"How Do I Teach My Child Skills To Keep Them Safe From Sexual Abuse?"
Teaching children that they have a right over their bodies and how they're treated by others is crucial to their confidence and perception of self
By Michelle Lee SM -
In this series "How to Talk To Kids", psychologists, educators and childcare experts answer our queries on communicating with children across various big topics, from talking about death and mortality to sexuality, mental health, finance, and more.
Kids often think they can't say no when someone tries to touch them. Ever had a relative hug you or pinch your cheeks while you were young? Maybe you disliked it, but felt you couldn't voice it out? Teaching young children about their bodies and and genitalia is crucial to their self-confidence. It helps them understand what is a 'safe touch' and how they should be treated by others.
Experts from Safe Space — clinical supervisor Dr. Jasmine Yeo, as well as therapists Jeslyn Lim, Michael Chua and Aditi Chatterjee — share how parents can speak to their children about body autonomy, and how to handle situations if they have been touched inappropriately.
Feelings are children's first level of self-protection, Michael points out. "Teach them that if somebody is touching them, and it makes feel awkward and uncomfortable, they must tell the person to stop and move away. They should also inform a trusted adult (parents) about what has happened."
According to Jeslyn, you can also educate your child about "good" and "bad touch" by using methods like storytelling. "Provide clear simple rules, such as 'Your private parts are the parts of your body your swimsuit covers' and ' No one should take pictures of your private parts'. It is essential kids understand they can voice out if these rules are broken. Let your kids know they need to get out of the uncomfortable situation. You can also suggest a replacement greeting to hugs and kisses, such as high-fives or blowing kisses."
Sooner or later your child will become aware of his or her private parts.
"When talking to children, many parents give private parts all kinds of names but the right ones," he says. "It's important kids learn to be comfortable in naming body parts properly. So use words like penis and vagina instead of the "the bird". Genitalia are not "dirty", and kids need to love their bodies. When a child loves and respects their body, they will protect it."
In Asian cultures like Singapore, it's important to maintain family unity, harmony and continuity. So Aditi admits it not be as easy to instill body boundaries.
"There are roles and hierarchy in Asian families. Most families try to conform to these expectations. But isn’t it better to be safe than sorry?"
She ads, "Parents are choosing to be proactive because child sexual abuse is increasingly getting attention."
She says, "According to statistics in 2020, there were approximately 1.3 thousand cases of child abuse investigated in Singapore. Thus, it is important to teach our children about body boundaries. Teach them what to do in situations where they are pushed out of their comfort zone. ."
"Children are dependent emotionally and socially on their parents, so parents can be a positive role model for them. As adults we should model to our children that we never use our body to hurt or offend other people. And that other people are also not allowed to upset our bodies."
Dr. Jasmine Yeo adds, "It starts with consent. When you respecting the child's body and choice you teach them "You are the boss of your body". Give choices to your child. For example you can ask, "Would you like to give so and so a hug, kiss or a high five to say goodbye".
First, be aware of your ton of voice, and try to make the conversation more casual. That way it won't scare the child, says Dr. Yeo.
"Ask questions that use the child's vocabulary. Listen and follow up — allow the child to talk freely without interrupting or reacting. Wait for them to pause and then follow up with questions on any points that made you concerned.
Aditi agrees. She says, "Ask an open-ended question. For example, 'You seem to be sad, would you like to share what is making you upset?', 'I notice you are absent-minded, what is bothering you?', 'Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable?', and 'What would you do if someone tried to touch you without your permission?'"
"Reassure the child. Make sure they know they are not in trouble. If you're reporting it, tell the child you are going to talk to someone who can help. Be sure to tell them you are not asking for permission. Make sure the child is in a safe place before you make the report. Discuss with the authorities how to keep the child safe."
Jeslyn says, "Adults are often tempted to handle such cases privately, on their own. Some make the mistake of assuming a child will feel better if they hear the perpetrator will be severely punished. But this can be additionally traumatising for the child. Parents should recognise the importance of getting help, like making a report to authorities and getting appropriate mental-health support for the child."