Mum Guilt Is Unavoidable And Comes In Many Forms

Motherhood brings unique joys and pains to every mum, and we are better off acknowledging that. In this series called Mum Truths, mums reveal their secret successes, miseries and gripes about parenting in a no-holds-barred first-person recount.

Becoming a mother comes with so many new super powers. For example, you now are able to hear the faintest cry in your deepest sleep. At the same time, you can block out tantrums, and general child chaos to focus on a conversation. Your patience has exponentially increased. The ability to multitask is unparalleled! Our only kryptonite? Guilt, oh so many new types of guilt.

While some mothers claim to not experience mum guilt. I think it just hasn't shown itself yet. Some women experience guilt early on, from not being able to latch baby for instance. Others experience it later when they do their first outing without baby, or return to work. No matter how well-adjusted one may claim to be, that self-reproach eventually seeps in.

Pandemic guilt

I’ll start with myself. Having given birth at the height of the pandemic meant I got to spend every second with my newborn alone. As she grew, we were largely still working from home. I woke up to her, gave her baths, put her down for naps and took meetings with her on my lap or asleep on me in her carrier. 

When we first went from a pandemic to an endemic. I couldn’t help but feel guilty about the lack of time I’d have with my secondborn. 

On a good day, I would get in a shower and a quick 15-minute breastfeed. Then I’m off getting ready for work and the older one to school. In the evening, it’s mostly the same. A quick wipe-down and feed before my second child, Ziggy, is fast asleep. I’m a weekend parent to my secondborn. Would she even know I was her mother?

Firstborn guilt

The first time I heard about this type of guilt was when I did a video with local personalities Wendy Jacob, Annabelle Francis and Aarika Lee for Mother's Day.

I asked if they had a favourite child. Spoiler: all parents have a favourite, and it frequently changes throughout life phases. 

Wendy said her favourite was and would always be her firstborn, Irfan. When they announced she was pregnant, and with a boy, Singapore rejoiced! Our football hero would have a son to follow in his footsteps! When she had another three sons, needless to say Irfan became a lesser commodity. He would once again be overshadowed when his sister Iman was born. The princess of the family, who this time would step into her mother's shoes and become a model.

The more pregnant I became, the more I felt I could relate. Lily was my first. She taught me how to love, and be a mother. I would always love her the most, wouldn’t I? How would this second baby even come close? How dare this second baby come between me and my first love? My heart ached for my first baby.

Age gap guilt

The difficulties of having two under two are commonly talked about, but not so much the guilt that often follows. For perspective, I reached out to personal trainer Jasmine Danker, who is mum to 24-month-old Mika and nine-month-old Koda.

Jasmine shared: “My job allows me to be a real hands-on mother, so finding out I was pregnant again so quickly made me think about how Mika was still a baby and needed me. She wasn’t even in school yet, so we literally spent all our time together. Who’d be there for her?”

Leaning on her husband and helper helped to eased everyone into a new routine. “There was no guilt or jealousy when my helper had to play a bigger role in taking care of Mika. Mika is older, has bigger feelings and is able to understand if Mummy isn’t there. She’s still my priority, unless I’m breastfeeding Koda," she said.

Jasmine acknowledges the privileged position she’s in, having a flexible job as well as a helper, but has these practical tips for fellow mothers experiencing age gap guilt.

“Take the help! Remember to breathe and do what you can. If your child asks for your helper to bathe them instead of you, know that you won’t lose your bond. Take it as a little “me time” for yourself.”

Career guilt

After having my second, I wanted to get back to work as soon as possible. Strangely though, once I was back at work I’d feel really down by about 2pm. My mind would drift and I could just feel I wasn't as productive at work. I wanted to be home with my baby.

On the other hand, I was placed in a new team, with new co-workers and responsibilities. I wanted to prove that I was still a capable employee! It was a three-way pull every day between wanting to be a hands-on mother, the best colleague and the woman who had nothing to prove to anyone.

I’m still trying to figure it all out. I came across a New York Times article, which stated that full-time working mothers now are spending just as much time with their children than stay-at-home mothers did in the '70s. Are we stretching ourselves too thin? Perhaps.

Jill Lim is the perpetually exhausted mother of two girls and an adopted dog. Dark humour and cynicism are her love language. Like and subscribe at @killjilllll.