#MumStory: "I Sometimes Feel I’m Not Meeting My Kid’s Needs"
Having trouble balancing work and family? You're not alone
By Terri Kue -
#MumStory is a series by The Singapore Women’s Weekly to uncover the underrated and underreported moments in motherhood and parenting — because we believe every mum has a story worth telling. Got a story to share? Email us at sww@sph.com.sg or slide into our DMs on Instagram.
Any working mum knows the struggle of carving out time for kids. Balancing work and career is by no means an easy feat. For Xie QianQian, co-founder of unisex fashion label GRAYE, she feels like she's falling short when it comes to motherhood, from time to time.
Now, QianQian is taking the initiative to shift her focus from work to family in order to enjoy the little moments with her two-year-old son, Xander.
Apart from sharing her experience balancing work and family, the mumpreneur also shares with us a new subset of her fashion label, YOUNG by GRAYE. Fashion-trained in polytechnic and for her bachelor's, QianQian created YOUNG to advocate for sustainable clothing for children.
Read on more for her #MumStory.
I wanted to create a family with my partner. We both love kids and we were quite sure we wanted kids before we got married.
Before I became a mum, I didn't have a solid reason for wanting a kid. But now that I have my son, I've found the reason I want to be a mother: the ability to nurture someone and give them the space to grow and show them love - it's something you can't experience if you're not a mum.
What would you say is the hardest thing about being a mum?
One of the biggest challenges I face is time management because I have to balance multiple responsibilities. Sometimes, unpredictable events happen at work or with Xander, which can be stressful, especially when he gets sick. This makes it hard for me to plan ahead and stick to my schedule.
I also wish I had some time for myself. But being a mother and an entrepreneur, it is challenging to carve out me-time.
Still, I try to steal pockets of quiet time alone to have lunch or coffee breaks and to catch up on what’s happening in the fashion or technology world.
Luckily, we have a lot of support from the family. My mother-in-law helps to look after Xander when we are not there for him. It's getting better, though, as he goes to school most of the time. We try our best to send and fetch him from school, too. Other than that, in the case of emergencies, we leave him with his grandmother.
But I sometimes feel I’m not meeting my kid's needs or expectations. When I can’t spend enough time with him because of work or other commitments, I feel like I’m neglecting him or letting him down. I also feel this way when I see other parents who seem to have more resources, skills, or patience than me.
These situations make me wonder if I’m a good parent. The mum guilt kicks in and I ask myself: What is important to me? Should I work or play with him?
To deal with these negative feelings, I try to adopt a positive and realistic attitude towards myself and my kid. I remind myself that I’m doing the best I can with what I have and that I’m not alone on this journey. I also reserve my weekends for him as well. I will try not to work; I'll rush all the work during the weekdays or when he is asleep.
Why is spending time with your son important to you?
As mums, family time is really precious. We work so hard to have a better life and so that we can spend quality time with our children.
I'm slowly placing family time as my priority now. I would say that during the past one to two years, my priority was on work. Even after I gave birth, I worked very hard. But now I'm changing my priorities and trying to balance things out. Seeing him grow and the wonderful times I can have with my kid - I don't want to miss those, especially when he's young and still needs a lot from us. I try to plan ahead so I don't have to sacrifice time with the family.
As a mum of a growing toddler, I didn't enjoy having to constantly buy new clothes for my son when he outgrew them every few months. It was tedious to constantly organise and swap out clothes for him. Also, the differing size measurements of brands were rather confusing!
It's just unsustainable to replace clothes that fit for only a few months. While hand-me-downs are a way for some, many end up not wearing them as often due to second-hand conditions. They are thus more likely to be thrown away since someone has already used them.
Most parents would keep the unwanted clothes aside but don't know what to do with them, and they eventually end up in the landfill too.
Being a designer myself, I started thinking of how I could solve these issues. I came up with children's label YOUNG by GRAYE after creating many samples.
Our onesies have a roomy fit that is well-proportioned, which means that only two sizes are needed before the baby reaches the age of two. It is a versatile piece that can be transformed into a T-shirt by cutting off the bottom part and hemming it professionally. We provide this as a complimentary service after purchase to enhance the value of the clothing item.
At a nominal fee, there is the option of customising these tees with cute patchwork, prints, and more. We would like to invite parents and their kids to discover how they can revive and prolong the life cycle of their garments through repair and customisation. Adopting this "make and mend" practice instills our sense of responsibility towards living a more sustainable lifestyle.
When purchasing kidswear, go for a slightly bigger size but pay attention to the waist measurements to make sure they'll fit! Also, when dealing with unwanted garments, learn to DIY and have some fun together with the kids to turn them into something new.
What are your thoughts on maternity wear?
I know from personal experience what mood swings are like, from the prenatal to postpartum stages. So I'd say to just wear something that makes you happy!
Clothes are an important part of expressing yourself and feeling comfortable, especially during different stages of motherhood. Different stages might require different dress codes, especially if you are a working mum. I usually opt for comfy and functional pieces that still resonate with my style and are suitable for both work and leisure. Pockets are a necessity, with or without my child around me.
What do you think about gendered clothing for children?
While it is nice to have some clothes particularly designed with gender in mind, for example, dresses for girls, I think having unisex clothing, which could be shared among the kids if you have more than one child, is a bonus! I also find it cute to see little girls in trousers, which do not restrict their movements as kids are playful and active.
As someone who's big on sustainability, what do you look for in your clothes?
Fabric content, washing instructions, and wearability. I try to avoid fibres that I am not familiar with, especially delicate ones like wool. I prefer clothes that are easy to take care of and do not require professional cleaning. For wearability, I often consider if there are different ways of wearing a piece or different ways to style it when I make a purchase. It’s a bonus if it serves more than one function or if it’s an essential piece that I can build my wardrobe around.