Everyone Asked About My Baby. What About Me?

When I first had my daughter at 28, one of the hardest things to get used to was being called “mum”, or “G’s mummy”.

I remember cringing when people referred to me as “mum” – and all the other synonyms.

It was as though I’d lost my identity overnight. What happened to Estelle?!?

Nine months of pregnancy hadn’t prepared me for how disorienting it felt to have a baby in my arms and suddenly be expected to know how to be her mother.

Then came confinement.

“How is the baby? Is she growing well? Please send me pictures of her.”

The questions kept coming. Everyone seemed interested in how my daughter was settling into the world.

What about me?

Becoming a mum takes time

There’s a word for the transition into motherhood: matrescence.

It encompasses the physical, emotional and social changes involved in becoming a mother, including shifts in identity and relationships. Like adolescence, it describes a period of development that takes time.

That idea gives me a way to understand the gap between being called “mum” and feeling ready for everything the role demands.

During confinement and maternity leave, I felt isolated.

My friends gave me space. Maybe they thought I needed rest and recovery. Maybe they didn’t quite know how to relate to Estelle as “mum”. 

I wish more people reached out to ask how I was recovering, and what I actually needed.

New mums deserve more care and attention

The initial postpartum months are tough for the mother. Beyond breastfeeding, trying to get into a routine and catch some Zs, there’s the emotional work of figuring out who you are now.

I was getting used to being someone’s mum. I also wanted people to remember I was still Estelle.

For me, a simple “How are you doing?” would have felt far more comforting than “How’s your baby?” as an opening line. It would have made room for me to talk about myself, and helped me feel that Estelle still mattered too.

In this episode of Too Tired Mums, my single Gen Z colleague Beverly asks me about becoming a mother at 28 – the age she is now. Her questions take me back to that difficult transition, and invite me to consider what I’d say to my younger self today.

Watch our conversation below.