#MumStory: IVF Mum Of 3 Shares Her Journey And Tips
"You cannot control how your body reacts to these treatments and there are no sure-win supplements or additional activities that you can do to help the process."
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women's Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting -- because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Conceiving is not as easy as everybody makes it out to be, and entrepreneur Rafidah Jalil is all too familiar with this fact. She is the mum of three beautiful children; all conceived through IVF treatments. However, the journey to reach this point had its highs and lows.
Having gone through one failed cycle and losing one child along the way, Rafidah openly shares her IVF experience and encourages couples to be fully prepared -- mentally, physically, and financially. Read on to find out her #MumStory.
To have my very own family that I can care for and provide happiness to. My husband and I have always wanted children, and with where we were at in our marriage as well as careers, we felt that it was the right time to embark on our next chapter as parents.
Yes. We tried for about six months before seeking fertility treatments as we had a sense that something was amiss.
We first did routine fertility checks for both me and my husband at our GP. The results on his end showed potential issues with his sperm, hence we were referred to the fertility specialists in NUH. As our infertility was due to male factors, the doctor advised us to go straight to IVF treatments for the best chances of success.
What were the biggest struggles/challenges you faced during your IVF journey? How did you overcome them?
Surprisingly, the biggest challenge was learning how to mentally cope with the IVF journey. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I was not in control of the outcomes. You cannot control how your body reacts to these treatments and there are no sure-win supplements or additional activities that you can do to help the process.
The mental state of not knowing the eventual outcomes and not being able to do much (other than the standard treatments) was very debilitating. On top of that, you are meant to live your life and go to work per usual even though you might be going through a lot of mental stress as well as physical changes due to the treatment.
After my very first successful IVF cycle when I conceived my son, going through a failed IVF cycle during my second cycle and a miscarriage (in week 8) for my third was very difficult. I felt like I was unable to go on during these setbacks. However, I'm glad I was resilient enough to do so, and was successful in my fourth cycle with my twins.
One thing that kept me going was the growing IVF community in Singapore on Instagram. I managed to connect with a few other IVF warriors, and just sharing stories and experiences really helped. That was when I found Fertility Support SG, a support group that aims to help provide support and resources to infertile couples in Singapore. Back when I was trying to conceive, I followed their content which was very useful and supportive. After my twins were born, I decided to join them fully as a contributing member. I am currently the treasurer of Fertility Support SG.
I've gone through four cycles in total. During the first cycle, I just went head-on and didn't really think much of it, especially since it succeeded. However, with the second to fourth cycles, it became very apparent that I took that first cycle (I was 31 then) for granted. I did not realise how much age plays a part in the health of your eggs and hence the probability of succeeding.
Even though it was only a two-year gap between my first and subsequent cycles, the doctors had to help me more with different methods and medication to make up for my lower Anti-Müllerian Hormone (AMH) levels. I was definitely more anxious during my second to fourth cycles as the desire to have more kids and siblings for my son was so strong. I was constantly worried that I would fail.On top of that, time was against me as the older I got, the poorer the chances were of me succeeding. There was definitely a lot more stress during my second to fourth cycles.
Extremely heartbroken and angry. I was in a state of shock and disbelief to have lost it after everything we'd gone through during the six months of IVF treatments. I felt like my world just shattered and I was grieving for weeks.
Were there times when you felt that your loss wasn't acknowledged?
Unfortunately, my doctor was not the most touchy-feely person, so when he found no heartbeat, the way he announced it and his subsequent words were not very sensitive. It was only when I started crying that he realised that he had to be softer and more tactful with his words.
Someone also tried to tell me that the miscarriage was "OK", and that people go through it all the time. However, for me, I felt like there is a difference between when a miscarriage happens after you've conceived through extensive fertility treatments versus natural conception.
At the time when I was grieving with loss, I felt like it was not just the loss of our baby, but also the investment of our time, mental and physical health, effort, and money from the fertility treatments. Part of the grieving process also entails moving on, and for us, we couldn't just move on with conceiving naturally. We had to go through the whole IVF process again for that next shot at conceiving, and that can take months. I felt like my infertility journey was not being acknowledged.
My husband just being there, supporting me, holding me, and giving everything I needed was so helpful. My family were also very present in checking in on me. My elder brother sent me flowers with a message that read: "It's okay to grieve and take all the time you need", and that quote really stuck out to me.
There is no need to pretend to be strong during this period.
So I created a playlist with all the songs that were able to get me through that time, and I allowed myself to cry as much as I wanted. These are some songs that I played on loop during the multiple journeys to and from the hospitals:
You are the reason - Callum Scott & Leona Lewis
Unstoppable - Sia
Rise Up - Andra Day
I also listened to a lot of Muslim Songs to get me through by hanging on to my faith:
Solatuwasalam - Raihan
Asma Allah Alhusna - Maher Zain
Rindu Baitullah - Rabbani
On top of that, I did a ton of meditation that was designed for mourning -- that really helped me to take steps forward.
Therapists say that when a couple loses a child, it can feel as if they are not grieving together. What was it like for you and your partner?
Honestly, I think I was too concerned with my own physical and mental state to stop to think about my husband. Thankfully, my husband was beside me throughout the whole miscarriage and cleansing stage. But I could have done a better job at checking in on how he was doing, as I'm sure he must have gone through a world of sadness too.
What has been the most stressful period of motherhood for you? Why?
Trying to be the best mum at home, and the best employee at work. Trying to be at my best in both worlds was trying. Plus, the period of our second IVF cycle was hard because my stress level was high at work.
As an IVF mum, the guilt of not being able to be the best mum I can be is massive. I get a sense of extreme guilt whenever I am not at my best with my children as we consider them to be huge miracles and blessings to us -- to be able to conceive and bring them into this world through IVF. I think about the millions of other women and couples who have and are still struggling for years to be able to conceive their children through assisted reproductive technology like IUI and IVF.
It is heartbreaking every time I lose my temper, or am not able to be my best self given that I've yearned and wanted to have children for so long. We have been extremely blessed with our three IVF children, and I always try to be the best parent I can and find ways to better myself, whether it is through books or therapy.
I wish I knew that there is no one perfect formula to be a good mum. You are a good mum if you have tried your best.
And also that I'm human. There are bad days when I might do something which I regret, and then there are good days when I feel like I'm Supermum.
I learnt that it's okay as a parent to say sorry. It's okay to be vulnerable and show your flaws so that you can continue working on them.
I wish I knew that you do not need to get it right the first time, and you do not need to pressure yourselves to mirror what other mums make it out to be. It's okay to learn from your own journey and continue improving from there.
Needing to focus on my start-up and not being able to dedicate as much time as I wanted to towards the learning aspects of my children; I recently established STEAMSEL Edutainment, a social entrepreneurship aimed at producing accessible Science, Technology, Engineering, the Arts, Math (STEAM), Social Emotional Learning (SEL) and Heritage content for bilingual children. Our first priorities are the English and Bahasa Melayu languages. Our programme is slated to launch in the second half of 2023.
This is why I'm happy that I decided to send my children to preschool as early as 18 months as they get so much value and experience there. When they are back, I will make sure to spend quality time with them, and feel less #mumguilt.
How has being a mum changed you as a person?
I've definitely become more patient! The biggest change is to also be brave in seeking therapy in areas which I've struggled with for so long, such as my anger management issues, in order to be a better mum. Motherhood has also humbled me and taught me how to show more empathy to our little ones as I was more used to the "just get the job done" corporate cut-throat world of banking before this.
Seeing and observing my children as they blossom into their own people. Catching them in their best moments and seeing how investing my time in them makes a difference.
Not just that, but being able to proudly refer to these children as MY kids.
When it comes to motherhood/parenting, what kind of support would you like more of?
More support from like-minded mothers whom you can banter with and share the realities, struggles and beauty of motherhood with zero judgement. There are tons of support groups out there, but finding a group of ladies that share the same values and mindset as you would be very helpful.
That you need to really be invested in it - mentally, physically and financially! The mental challenge is going to be even bigger than the physical things you need to go through. An IVF cycle does not necessarily equate to success.
I like to describe IVF as experiments which you may not get right every time. Each treatment is different for every couple, and sometimes the doctors need a few treatments to figure out the optimal "formula" for you.
Do your research on the basics of the IVF process so that you know what you are getting yourselves into.
Be each other's support and strength. If your strength is in the biology or science part of things, read up so that you can support your partner in asking questions and even comforting him/her. If your strength is resilience, use that to support your partner and remind them that you are in this together.
Do not give up. Sometimes it can feel like all is lost, but keep going for what you desire.
Do not wait too long. The number of eggs we have is finite and they deplete over time. If you wait too long to seek help, no amount of IVF cycles may be able to help you.
Find a support group that works for you. Sometimes, nothing beats talking about these struggles with people who have or are also going through them. For example, at Fertility Support SG, we provide support through our private Facebook group and WhatsApp groups, and share tons of resources on our website and Instagram (@fertilitysupport.sg) page.
An additional tip I have for single and unmarried women and men would be to do basic fertility checks. A blood test would be able to tell you the health of your eggs and sperm. With the knowledge of your fertility health, you would be able to plan and make better decisions for your future if you wish to have kids. Also, with Singapore allowing single women to freeze their eggs now, you can consider this option depending on your fertility results.