Are We Really Setting Our Children Up For Success With Tuition Classes?
It has sometimes been anxiety-inducing to swim against the tide of tiger parenting, but we have to do what we think is right for us, says Ng Mei Yan.
By Ng Mei Yan -
If I had a dollar each time someone asked if my husband and I send our children to tuition or enrichment classes, I’d have amassed a small fortune by now.
“Oh yeah, we send them for swim and art.” (No, we are not raising little Monets. Art class is where they get to make the kind of creative mess that we can’t endure at home.)
“But what about Chinese and phonics?”
A smiling shrug is my polite response. Inside, I feel the slightest flutter of anxiety.
My husband and I have always believed that academic classes outside of school are often unnecessary; they take away the joy of learning when the child is a reluctant participant.
As newly minted parents seven years ago, we thought this would be the prevailing belief among the mums and dads of our generation. How mistaken we were.
It didn’t take long before we found out the range of enrichment lessons some friends’ little ones have been partaking in. Right brain training for babies and toddlers, speech and drama, abacus, languages, math and science for school-going kids… the variety is astounding really. One particular kindergartner is attending six (yes, six) classes in a week.
I laud the Ministry of Education’s efforts in recent years to shift the emphasis away from book smarts in favour of developing skills and values in an increasingly complex, ambiguous and volatile world. Fewer school exams and blunted PSLE scoring are supposed to provide some relief to students struggling in the academic pressure cooker.
Despite the strong messages reiterated time and again, parents’ fervent chase for academic excellence continues. In fact, tuition centres are even enrolling children as young as four.
It is true that by securing good grades, academic pathways open. You have the widest choice of schools at the secondary and tertiary levels, and even a good shot at a prestigious scholarship for some. But this begs the question, and then what?
An elite secondary school teacher said to me recently that many bright students with a laser focus on achieving distinctions have ended up becoming jaded and cynical teenagers. “What next, after you’re done chasing grades in school?” he asked. These students often become lost, unable to find meaning to life or deal with stumbles in the real world because they have never had practice.
What exactly is the kind of success that we are expecting our children to achieve then? This is the key question that we as parents need to answer. Are we simply sticking to the tried-and-tested way of leading our children to a cookie-cutter white collared job? Or are we raising them with the goal of imbuing strong values and helping them be their most authentic self?
Over the years, the most interesting characters (and lauded entrepreneurs) I have interviewed are those who have failed and bounced back on their feet. They are the ones who have gone against the grain and taken the path less trodden. The huge risk gave them huge payoffs.
One leading property tech developer said that the one year he stayed back in polytechnic taught him humility, empathy and the ability to handle harsh criticism laid upon by older relatives—precious qualities that helped him thrive in the real world.
I’m not saying that there is no place for tuition or enrichment. Of course, if our child is struggling to keep pace in class, it is only right that we help them get the hang of their subjects so they can power through the education system with their self-esteem intact.
And if the little one displays wide-eyed interest in music or coding, it makes sense to nurture their interest in the area if it is within our means to do so.
It becomes questionable when our intent is to get ahead of the pack. Life then becomes a constant competition that the kids feel like they need to win. And it begs the question: why is getting a B or C so devastating? Even failure isn’t the end of the world; it’s but a small blip and a huge opportunity to teach grit and resilience.
The tuition craze is also creating a greater social class divide. Those who can afford them move ahead while those from disadvantaged backgrounds fall further behind in our rigorous system.
In my head, the ideal scenario would be for all tuition centres to become not-for-profit businesses—China has already taken this drastic step—with minimal marketing channels. Subsidies by the government and philanthropic bodies will be given to lower-income families so children in need are able to attend after-school classes at a nominal fee.
The cherry on top will be the abolishment of PSLE, which to me is the number one reason why parents are in a tizzy over exam-prep. It is odd that young students get to enjoy exam-free years but then are thrown into the deep end when they hit Primary 6.
If entry to secondary schools could be based on an aggregate of factors including strengths in core curricular activities, leadership and soft skills, would parents then be more motivated to raise a generation that is purpose-driven, creative, collaborative and well-rounded?
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about the way we are parenting our three kids. Would they one day feel short changed and blame us for not being kiasu enough? I don’t know; we can only go with our heart.
When we told our eldest’s preschool teacher we chose his primary school for its diverse student population, she frowned like we were doing this child a disservice. Most of his classmates were vying for places in two other popular schools in the vicinity.
We are relaxed about academics, not because our children are prodigies. In fact, to them, reading a Chinese book is about as appealing as walking on hot coals.
Rather, we do so with the hindsight of having been relatively decent students—I even attended a SAP school back in the day. But my husband and I who dutifully made our way through the system emerged as young adults without a clue as to what our passion or purpose was. Nor were we encouraged to explore vocations of interest. “Get a proper job!” was the order given.
I could understand our parents’ position. Having grown up seeing poverty in their midst, financial security was of utmost importance. I have been fortunate to grow up without hardship; and my upward mobility has accorded my offspring choices that I did not have before.
It is our hope that by giving them the space to daydream, monkey at the playground, mingle with people of all backgrounds and even the space to make mistakes, our children feel safe to be their truest self and can one day contribute to the world in any way they desire, with dignity and pride.