#MumStory: "We Shouldn't Guilt Mothers Into Breastfeeding"
Joy Tan pushed herself to breastfeed her firstborn until her blood vessels broke
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
When Joy Tan was first starting out on her motherhood journey, she felt pressured into believing that breastfeeding was the best choice for her kids. The mum-of-three (one son at eight years old and two daughters at six and four) struggled with breastfeeding her eldest. It came to the point where the stress got to her and she started having suicidal thoughts.
The founder of Joybaby -- an online shop on Shopee selling kids' masks and supplies -- believes that mothers should have the ability to make their own decisions. This is reflected in her parenting, where she gives her children the ability to make their own choices where applicable.
Read on for her #MumStory.
I dreamt of becoming a mother since I was young; I wanted to give all my love to a being that would bring me joy.
Why did you start Joybaby?
I started Joybaby in 2020 because I take my kids' complaints and requests seriously and wanted to create something for them. When Covid hit, it affected mask production in the industry. They were in low stock and I saw that my kids did not have well-fitting ones.
When they told me that their masks were not comfortable and made them feel itchy, or that the masks kept slipping down their faces, I knew I had to do something.
So I designed a new type of mask that was suitable for kids, and manufactured them under my brand Joybaby.
Before that, we sold kids' clothes and formula milk. I stopped selling those when I became a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) to look after my kids.
Are your children involved in your business?
My children are very involved in my business. When I started, my firstborn, who was four years old then, packed orders with me. On top of that, they helped me move when I shifted warehouses due to expansion.
They are also my support pillars; sometimes, when I break down due to work issues, they give me comfort through hugs and kisses.
You mentioned taking your kids' complaints seriously. Why do you do so?
We mums want the best for our kids. Because of that, we make many decisions for them; we worry about, think for, dress, and feed them. However, we often forget to think about what our kids want in life. Letting kids have a choice in things will help shape their futures and let them learn that every choice they make will affect them in some way.
For example, nowadays parents force unwilling kids to attend enrichment classes that they have no interest in. But when the mind is reluctant, learning is restricted.
We can make excuses and say that kids don't know what they want. But if you are attentive enough, you'll realise that even a baby knows what he wants.
For me, my then two-month-old firstborn knew that he didn't want breast milk.
When I had my first child, I had no experience in breastfeeding. My milk ducts were constantly blocked.
At that time, nurses, parenting books, and parenting articles pushed that breastfeeding was the best for children.
I was under constant pressure and the impression that if I didn't breastfeed my kid, he would lose out in terms of IQ, nutrients, immunity, and more. Because of that, I tried so hard to pump out the milk until my blood vessels broke and turned the milk red. I pushed myself to the point where I had suicidal thoughts.
When my firstborn refused to drink breast milk after two months, I broke down a few times. I kept asking him why he did not want Mama's milk when it was supposedly the best for him. But then I thought about what would benefit my child: was it a happy or depressed mother? So I chose to give him formula milk. Seeing him content with it made me more optimistic.
Honestly speaking, we shouldn't guilt mothers into breastfeeding. We are constantly guilt-tripping them and making them miserable. How do we expect them to raise happy kids but not let them decide what is best for their kids?
That becoming a SAHM is the best thing for the kids. Due to the fact that I started a few businesses and failed at many, those around me advised me to become a SAHM so that my kids would get the best care.
Because of that, I turned myself into a SAHM for four years. However, I think I became a better mother when I worked and sought help with household chores.
There's this idea that a mother's life should revolve around her kids. However, I believe that before you are able to take care of others, you first need to be able to take care of yourself.
As humans, we mums also have life goals, dreams, and seek personal growth. Without these, we become an empty shell.
How do you deal with mum guilt?
I need to travel overseas very often to get to my factory in China. I've also moved my base to Malaysia, so now I spend most of my time there. Right now, my helper is the primary caregiver of my kids. The mum guilt hits hard when I get back home.
Every weekend I'm back in Singapore , I'll take the kids out to play. My kids will run towards me and shower me with a lot of affection. They tell me that they are well. They tell me that love me and miss me. Like little adults, they let me know that they are doing okay without me. That helps to clear off a lot of my mum guilt.
I feel that having many conversations with your kids is the most important part so that they understand you and you understand them.
When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?
Support from the community. People usually give me bad looks when my kids show their emotions in public. I hope everyone can understand that kids are little bags of emotions. They are unable to control their emotions very well. They might cry and laugh loudly. But despite some of these episodes, they are still well-mannered kids with tender, loving hearts.