In this series Jill Spills, Kiss92’s Jill Lim bares her soul about the trials and tribulations of being a millennial mother.
“And with baby, your family is complete!” After a long day out, whenever my daughter lies in between her father and I in the taxi home, I feel so whole and complete. Those are on good days of course. More often than not, the other saying rings truer: “Three's a crowd."
Cracks began to show early on
It didn’t take long for our little bundle of joy to turn on us, and us against each other. We were so fixated on doing the responsible thing, such as reading up on birthing plans, and what to do once the baby was here, that it didn't occur to us to figure out how to be good partners to each other.
5 weeks after having my firstborn, I felt like I bore sole responsibility in raising this child -- and if that was the case, I might as well do it alone. I wanted a divorce, and I was serious about it. I was crying in my parents car, overwhelmed with this tiny baby who had inconsolable colic, and a clueless husband. “He keeps waiting for me to tell him what to do! Why do I need to make all the decisions, I’ve never had a child either! I don’t know what to do either! Why can’t he figure it out and not always rely on me!”
My genuine despair was met with giggles from my parents. “Aiya, he’s a new father, give him time. I’m sure he can’t stand dealing with you either.” With hindsight, it was a very accurate and balanced response. But at that moment, I was betrayed. My parents taking my husband's side instead of immediately giving me the number of a divorce lawyer! Appalling.
It was about 6 months in when my husband had had enough and went to his family telling them he wanted a divorce. His reason was more to do with abandonment. He thought it was the end of our marriage because his love languages are words of affirmation and touch, and I could give him neither at that point. I deemed his contributions too trivial to recognise, thinking: “You want a statue built in your honour because you got home from work and fed and bathed the baby?”
His parents didn’t laugh it off like mine did. Instead, they got real serious, asking where he would stay and how he could secure custody of the baby should this really play out.
Pamela, a Love Story
When that documentary came out on Netflix, it spoke about how Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson wanted nothing more than to end their wild ways and start a family. When she finally conceived, it pretty much was the end of their marriage. Her words, not mine.
As with most women, Pamela did a 180. She was all consumed with her new son, and was touched out by the end of the day. Leaving a very clingy and needy Tommy Lee feeling resentful, dejected and honestly jealous. This is echoed by many couples.
“I sleep in the other room now, my wife sleeps with the baby." Or variations of how the husband has slowly but very noticeably been dropped to second place. Rightfully so in the first few months of life. Yet, it usually lasts way longer than that. It’s normal for couples to not have date nights or sex in the first year!
Is this another thing that men should just suck up and accept? Or does the burden once again fall on us women to try and give even more of ourselves?
Are men just being too needy?
Ask any man: if their wife and child were drowning, who would they save? There may be hesitation and thought, and the answer may be the child on rare occasions. Ask a woman the same question and before you finish, they will most likely answer: their child.
I hate to admit it, but I feel it’s largely up to us women to show more appreciation to our partners. Cheer them on and encourage whatever little contribution they bring to the table when it comes to child rearing. It worked for me.
Just hearing little words of affirmation was enough to appease my very neglected husband. Showing appreciation started off forced and accompanied by a lot of eye rolling. Praising him for the tiniest of things like “thanks for filling up the ice tray” quickly turned into him asking, “I’m at NTUC what does baby need?", which took some tiny weight off my shoulders, meaning I had more bandwidth to be loving and kind to my husband.
What lies ahead
The future's a big worry to me, being 9 months pregnant with my second child at the time of writing this article. How are we going to manage with 2 kids? I already feel dread whenever we look at our firstborn Lily’s baby pictures and my husband quips: “I seriously can’t remember her being this tiny!”
“YOU BETTER REMEMBER, AND REMEMBER QUICK! I WILL NOT DO THIS ON MY OWN!,” my mind screams.
I take comfort in the words of Michelle Obama, who very truthfully said that while she’s been married for 30 years, she spent 10 of those years not liking the man she was with.
I think about my parents' marriage and recall how they most definitely could not stand each other when I was at the ages of 7 to 12. I remember constant bickering, slamming of doors, and even hearing my mum tell her friend she wanted a divorce but couldn’t because “the girls are still too young”.
Strangely that gives me hope! Women being honest about their marriage, that things are going to get difficult. Difficult to the point where you’d want to call it quits, and the feeling will last for years potentially. At the same time, having the faith that you will make it out of the storm, and find each other again.
Will this second kid threaten to end my marriage again? I count on it, but I feel the odds are in my favour.