How To Talk To Kids: Wearing Makeup And Body Image
It's ok if your toddler sees makeup as pretend play
The way we communicate with kids can impact their ability to learn, listen and respond to us. In this series, psychologists, educators, and childcare experts answer our queries on communicating with children across various topics, from death and mortality to sexuality, mental health, finance, and more.
If your toddler has been sneaking into your makeup bag, making a wreck of his or herself with your eyeshadow palettes, lipsticks, and eyeliners... you're not alone. It's completely natural for a child to want to imitate their mum doing something, that looks, fun.
But for you, it can feel conflicting. The last thing you want is your children to feel they need to cover up flaws, or that you use makeup because you are not happy with how you look (even if that may be the case).
To get an idea of the best way to approach the topic of makeup, in particular with younger children, we speak to behavioural therapist and counsellor Xin Xuan who practices at MindfulBear, as well as Dr Kelly Chan, Child Psychologist practising at Think Kids.
Children are expert imitators and chances are if they've seen been watching mummy get ready for work or to get out, they will be wanting to imitate what you do. "A lot of children tend to mimic what their parents do and if they see mum putting on makeup before they go out," says Dr. Kelly Chan. "they might become curious about the process and want to relate to them."
Xin Xuan agrees. "Many toddlers see makeup as a form of pretend play, and this is nothing to worry about. They may just want to mimic what mummy is doing. In my opinion, we should guide and educate more than avoid. That is – avoid labelling makeup as “bad”.
Ultimately is the labelling makeup as "bad", as Xin mentions, that can lead to more problems than the actual experimentation. Adds, Dr. Chan. "I think there's honestly no issue with them with allowing them to [explore]. Everything is about how it is framed. So if you don't allow them to wear it or touch it, it often becomes a forbidden thing that they become more interested in. Over time, that can form a complex in them like, "What is this elusive magical thing that somehow I'm not allowed to touch?" But if you explain it, and give them access, after a while they lose interest, it's just like any other thing."
Developing unhealthy ideas about makeup and body image also depend on age. That's why it's better to frame the action as mimicking social learning, so that as children get older, they don't eventually develop a bad impression of what applying makeup is.
"I think what we want to avoid is how it's supposed to cover up flaws or enhance beauty," says Dr. Chan. "That's probably the conversation to steer clear off. You can explain it's in order to look more professional, or even for fun. If it's something you do because you like to do it, I think that's a very good response because then it's very internally motivated."
Despite your best efforts, it might be difficult to steer clear of the idea of body image when it comes to talking about makeup. So it's good to know how children view their bodies and the idea of body image for them (though this is something that will mainly apply to older kids).
Says Xin, "For toddlers, they are generally, naturally happy with their bodies. Signs of positive body image in toddlers can be loving to kick and playing with their toes, wriggling their bodies to move. For primary school children, they beam with pride at their growth in height, smile at themselves in the mirror, tell everyone about their favourite shirt and new haircut. For secondary school teenager, signs of positive body image can be spending only limited time worrying about food, weight, or calories. They seldom judge their self-worth and are confident, comfortable, and can accept they will look more mature through puberty."
Ultimately it will depend on the parent to frame makeup as something other than a way to look better or being related to beauty in the first place. "If you as a parent wants to talk to a child about makeup, it could be framed as something as fun to do. Also don't say they look pretty with makeup on, because that will become the immediate association," says Dr. Chan. "Generally speaking you don't want them to have too strong an association with an external thing (be it makeup, a dress, or facial features). Or you can say "You're beautiful, regardless of etc..." This takes the focus off that association which [children] can start building.
What do I do if my child comes home from school telling me that she's “ugly”?
For older children of primary school-going age, the exposure to different children and societal ideas of beauty is where confusion might set in for them. "It's around this age where children begin to understand there is a societal concept of what is beautiful, and then pit themselves against that," says Dr. Chan.
It can be a difficult, shaky time for children at this age when confronted with ideas of what's considered beautiful. If children come up upset about not fitting into what's considered the norm, or if they were to be called "ugly", Xin's advice for parents is this: "[they] should first show empathy and understand that your child is vulnerable towards peer influence. To navigate this conversation, parents should build on their child’s confidence, self-compassion and suggest various ways to say “no” to peer influences."
For example, parents can reassure their child that it is okay to be “who you are”, and that everyone is unique in their own ways and that’s what make them special. Essentially, if a child is happy with who they are and their choices and values, they are less likely influenced by other people’s opinions.
Dr. Chan also suggests not focusing on the word "ugly" and instead on the experience of being bullied. "You can ask them about what happened, such as 'Who said it?' 'How did that make you feel?'" Validate their experience and ask, "Are you sad? Are you angry?"
"But I would treat it as more of like an incident that happened rather than to keep validating that they are not ugly. I think it's counter counterproductive to focus on what was being teased rather than to look at the incident and the experience. Doing so can teach a child to slowly rely on external validation.