Is Your Spouse Emotionally Unavailable?

Have you ever felt like the emotional connections in your marriage are one-sided? You share everything with your partner but when you ask them something that relates to their emotions, you get nothing in return. Crickets.

In a relationship, having an emotional connection with your partner is crucial in order to understand each other better, be open and honest, and connect intimately. What you have here, instead, is someone who is emotionally unavailable. 

Theresa Pong, counselling director at The Relationship Room, explains that being emotionally unavailable refers to the psychological and emotional state of an individual who is unable to connect with other parties at a deeper and more vulnerable level. In a relationship, for example, she says it may manifest as a pattern of avoiding having difficult conversations that involve sharing emotions. 

She also notes that individuals could have commitment issues as a result of being largely emotionally unavailable and, therefore, unable to articulate their inner thoughts and feelings. 

“In this case, the individual may find difficulty in articulating their concerns about the relationship,” she elaborates. “Having such difficult conversations can be overwhelming for them, and to avoid staying in the discomfort, they will withdraw and remain quiet or avoid discussion that is related to future relationship plans.”

She adds that many individuals who find it difficult to have such conversations actually do care for their partners and are concerned about how their partners would feel in such conversations. It’s also possible that they have past experiences where trying to have such conversations didn’t end well. 

Theresa stresses that, while having commitment issues is one of the commonly-seen outcomes of emotionally unavailable people, the two don’t always equate. So this doesn’t mean someone who is emotionally unavailable will not want to get into a relationship and, likewise, someone in a committed relationship may also be emotionally unavailable. 

Look out for these signs

It’s not uncommon to make excuses for a partner if they don’t connect emotionally or hope that they’ll change and eventually open up to you. However, if you’re with someone emotionally unavailable, you should look out for the signs and be prepared for the situation you’re dealing with.

Theresa lists some signs of an emotionally unavailable partner:

1. Hesitation in expressing emotions

They generally minimise their feelings or avoid deep conversations, preferring instead to talk about mundane details and changing the topic whenever emotions come up.

2. Difficulty in establishing trust

They feel “raw” being vulnerable and will not want to be in a situation of constantly feeling fearful or worried that whatever is being shared will be used against them. A spouse exhibiting this may constantly feel guarded and secretive.

3. Use of analysis or logic in response

Because they are uncomfortable sharing their emotions, they’ll resort to using logic or analysis to engage the other partner in conversations. Even when discussing unhappiness in the relationship, they use facts instead of emotions or experiences.

For example, instead of saying, “I'm not comfortable with going to your mother's place for dinner because I feel left out of conversations,” they’ll say, “I'm too tired to go”.

“Do note that when the person responds logically, they normally speak in a matter-of-fact tone and don’t show much emotion in their facial expression,” Theresa explains.

4. Maintaining a physical and emotional distance

To avoid the feeling of discomfort in the relationship, individuals at times may resort to using physical or/and emotional distance to avoid any escalation in the relationship.

5. Focusing on self-reliance

Such individuals are reluctant to seek help from others for emotional support. So, instead, they focus on independence and self-reliance when faced with struggles.

How to make the relationship work

It’s not surprising that the experts think it’s tricky to have a happy and successful relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable. After all, bonding emotionally is an important facet of relationships. Theresa references Sue Johnson, a leading psychologist in couples therapy, who highlighted that emotional connection is the building block to a healthy and rewarding relationship.

“According to her, humans have the innate need to bond and connect with their partners emotionally. Through emotional connection, we experience safety, trust, support and security in a relationship,” Theresa explains. “Thus, emotional disconnection will result in distress, conflicts and unhappiness. This may also lead to a breakdown in the relationship in the long run.”

While it can be challenging to cope with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, there are certain steps that you can take to improve the situation – and, perhaps, the relationship too. Theresa recommends self-reflection – take time to pause and reflect on your needs in the relationship. This will help you to seek clarity about what you want in a relationship.

There should also be open communication with your partner. “Try to express using ‘I’ instead of ‘you’ and articulate your experiences and feelings,” says Theresa. “Explain how these experiences have impacted you in the relationship.

“Also, avoid using content that will make your partner feel defensive. For instance, say, ‘I was so worried about your safety and could not bear to go to bed early when I didn’t hear from you’, instead of, ‘I cannot go to bed because you didn’t call to tell me about your last-minute engagement’,” she adds.

You could also create a safe space for yourself and your partner, as emotional unavailability generally comes from past negative experiences, says Theresa. Creating a safe environment for both of you to have this difficult conversation is important. But you need to be patient and slow down the process as this will encourage your partner to open up.

And, finally, seek professional help from a qualified relationship and couples therapist if you need to. “A therapist can help both of you to explore and restructure any negative interactional patterns that perpetuate the disconnection in the relationship,” Theresa advises.

This article originally appeared on Her World, and was published here on July 28, 2024. Updated on 31 Aug, 2025.