The Dad Diaries: As A SAHD, Watching My Daughter Grow Up Is Worth More Than Any Salary

When we moved away from Singapore more than ten years ago, my daughter was just a baby. I had gotten a job as an associate professor in Japan and my wife agreed to leave her teaching job to take care of our daughter while we were overseas. It was an adventurous time for us, relocating overseas with a newborn and it made sense one of us would stay home. 

We were in Japan for over six years and then Vietnam for three. My wife homeschooled Aubrey until we sent her to kindergarten, which is when we realised education could be a problem as she wasn’t in an environment to learn English. When we moved to Vietnam, she attended an international school and that was a good place for her, as she wasn’t the odd one out and was having a great time.

But I was finding the expectations of the job meant I was spending less and less time with her. Even at home I would just be resting and getting ready to go back to work. So after a while, I felt fatigued. I had no concept of time and no idea how my daughter was growing up. So even though I love my work, my research and projects, I wanted to take a break so I didn’t end up hating what I love.

We decided in December 2019 to head back to Singapore when my contract ended in June the next year. My wife would then go back to work. After ten years out of the workforce, she had mixed feelings of excitement and apprehension.

Coming back to Singapore was also a good opportunity for my daughter to know her home country. She didn’t have a concept of what it meant to be Singaporean before this. We loved living overseas but we also agreed that if she didn’t return for PSLE, it would be tough for her to have an education in Singapore. My daughter was approaching her tweens at the time and I knew she was about to undergo a lot of changes. I thought, if I don’t spend time with her now, there will always be a gap between us. So it was decided that my wife would be the breadwinner and I would be the primary caregiver.

In the beginning, everything was tough. First we had to re-adapt to life in Singapore – which was difficult even for me. Aubrey was in Primary 3 and everything was new to her: the homework, having 40 kids in a class, teachers who discipline and manage kids in the class. It took her quite a while to adjust. Being her primary caregiver has also meant a lot of recalibrating on my part (and hers), but luckily, there is always mommy there to put things into perspective for a teenage girl; father does not know best! 

As a SAHD, I felt like my main responsibility at this time was to teach her to be more independent. I wanted her to learn how to manage her schedule and routine. In time I hope to go back to work and I don’t expect my wife to give up her career. We don’t have a helper or any other support in Singapore, so in that sense we do need our daughter to take care of herself.

I still find time to continue my work. Last year I attended a conference in Vietnam and even though my wife took leave a few days, Aubrey had to travel to her tuition class on her own – and she did fine. It’s knowing she can do this independently that makes me feel like I have partially done my job. 

My own perception is that people around think I’m unemployed and that’s why I’m a SAHD. People don’t really understand what an academic does, and they don’t often see a man do this a lot so they have a lot of questions. 

When I pick up my daughter or take her to classes, there are always other dads there. I think they do their part, the difference is that I’m doing this pretty much full-time. So I am the primary caregiver with the main responsibilities to take care of things at home. I plan her birthday, I manage play dates, I do all the cleaning at home – which I am very good at (except laundry). My wife still does the cooking at home, but I like to do some meals and experiment with different dishes. Aubrey and I do fun things together like go to the movies or go to the arcade. When she was younger, we would play board games together. Now we go to concerts together, as she loves music, and we go to the library to read.

In the future, when I look back, I think I will treasure this time a lot. To watch Aubrey grow up in such an involved way is very reassuring to me that I tried my best. We will have no regrets. We do have our quarrels but we talk and communicate after and this period of time is something I really cherish. It has been very challenging in every aspect, but I really appreciate every single day as a SAHD and I do know it is actually a privilege to be one. I don’t think any amount of salary can compensate for that.

Stan Tangbau is a Vietnamologist and Southeast Asianist who has taught in universities in Singapore, Japan and Vietnam. As a SAHD, he has been navigating the transition from being the father of a child to a “tween” (and soon to be teen). While his priority is his daughter, taking care of things at home (and the upcoming PSLEs!) he continues to do academic work, writing books and taking up new projects. He is currently writing a book on the cultural history of the accordion in Vietnam.

As told to Karen Fong.