How To Teach Your Child About The Right Spirit Of Competition
Nurturing your child's competitive spirit is important, but it's important to help them understand that it's not all about winning.
By Sandhya Mahadevan -
“We are sorry, but it’s time to say goodbye”...“You have been chopped”...
How often do we hear these words coming from judges on TV reality shows like MasterChef or Chopped? Elimination and rejection is never a nice feeling. And when it happens on the junior iteration of these reality shows, it is heartbreaking, to say the least. From the look of terror on the child’s face to be named among the bottom two or three, to the tears rolling down their cheeks upon hearing their name being called in the elimination round, these moments make for great TV because children are open and hide nothing – but how good is it for the kids themselves?
Are we exposing children to failure and success too early in life? Is it right for a 6- or 8-year-old to face rejection so blatantly and worse still in front of a worldwide audience? In a bid to show off our pride and joys, are we putting too much pressure on our children to perform — with winning as the ultimate goal? Are reality TV shows like this added pressure on the child’s mind which is already bogged by many other everyday challenges?
Of course not every child is going to grow up to be a Masterchef or compete in reality TV shows, but our society - with its focus on tuition centres and extracurricular activities - is competitive in its own right.
"There are pros and cons to everything, but if winning is the main goal, then children are unnecessarily exposed to the pressure of performance,” Vidya Shankararaman, a learning support teacher at an international school here. "The situations have potential to get exacerbated depending on the personality of the child," she warns. "Even if feedback and criticism is given with good intentions, there is the possibility that it could backfire, resulting in children reading more into it or taking it too seriously”.
Zheng June Sen, Centre Director at MindChamps Preschools, agrees, although she feels that it is okay for children to learn about success and failure from an early age. She also believes it's important to differentiate for children between reality and a show that is designed with the main objective of garnering views. “It’s more important that we explain to our champs the difference and how success and failure occurs in real life.”
Both agree that competition can help in building confidence, not to mention being a veritable showcase of exceptional talent. However, it is important that the objective be teaching them that good sportsmanship is more important than winning.
We live in a world where we are subconsciously competing in all things — in fact it is a natural part of evolution. Through time, all organisms have had to compete for access to resources, be it food, shelter or even mating partners.
If history is any marker, having a competitive spirit is as necessary for a child as it is innate. “It is about the child’s mental wellbeing. If we can instil resilience in the children, that would naturally allow them to be competitive and not shy away from challenges,” says June Sen.
“A competitive spirit certainly makes a child push himself or herself more, be better at whatever it is and that in turn means more effort, time, practise in pursuit of excellence,” agrees Vidya. “The same is true when a child is motivated to learn, when there is a purpose and an intrinsic interest in a particular topic.”
Sadly, we can get caught up in the rush of things and sometimes even project our own disappointments and try to live vicariously through our children.“Most of us have grown up with this culture of 'pass or fail' which we then tend to pass on to our children,” says Vidya, from personal experience.
The first call in doing that is to “foster the strength of character in our children to see failures as just a part of the learning experience, not something that define us”, says June Sen.
It is important for children to have a good role model as it encourages good sportsmanship in them, adds Vidya. It is also important to teach them to celebrate small victories — to teach them that the grand prize is not the be all end all of things. This will help expand their minds, look back at their mistakes without fear or judgement and learn from them.
“Healthy competition has its uses, it is necessary even, be it in academics or sport, it builds stamina, endurance and resilience. But, when competition and winning become a measure of success, then the focus shifts to the end result and not the process. Encouraging the attitude that the enjoyment of an activity, the process involved, the interactions along the way etc are far more important than the end result,” she says.
June Sen relates how MindChamps imbues that concept on young minds — to never shy away from a challenge, but to remember to respect those around oneself while doing so. “Competition should be embraced but not at the cost to your moral centre,” she adds.
In today’s world, where children consume information from different sources, a reality show on television is not the only point of concern. It becomes all the more important for parents to self reflect, revisit their own goals, and that of their children at regular intervals adds Vidya. “For parents and children alike, the idea of 'not there yet' is a good one to embrace, paving the way for self-improvement in a non-threatening and positive manner.