#MumStory: This Mum Of 2 Has Never Felt More Loved Than By Her Toddler
"The connection that we have always makes me smile (even when she makes me want to scream)."
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women's Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting -- because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Motherhood is already tough as it is. But when you add Covid-19 to the mix, you're bound to be in for a bumpy journey. Karen Fong, Associate Editor of The Weekly, is a mum of two - both of which are pandemic babies. This is her #MumStory.
My biggest reason was that my husband wanted children, and I was only keen to do so if I knew I could find a partner who would be willing to do the work with me.
Managing my time and everyone's needs and emotions. At the moment, I am breastfeeding my newborn, so she needs me physically. However, my toddler is going through a major development period and needs me emotionally. I didn't work for a year after having my toddler, and with work-from-home being the norm for the last two years, she's very used to me being around. I'm also just about to go back to work and I honestly don't know how I will be able to handle everything. Even with all the help I am getting, there are some things I still just have to do on my own.
The period when my firstborn was a newborn coincided with the rise of Covid-19 and Circuit Breaker, which just made being a first-time mum even more stressful.
I also had undiagnosed postpartum anxiety which made it very hard to enjoy any of the newborn moments.
I'm amazed at how quickly my toddler is picking up words and sentences, as well as understanding communication. Today when I picked her up from my parents' place, I told her I hadn't seen her all day, and she smiled at me, hugged me, and gave me a kiss.
The connection that we have always makes me smile (even when she makes me want to scream).
I wish I had realised that the whole "giving birth" part of being a mother would in the end be the easiest! I was so worried about giving birth the first time I didn't do any reading about the actual parenting I would have to do after it.
I wish I had done more reading and been more prepared... and I really wish I had known what resources were available to me such as lactation consultants and therapists ahead of time. When I became a second-time mum, having these resources made it much easier.
A calm and well-rested one! Haha, but I think that's going to be a long time coming.
Ultimately I just want to be the first person my kids know they can turn to when they're having a tough time or when they want to share some good news. I don't ever want them to be afraid to come to me with anything.
Future schooling and societal pressures are definitely a worry. I've heard how bad bullying can be in school even from a young age, and I just hope I can give my kids the skills they need to cope with it. It's also important that my husband and I parent with the same goals in mind, so I think we have to check in with each other occasionally about how we discipline or talk to our kids. It's a non-stop learning process.
On that note, I actually expected that with our different cultural upbringings, my husband (who is British) would be the lenient one and I (who am Chinese) would be stricter. But it's been the other way around. He's more traditional in terms of discipline - but at the same time agrees with me on the general ideas of respectful parenting. So we talk about how we can agree on things. I think open communication is the most important thing even though it's not always easy.
My kids are young and they change and learn things so fast! It's really special for me to be able to be present and see those changes.
I've also never been loved so much as I have been by my toddler. It's a big responsibility but also super validating in some ways.
The wheels on the bus go round and round - I haven't heard new music in at least a year. I also like to remind myself, parenting is a marathon - not a sprint - some days you just need to let the TV be your babysitter in order to be a better parent tomorrow.
How has your relationship with your other half changed after having kids? How do you keep it strong?
Our kids are very young so they need a lot from us physically. Sometimes it feels like we're ships passing by each other - when I'm up feeding the baby and he's off to settle our toddler who wakes crying in the middle of the night. When we had just one child, we were able to go on date nights and spend time doing things we liked separately.
Now that we have two, it's taking some time to find our equilibrium, but I have no doubt we'll get there eventually.
With my first child, I was unemployed and off work for a year. That gave me time to do a lot with her, which I really treasure. I really wanted to go back to work, but four months (three months for permanent residents) feels incredibly short. I'm still getting used to a breastfeeding schedule and dealing with middle-of-the-night feeds etc.
But I worry that taking more time off means I won't be able to come back to a job I love. I also think fathers should have more paternity or family leave, if only so they can be the ones to take days off when the kids are sick and can't go to school – pretty sure in most families it's the mum who does that now.