We Felt Like Failures After PSLE. We Hope Our Children Won’t
Decades later, Ava Gao and I are still haunted by our PSLE results
By Estelle Low -
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When Ava Gao received her PSLE results, she felt like a failure.
Her childhood had revolved around studying — constantly practising, completing work and being drilled, with little space to discover who she was beyond her grades.
So when she did not perform as well as she thought she should, the disappointment felt much bigger than one examination result.
“There was a huge sense of failure,” the mum of two shared during our conversation on Too Tired Mums.
“I wish someone had told me it was okay not to do as well, and that there were many pathways to success. I’m not defined by my PSLE score.”
Her words hit home because I remember feeling exactly the same way.
My parents did not pressure me. They knew I had expectations for myself. But when my results fell short of those expectations, I felt that I had failed myself.
My best friend had done extremely well and was headed to an elite school. At 12, I thought that was going to be the end of our friendship.
Since we were enrolled in vastly different schools (she was in an elite girls’ school while I was in a non-elite mixed school), it made sense that our paths would naturally diverge.
*News flash: We are still besties today!*
Another sickening thought I had was: Am I doomed? Is there still a future for me?
Looking back, it is heartbreaking that a child could believe one examination had already decided the rest of her life.
Yet many children may be carrying those same fears today.
Pressure does not always come from parents
As parents, we may think we are not putting too much pressure on our children.
We tell them to try their best. We do not punish them over their marks. We remind them to eat, sleep and take breaks.
But children absorb pressure from many places – when they hear classmates comparing scores, notice which schools adults admire, or see how much attention is given to academic achievement.
Some also place enormous expectations on themselves.
My parents did not need to tell me I had failed. I had already decided that on my own.
This is why “Just do your best” may not be enough.
Our children also need to know what happens when their best does not lead to the result they hoped for.
They need to hear that disappointment may hurt, but it will not destroy them. That entering a different school does not mean they are less intelligent or capable. That one score does not reflect their potential or future. It is not the end of the world.
Most importantly, they need to know that our belief in them will not change when we see their results.
PSLE matters, but it is not everything
Of course, it would be unrealistic to tell children that PSLE does not matter at all.
They have spent years preparing for it, and the results will shape their next step.
But something can matter without becoming the only thing that matters.
Through the years after receiving our own results, Ava and I have found different kinds of success in our lives. We grew up, discovered other strengths, built careers and families, and learnt that there are many ways forward that do not necessarily involve academic success.
Still, I wish we had not spent so long believing our scores said something about our worth.
What will our children remember?
As PSLE draws nearer, there will naturally be more revision, reminders and anxiety.
In the middle of it all, we need to ask ourselves: What do I want my child to remember about this period?
The pressure and fear of disappointing us?
Or that home remained a safe place, whatever happened?
If our children fall short of their expectations, we do not have to rush in with, “It doesn’t matter.”
We can say: “I know this mattered to you. I know you are disappointed. But this result does not change who you are or how proud I am of you.”
Ava and I cannot return to our 12-year-old selves and tell those frightened girls that their lives will turn out fine.
But we can tell our children now.
And this: PSLE is just one chapter of your life. It is not your whole story.
Watch the Too Tired Mums episode here.
Too Tired Mums is The Singapore Women’s Weekly’s original talk show series that gives motherhood its most honest voice — where real mums open up about the things we don’t always say out loud, reminding us that we’re never truly alone.
Host: Estelle Low
Guest: Ava Gao
Producer: Maya Eman
Art director: Michelle Lee
Videography, studio setup and editing: Studio+65
Makeup: Dorcas Yam, using Dior
Hairstyling: Pattama Phumriew, using Schwarzkopf Osis+