects of it as well and is iffy about other things. However, I feel that respectful parenting is not a fixed thing and can be very fluid. There are just some concepts you don’t break. You set boundaries and you are respectful when dealing with the child. I read somewhere that “being respectful is setting a distance between two people, then you can see them clearly” and this helps me understand my child and my clients. I do this with my son – and 7 out of 10 times I usually win.

I’m not perfect but on my bad days, I try to rely on concepts and ask myself if I really need to do things this way right now, or if we can try something else. I feel there’s a lot of internal work for me to do as a teacher and a father. I was brought up in a traditional household with spanking and threatening. And I always believed when I started out teaching that I would go that way - my way or the highway - but a part of me also felt that it was SO TIRING being that way all the time. I told myself that this was not what I was going to do for the next 30 years of my life. Teaching my way can be quite emotional; I bring a lot to my lessons and really engage with kids to be able to understand them. Mentally it can be quite draining.

At the moment, I am in the early stages of growing my business, Respectful Swim Teaching. Balancing work and family life has been tough. On one front, I have to constantly remind myself that business is part of my life but it’s not ALL of my life. My wife keeps me very grounded. She reminds me often that I can earn all this money, but what is it for at the end of the day? I think it’s about keeping priorities and having an understanding with my spouse. 

My wife works in a foreign bank as a compliance officer so sometimes the timing of our work can be quite clashing. We always check in on each other's work schedules and even use an online calendar to remind each other. Ultimately, it's about respecting each other's work and commitment to their work. 

Sometimes I feel terrible that I miss my son before he goes to sleep on weekdays and have limited time with him on weekends. But it has pushed me to be a fully present parent with him, when I'm spending time with him, as much as I can. Both me and my wife are committed to being fully present both physically and mentally with him, whenever we are with him. We put our phones down and really have him at the centre of our attention. 

I believe that the first five years of any child's life is the most critical growing phase in their life and I want to be there for my son throughout this time to the best of my abilities.  

Jin Lim is a father of one and has been a swim coach for over 10 years. He runs the Respectful Swim Teaching school which focuses on applying respectful parenting techniques to teaching swimming.