#MumStory: Her Son Stopped Her From Killing Herself
At the height of depression, Joselyn Tan attempted suicide and was saved by her son
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Editor's note: This story discusses sensitive topics such as depression and suicide.
Suffering from a mental health condition can be debilitating. For mum-of-three Joselyn Tan, she started noticing signs that her mental health was taking a downturn in 2017. The co-founder of éclat PR media started sleeping up to 16 hours a day, and shut herself off from her husband and kids. Once, she tried to stab herself with a kitchen knife; thankfully her oldest son Marcus was there to stop her. It was then that she decided to see a professional psychiatrist and was diagnosed with major depression.
Throughout her journey with depression, Joselyn has had the support of her husband and kids (aged 25, 23, and 19) to keep her going. She believes in being open about her condition in order to battle the stereotypes against those with mental health issues.
Read on for her #MumStory.
In 2017, I was diagnosed with major depression. I was 41 years old then. I'm normally an early bird and wake up by 7am or 8am. But at that time, I started sleeping in later and later. I just didn't want to get up, not even when it hit 12 noon. I simply didn’t want to do anything. I wouldn't eat breakfast, brush my teeth, or bathe. And that wasn't me, so I knew something was very wrong.
Eventually, I started to hide in my room. I would switch off all the lights and close the curtains. I wanted to surround myself with darkness. I didn’t even want to talk to my kids, and I’m normally a very chatty person. I felt lost, like there was no meaning in life.
A lot of people think that depression happens for a specific reason. It was only much later that I realised that multiple factors played a role in triggering my depression.
What were the triggers?
I have a toxic family member - my brother's wife. She’s a foreigner and felt like she didn’t have anyone to turn to in Singapore. Because of that, she believed that we should give in to her for everything. Initially, we agreed with this and tried to compromise for her.
She wasn't physically abusive, but she verbally abused both me and my kids. Not only that, when we got together for events such as Mother's Day celebrations, she would call my mum afterwards and freak out, saying things like: “Why didn't your daughter smile at me just now?" I slowly became paranoid and had to ask my kids if what she said was true.
Additionally, I did a therapy and counselling session in 2021 and realised I had repressed memories, also known as dissociative amnesia. It is a common occurrence in those who have experienced childhood trauma. Between the age of seven and nine, I was sexually abused by my cousin who was seven years older than me. He was staying with us during that period. This painful ordeal lasted for one and a half years in my parents' house. I repressed these parts of my memories until recently when he passed away.
I didn't have to. One fateful day, my sister-in-law called me and started screaming at me at the top of her voice. I couldn't make out what she was saying. My eldest son, Marcus, saw this and snatched the phone from me and hung up.
Due to the fact that there was a build-up of emotions concerning her, I lost my mind. I went into the kitchen and took a knife - not a butter knife, but a proper knife. I wanted to kill myself.
Marcus snatched the knife from me and hugged me for a very long time. He tried to calm me down and called my husband. Then, he called my father (who dotes on me the most). He told my dad that we wanted nothing to do with my sister-in-law. He said: “Look at mummy now. She wants to kill herself.”
Marcus, who was the only other person at home, called the SCDF -- an officer came and checked my blood pressure, etc. Eventually, my other two kids also came to know, and they visited me in the hospital.
When this happened, my kids were 19, 17 and 13. They knew what was going on with me.
Was it hard to raise your kids while battling depression?
Thankfully, it wasn’t. My kids, my husband and I are very close. We talk about everything with each other, even if it’s an adult issue. That meant I could freely talk about my condition with them.
Because I'm so open about my mental health, my kids are more careful about the words they use with me. At their age, the choice of words they use can be very harsh. But they became more mindful of how they talked to me because I was very sensitive and cried very easily during that period.
How has your family been part of your battle against depression?
I have my kids' and husband's support and comfort to push me through dark days. My eldest son, Marcus, and youngest son, Jerre, hug me all the time and kiss my cheeks to cheer me up. My second son Bryan will show his affection through words of affirmation and text me, saying he loves me.
While their actions don't get rid of my depression, they help me feel loved and happy, and see light and hope at the end of this dark tunnel.
There’s a stigma against those with mental health conditions. We live in a conservative society where people think that depression equals being crazy and out of your mind.
When you say you are seeking treatment at the Institute of Mental Health (IMH), they will be shocked. Even now, many people still treat those who go to IMH differently.
On top of that, people often tell me that I have to think positively and that I will be fine. But the last thing people like me would want to hear is such phrases.
We all know that we have to think positively, exercise more, and make more friends. We understand all these theories. Yet, what we are going through keeps us in low moods and leaves us wanting to cry.
I think the general public needs to know that a hug or a pat on the shoulder really helps those going through tough times. That’s why I believe we need to put in effort to share more about our condition with the public.
What's a recent motherhood that made you smile?
I participated in Mrs World Singapore in 2022 and was a finalist. At the time, my youngest kid told me that his friends really admire me and envy him for having such an "interesting" and "pretty" mum. That made me very happy because, well, my kid’s friends adore me!
What kind of support would you appreciate when it comes to motherhood?
It will be good if mums can get together to share their journeys and the difficulties they are going through without being judged or afraid that people will laugh at them. Support groups can really help mothers.
Helplines
Mental well-being
Institute of Mental Health Helpline
6389-2222 (24 hours)
Samaritans of Singapore
1-767 (24 hours) / 9151-1767 (24 hours Whatsapp CareText)
Singapore Association for Mental Health
1800-283-7019
Silver Ribbon Singapore
6386-1928 (Monday to Friday, 9am - 5pm)
Tinkle Friend
1800-2744-788 / tinklefriend.sg online chat (Monday to Thursday, 2:30pm - 7pm, Friday 2:30pm - 5pm)
Community Health Assessment Team (CHAT)
Online chat (Tuesday to Saturday, 1pm - 8pm)
Counselling
TOUCHline (Counselling)
1800-377-2252
TOUCH Care Line (for seniors, caregivers)
6804-6555 (Monday to Friday, 1pm - 5pm)
Care Corner Counselling Centre
1800-353-5800
Online resources
mindline.sg
My Mental Health
Fei Yue’s Online Counselling Service
Tinkle Friend
Community Health Assessment Team
Beyond the Label Help Bot