5 Expert-Approved Tips On Raising Healthy, Emotionally Resilient Kids

As parents, we tend to constantly ask ourselves: “Am I doing the right thing?” 

This is a question we ask all the time — when we are deciding between baby-led weaning and spoon-feeding, whether to send our babies to infant care, how much screen time is appropriate, how to talk about consent in relationships — the mental load is endless.

What most parents hope for though (from both personal experience and having spoken to many others) is that these smaller decisions eventually come together to shape our children into healthy, kind, resilient people who can adapt to the tough world we live in.

Big ask? We think so – but we can try. 

There is no one-size-fits-all formula to parenting, but we can rely on some experts to steer us in the right direction. We ask four local psychologists and counsellors to share simple ways parents can improve during their daily interactions with their children.

1. Empathise with your children’s feelings, but set firm boundaries

Being emotionally attuned to your children’s feelings can not only help them manage them, but can help parents deepen their understanding of their children, too. To achieve this, parents need to be able to cope with their own emotions as well as help their children label their feelings, (such as “sad”, “anxious”, and “angry”). They should also take a moment to pause and listen actively to their children when they speak about their feelings. 

However, take note that empathising is not the same as condoning problem behaviours. Hence, setting firm parenting boundaries at home is important.

These boundaries help children to respect boundaries in other areas of their life, like in school and with their peers.

– Beron Tan, Senior Psychologist at Private Space Medical

2. Be mindful of how you deliver both positive and negative feedback

Repeatedly pointing out your child’s positive traits will remind them of their strengths. However, there are better ways to do so than with general statements such as "You're so kind". It would be helpful to be more detailed, such as “I like how you helped your friend today with her homework”. Doing this will help your child feel seen and have a higher sense of one’s presence, resulting in higher self-esteem. 

Constructive feedback should also be delivered carefully, as too much of it – even with the most loving of intentions – can damage self-esteem. If you tell your teenager her hair is messy, her clothes don’t match, and that she had forgotten to bring her house keys all in one breath, it could be too much negative information for a day. The way this feedback is delivered can increase fear and reduce self-esteem. However, if we can soothe away fears with phrases such as, “It’s okay, we all forget our house keys once in a while’ or “It’s okay, let’s hang around outside while waiting for the house keys”, it can increase adaptability to different circumstances.  

– Jean XM Chen, Director and Counsellor at Relationship Matters

3. Allow your child to take the lead in play and conversation 

Instead of directing or telling your children about the next steps to take, parents may practice holding a curious stance over what the child would choose to do next, and show your acceptance of the choices made.

For example, parents should listen to the different opinions children bring into a conversation and connect over these.

Parents may also let the child lead in play, as this not only builds the child’s capacity to be independent in their decision-making skills, but also helps them to be assured that their thoughts, feelings, and opinions matter to their parents. 

– Clare Kwan, Principal Psychologist at Private Space Medical

4. Be bigger and stronger, but also wise and kind

Being "bigger, stronger, wiser, and kind" as a parent - these are the four essential aspects to keep in mind for parents who are looking to form secure attachments with their children. They balance each other out, and acting without any one of these "ingredients" may not be healthy. 

For example, just being bigger, stronger and wiser without being kind – for instance, establishing authority with a “just because I am a parent” mindset – can result in an unhealthy relationship where your authority overrides everything. Or being kind without being bigger and stronger – such as giving in to children's demands because it's easier to do so – can be seen as weakness.

– Sophia Goh, Principal Counsellor at Sofia Wellness Clinic 

5. Don’t underestimate the power of quality time 

Positive relationships between parents and children can be built by creating shared moments regularly. During this quality time spent together, it is all about tuning in and being aware of what is happening with the child. It shows that the child matters to their parents, which is a good base for a healthy secure relationship.

– Clare Kwan, Principal Psychologist at Private Space Medical