#MumStory: She Had Her First Child At 45 Years Old
She didn't want children at first -- here's what changed her mind
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women's Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting -- because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Deciding to have kids is a life-changing matter. For 51-year-old Lily Kew, the turning point happened when she was 42. After trying to conceive naturally for a period, she went for IVF. Today, she's a mum of two girls, who are 6 and 3.
As the founder and director of Kew Organics and Sugar K Organic Peel Bar, her decision to have children has changed the way that she works.
She shares that "before the kids came along, [she] worked seven days a week, thinking about [her] business all the time". But now, she sets a clear boundary between work time and family time. Continue reading to find out her #MumStory.
I like kids but never wanted to have my own. I know it’s not easy to raise and nurture kids in order for them to become good people who can make positive contributions to the world.
But, funnily, when I was 42, the thought of having a kid occupied my mind so much that the image of a baby was the first and last thing in my mind when I woke up and went to sleep.
And I found so much peace and joy with this idea. So I guess my body and mind were ready for kids and me being me, I just did it.
I also have the desire to give and nurture another; I feel I have enough to share (love, energy, emotions etc). I see so much negativity in this world so I hope to have a positive influence on the younger generation. I want my kids to grow up resilient and with a healthy mindset.
If you could restart this motherhood gig, what would you do differently?
I will not spend money on white or light-coloured clothes and branded stuff for them because they’ll get stained easily. Also, they grow up very fast so lots of their clothes are worn for a few times only.
During our first marriage, both my husband and I were very focused on our own career. We both have strong personalities and due to a lack of communication and constant arguments, we got to a point of not wanting to talk to each other at all. We both felt that it was the other person’s fault. This led to our divorce.
During the four years when we were apart, we had time to reflect and realise what we did wrong, and what actually makes a blissful marriage. Attending the same church and cell group meant that we got to see each other every week. As we did not divorce on a bad note (we still love each other but at that point, we could not see it), we could still have conversations and so we talked about what went wrong in our previous marriage.
As time went by, we rekindled our feelings for each other. We both vowed to build a Christ-centred marriage, which gave us the confidence and peace to remarry. So after four years, in 2012, we remarried. It’s been 10 years now – we are blessed with two cute and lovely girls who make us laugh and also make us better people. During this time, as a husband and wife team, we have built successful businesses with Kew Organics and Sugar K Organic Peel Bar.
Indeed, marriage takes three; with the third person being God.
It has had a positive impact as I use it very selectively for information and support on parenting matters.
How do you maintain a healthy relationship with social media?
For my business, I keep myself updated on what’s going on by checking in every couple of days (not daily). After office hours, I will put aside all devices to focus on my family and set a good example for my kids. Also, I selectively follow accounts that make a positive impact on my business and personal life.
I choose to follow only people with positive vibes and who share similar beliefs as me i.e. dare to go makeup-free because bare skin rocks. For example, celebrities such as Cameron Diaz and Mila Kunis, who believe in ageing gracefully and being their authentic selves.
Not at all. I see motherhood as an adventure to roll with and enjoy every moment, even during situations when my kids push me to my limits. I try to take it positively, as an exercise to train my patience and maintain a dignified composure.
I remind myself to keep my cool when I face such situations. It’s my way of setting a good example for my girls so they know that we can solve problems calmly. Having said that, I have lost it a few times as I’m only human!
Before the kids came along, I worked seven days a week, thinking about my business all the time. Sometimes I even dream about it because I’m so passionate about transforming skin conditions that are plagued with various issues (as I have personally experienced how good skin can transform lives for the better).
When my skin was bad, I was very self-conscious and afraid to go to places with harsh, bright light. This affected my self-confidence and social life. I also used to spend so much time in the mornings covering up my skin just to make myself look presentable.
When my skin condition improved, I felt free. I wake up each morning with positive vibes and confidence to face the world. My interpersonal skills improved as my social life grew. Good skin doesn't only help you look good, but it also gives you the confidence to go out and achieve your goals.
After my first child came along, I was working the same way for the first one and a half years.
However, I realised it was not ideal as I was not productive at work and my child was acting out as she wasn’t getting enough attention. So I decided to keep to a nine-to-six work schedule, working only when she was at school and devoting my after-hours to my kid (two kids now).
It is also important to delegate and hire a reliable team. Trusting that the team is able to undertake the necessary responsibilities gives me the time to focus on what really matters.
I'm fortunate to have built a business that I'm able to enjoy: going for facial treatments. The deep tissue, tension and pressure point release for the face, head, shoulder, neck, upper back, décolleté and upper arms massage is divine and such a great retreat and recharge! I feel so light and rejuvenated after every facial.
My husband is very much involved in the business as well as in raising our two girls. We are partners in life and in business. Together we divide and conquer!
I had promised my kids to put aside my work after 6pm, but I was still working at 6.45pm. My older one reminded me but I continued to work. When she walked away, coincidentally, I looked up.
I saw the sadness and disappointment in her eyes and facial expression; I felt so guilty and there was an indescribable pain in my heart. I quickly stopped work and went to join her.
How about a recent motherhood moment that made you smile?
My older one’s K2 graduation. Not only did I smile, but I also had tears of joy and felt so proud of her. My husband, my younger one and I spent the whole day with her and she said: “This is the happiest day of my life.” I couldn't stop smiling.
What do you love most about being a mum?
Playing, doing things together, and simply bonding with them.
To make sure my husband and I have a rock-solid loving marriage, and we are always the first people our children come to whenever they have problems. When a child grows up in a warm and loving environment, they will feel secure and have the confidence to form healthy relationships.
I’ll like to have support from a community of mothers with children of different ages and backgrounds so we can learn and support one another. Me being me, instead of just wishing for this kind of support, I took a step further and started MFL aka Mums for Life with a few other mummies.
MFL celebrates a mum’s unique identity as a woman and her irreplaceable roles as a daughter, wife and mother. When mums are confident in their unique identity and multiple roles, they can better nurture their children and support dads in building a stronger family in an increasingly complex world.
Motherhood is a journey of discovery in so many ways. As mums walk through life as daughters, wives and mothers, we encourage mums to reflect on their journey so as to learn and grow in their roles.