Do You Have These Intimacy Red Flags In Your Marriage?

It can be tough to keep the spark alive when you've been with your partner for a long time. You could perhaps be too busy with parental duties and therefore not have enough time for your other half, or one of you could have a demanding job that leaves little time for intimacy or quality moments with their spouse. Let's face it, even if you're both working from home and are physically in the same space all day, it doesn't mean you always make the effort to show you care.

Being too busy can get in the way of our relationships at times but it's important to maintain intimacy. Theresa Pong, founder and counselling director at The Relationship Room, explains that intimacy can be characterised by a deep, personal connection between individuals. It is marked by familiarity and love and entails a profound bond that goes beyond surface-level interactions. 

She cites Sue Johnson, a renowned clinical psychologist, who said that a deep, personal or emotional connection is the building block to a healthy and satisfying marriage.

“When a couple is able to enjoy this deep connection, they are able to attune to each other’s emotions and empathise in a supportive manner,” Theresa adds. “With this connection, the couple also enjoys a sense of security and trust in the relationship.” 

How a lack of intimacy impacts your marriage

Theresa lists a few repercussions:

• Communication breakdown: Without intimacy, a couple will find difficulty in having an open and honest conversation. This will eventually lead to misunderstandings and conflicts.
• Reduced physical connection: A lack of intimacy often results in decreased physical intimacy, including reduced sexual activity. This can result in the erosion of the physical connection, a crucial element in a marriage. 
• Impact on family life: Children may sense the tension and emotional distance between their parents. This would potentially affect their own emotional well-being.
• Impact on overall marital satisfaction: Without intimacy, a couple will experience resentment and frustration over time. This will lead to a reduction in the overall marital satisfaction, increasing the likelihood of a breakdown. 

Being intimate in different ways 

You might think that intimacy involves physical connection such as getting busy between the sheets or whispering sweet nothings to each other. While holding hands, hugging, having sex or sharing a physical closeness in any other way is one way to share intimate moments, there are other avenues of achieving this. 

Theresa suggests emotional actions such as sharing personal feelings and thoughts, being vulnerable to express fears and hopes as well as showing empathy. You could also be social together by enjoying common interests and activities, spending quality time and creating shared memories. Lastly, you can also get intimate in the spiritual sense, by discussing and sharing your spiritual beliefs or finding meaning and purpose together. 

“While physical intimacy is one aspect of the marriage, the various dimensions of intimacy are interconnected and determine the overall depth and health of the relationship,” she adds. 

You might have reached a stage in your marriage where you're so comfortable with each other and don't pay attention to the fact that you're too busy to spend time together. This is normal but it can lead to a breakdown in your marriage if you ignore it. Theresa notes that couples will have to navigate different transitions in their family life cycles as they spend more years together but it's important for them to maintain a deep connection so that they can have an open and safe platform to discuss and work through various struggles in life. 

Red flags

If you notice any of these issues happening in your relationship, you might need help, says Theresa:

• Lack of communication: In these instances, couples find that they only discuss practical matters and not issues that are deep and emotional.
• Increased conflicts or escalation: In such circumstances, couples are likely to find that, with the slightest triggers, the discussions they have will escalate to something more intensive or conflictual.
• Increased sense of disconnection and resentment: Couples may find themselves experiencing a lack of emotional connection in their relationship or they may feel isolated. Over time, resentment will build up. 
• Drop in physical intimacy: A significant decrease in physical affection – including a decline in sexual activity – may suggest a lack of physical intimacy. While levels of physical intimacy can naturally fluctuate, a prolonged and significant decline may require attention.
• Lack of common activities: When couples are not engaging in shared activities and hobbies, it may indicate a decrease in intimacy. Sharing common activities is important in fostering an emotional connection. 

How to get intimate with your spouse 

You might not have found the time to give much individual attention to each other but all is not lost. Here are some tips from Theresa to maintain intimacy even if you're super busy. 

• Set aside quality time: Set specific times in a day – even if it means 15 minutes before going to sleep – to check-in with each other.
• Create couple rituals: Make it a practice to celebrate special 'couple occasions' as a couple (with no children!). Such occasions can be celebrating Valentine’s Day, your wedding anniversary or going on a couples’ retreat. 
• Set boundaries: Set distinct boundaries between work and personal life, ensuring that work does not intrude on personal time. Consciously disconnect from work commitments during dedicated moments for couple time. 
• Embrace spontaneity: Surprise your spouses with small gestures. It can be a small gift or even an act of kindness. Such spontaneity breaks the monotony in the marriage!
• Prioritise communication: When it gets overwhelming to find time for each other – especially during stressful work or parenting periods – even a short message or quick check-in makes a difference. Stay connected throughout the day by sending each other quick messages or making short phone calls. Share thoughts, plans or simply express your love and appreciation for each other.
• Give thanks: Set aside a few moments each day to express gratitude for each other. It can be a simple acknowledgment of something your spouse did. A small kind gesture goes a long way in a marriage.

Theresa adds that renowned psychologist Dr John Gottman found it takes a couple six years to discover that they require help in their relationships. By then, couples would have experienced years of intense conflicts and deep hurt and it will take a lot of effort to repair their relationship. 

“It is recommended that married couples see a qualified relationship professional on a regular basis even if they are not in crisis,” says Theresa. “Take it as a 'relationship check-up'. Seeking marital therapy is not only for couples in distress. It can be a proactive and positive step toward enhancing one’s marriage, fostering growth and ensuring a strong foundation to navigate through various transitions.”