How To Talk To Your Child About Masturbation
First thing to note: It's not wrong
By Sandhya Mahadevan -
“Masturbation is a healthy form of self-discovery. It can also be used to self-soothe or to de-stress,” states Dee Stephens, Counsellor and sex therapist at Alliance counselling. Her matter-of-fact statement may seem to grate on our Asian sensibilities – which has been fed on the thought that masturbation was wrong and a direct route to hell. There’s also this unfounded myth surrounding masturbation that it leads to blindness. “This is the most outrageous myth associated with self-induced orgasms. Until today there has not been a medical case to prove it,” argues Dr. Natalie Games (Clinical Psychologist at Alliance Counselling.
Sure enough, statistics show that all adults have indulged in masturbation – with the prevalence being more among males than females across all cultures. But the question here is at what age do we start? As young as when we are babies says Dr Games. “When babies begin to explore their bodies as a part of their self-discovery, they quickly experience that touching themselves feels pleasurable. So, they repeat the behavior, and it continues throughout childhood.”
As normal a behaviour as it may be, it has potential to escalate beyond control. Our exposure to sex and sexual health has also increased manifolds – children have access to content and resources online that most of us did not have growing up. We had to rely on that one “experienced” friend or be lucky enough to have parents who are open minded. This also complicates matters for parents – not knowing where they are getting their information from, whether it’s too early, if their child is engaging in it too often or worse still just wondering out aloud if your child is indeed masturbating.
Here are some ways experts say they can help their child progress into positive behaviours when it comes to self love.
The first thing to address when your child reaches the age of self-exploration is to ensure they understand and respect privacy—theirs and others. This is more important than toying with when is a good time to have the talk about masturbation, says Stephens—“most discover it for themselves”. “If any discussion is to be given around sex in general, it is around positive messaging – it being ok to do, with an emphasis on privacy,” she adds.
“If your child is masturbating in a public or family space like the living room, you can start by acknowledging their feelings,” says Dr Games. “You can say, ‘I know it feels good to touch yourself, but touching yourself is something that people do in private. You can do this in your room, in the bathroom, or somewhere private.’”
Masturbation can become habitual for younger children – akin to sucking thumb or biting their nails– says Dr Games, so changing their behaviour can take time. “Ultimately, children become more self-aware, and with your guidance, learn to masturbate only when they are alone. This is along the same line as learning to close the door for privacy when you’re in the bathroom,” she adds.
“A child may engage in masturbation as a self-soothing mechanism when they are anxious. This can happen when there is a new baby in the house, when they are about to take a test, or even when they’ve fought with a friend or family member. Therefore, it is important to talk with them about their feelings, “ says Dr Games.
A simple: “Is anything happening that is making you feel angry or worried? Let’s talk about it, and I will help you”, is best conversation starter on the subject, and encourages them to express their feelings verbally rather than through behaviour, she adds.
On the same count, “teach what the child needs to know, given the situation,” stresses Dr Games.
“Although children usually respond well when parents take the time to give them correct information and answer their questions, it is important to provide information that is appropriate to the child’s age and developmental level. Keep in mind that you do not need to bombard children with information all at once. Let the situation—and the child’s questions – guide the lessons you share,” adds Dr Games.
The main objective here is to showcase that willingness for open conversation. If you are unsure or uncomfortable about what to say to your child, Dr Games encourages research – “look to trusted and respected sources of information. If you still are not sure then ask a trusted family member, your GP or professional to help.”
“There are also many age-appropriate books available that a child can read themselves (or be read to, age-dependent),” says Stephens. If you are concerned that the masturbation behaviours are excessive, or if they continue to masturbate in public despite discussing this with them, it may be wise to seek advice from an expert on the matter."
The first rule of having the talk is to be open about it and not shroud the conversation in metaphors – such as giving accurate names for body parts.
“Talking about sex with children will just encourage them to become sexually active.” This is a myth assures Dr Games. She quotes a recent survey on American kids where 9 out of 10 teens said it would be easier to delay sexual activity and prevent unwanted pregnancy if they were able to have “more open, honest conversations” with their parents on these topics. “When you talk honestly with your children about sexual issues, you can give them the knowledge and skills they need to keep safe and to make good decisions about relationships and intimacy,” adds Dr Games.
“For example, the parent might teach the children that it’s okay to be curious about other people’s bodies, but that private parts should be kept private, even with friends," says Dr Games.
It is important to set rules about personal boundaries (eg. Keeping private parts covered, not touching other children’s private parts; everyone has the right to say “no” to being touched even by grown ups; difference between 'okay' touches – comforting and welcome and ‘not okay' touches which are intrusive, unwelcome, painful or uncomfortable; who to tell if people do 'not okay' things to and ask you to do 'not okay' things to them."
“Masturbation is a healthy form of self-discovery, and allows them to understand their own bodies, including what touch they do not like, and what touch gives them pleasure. If your child can grow up with a healthy sense of themselves and their bodies, have a strong sense of empowerment over who can and cannot touch their bodies, this often can lead to better and respectful sexual choices,” says. Stephens.
Dealing with this delicate phase – however long-drawn it may be – takes a lot of patience on parents’ part.
But it is imperative that they are not made to feel guilty about the behaviour. “It is often better to avoid confronting your child about her behaviour too much. It can make a child anxious and even increase the behaviour or make them feel guilty or ashamed. Instead, you can distract them by redirecting them to another activity, such as playing a game or setting the table. Sometimes parents find that a combination of ignoring the behaviour and engaging the child in another activity works very well,” advises Dr games.
“As children age, it is important to broach topics of porn use – many older children and adolescents have witnessed pornography, or actively seek it. There is often a lot of curiosity around sex in general as it is often seen as taboo, so it is understandable they may seek it out. It is important that you and your child can talk about it in a shame free and open way,” says Stephens.
One of the most important things for parents to remember is that their child’s behaviour is not always mercenarily a bearing on their upbringing. The way children consume information has changed.
“Too often, children get the majority of their sexual education from other children and from media sources such as television shows, songs, movies, and video games. Not only is this information often wrong, it may have very little to do with sexual values that parents want to convey,” says Dr Games. “Explicit adult sexual activities are sometimes found during “family time” television shows, in commercials, and on cartoon/children’s channels, and can have an influence on children’s behaviours. Controlling media exposure and providing appropriate alternatives is an important part of teaching children about sexual issues. Get to know the rating systems of games, movies, and television shows and make use of the parental controls available through many internet, cable, and satellite providers.”
However, she cautions that is not the complete solution as children can easily stream such content online. Making time to watch television with them is important. “When appropriate, you can use this time as a springboard to talk about sexual or relationship issues, and to help children develop the skills to make healthy decisions about their behaviour and relationships,” she adds.