Relocating Or Trailing? What A Counsellor Wants You To Know

“Just think of it as an extended vacation!” “You’ll have so much free time now!” “Why don’t you join a club?” These well-meaning but misguided remarks often greet trailing spouses as they embark on the challenging journey of relocation. But for those leaving behind careers, friends, and familiar surroundings, the reality is often more complex.

Whether you're a family moving to Singapore or Singaporeans venturing abroad, relocation is a rollercoaster of emotions that affects both partners differently. Supporting a trailing partner goes far beyond suggesting hobbies or social clubs. To help families navigate this life-changing transition, build resilience and thrive in your new home, here are 14 practical tips.

Tips for families who are relocating

1. Agree on your why

Moving to a new country is a huge step. Before you pack your bags, take some time to sit down with your partner and really explore your motivations. What are you both hoping to achieve with this move? What are your dreams and goals, and how might this relocation help you achieve them?

Maybe you’re chasing career advancement, craving a new adventure, or wanting to give your children a different experience. Dig deep into those core values – things like authenticity, self actualisation, or family unity. How does this move help you live those values more fully? 

As a couple or a family, consider the ways you hope to grow and the adventures you will share. While there’s no right or wrong set of motivations, what matters is that you and your partner are on the same page. Identifying your core values and shared goals will anchor you during the ups and downs of your journey. 

2. Build the picture with how

After figuring out the why, dive into the how. Break down the relocation decision into manageable parts, instead of tackling it as a big yes-no question. Consider the preconditions for a successful move, such as living arrangements, finances, schooling, and other practicalities, and do thorough research to gauge feasibility. Reflect on how well you can honour the core values and goals you’ve uncovered — your answers will guide your decision. 

3. Ask the hard questions

It's also crucial to discuss contingencies and prepare for unexpected challenges. Asking tough questions now can protect your family and ease pre-move jitters. Consider these:

• What if one of us gets sick?
• What if the job doesn’t work out?
• What if we encounter marital problems?
• What if our child is diagnosed with special needs?
• What if our child struggles to adapt to the school system?
• What if we wish to move back home for a loved one?

Making contingency plans can be an emotional exercise, but it’s better to have those conversations early and build resilience as a family.

4. It’s okay to grieve

You’ve arrived in your new home, unpacked the boxes, but there’s still something heavy lingering. It’s grief. Recognise that you aren’t just changing an address, you’re leaving behind familiar lives, or maybe the only lives you’ve ever known. Even when the move is exciting and desired, it’s natural and healthy to feel a sense of loss.

Maybe you miss your career, your friends, your favourite cafe. Maybe your partner is struggling with the loss of their support network or familiar routines. Allow yourselves the space to experience these feelings. Remember, it’s possible to feel excited for the future and sad for what you’ve left behind. By acknowledging this grief, you can process it more effectively and move forward with greater emotional readiness. 

5. Listen to yourself and your partner

Open communication and active listening are so crucial when building a new life together in a foreign place. Pay attention to yourself. Notice your own signs of feeling overwhelmed — that’s a crucial first step before you can even articulate those feelings to your partner.

Be open to good communication and don’t lose sight of each other’s experiences. Being a supportive listener means receiving what the other has to say without judgement or immediately trying to fix things. This creates a safe space where both partners can share freely, whether they’ve had a good or bad day, knowing you’re in this together. 

6. Embrace new identities and roles

Relocation often triggers a transformation of identity, especially for trailing spouses. Be patient and supportive as you and your partner rediscover yourselves in this new environment. You might find new passions, new talents, or even a whole new side to your personality. As life paths — and careers — aren’t always linear, your partner may discover fulfilment in volunteering, learning a new language, or pursuing a new hobby like photography. While it can be scary, it can also be incredibly freeing to live differently from how you used to.

This is also a time when family roles might shift. If one partner is busy settling into a new job, the trailing spouse might become the default parent. Have frequent check-ins with your partner to ensure they’re comfortable with their current role. Don’t assume that because one partner works all day, the other should handle all childcare. Make sure you both feel supported and valued, regardless of who’s bringing home the bacon.

7. Don’t forgo date nights

As you adjust to your new life, it’s easy to get swept up in the busyness. But connecting with your partner is more important than ever. Make time to explore your new home together. If one partner works long hours while the other has a different schedule, you might experience two very different versions of your new country. Plan dates where you share new experiences, whether it’s taking cooking classes or hiking together. This will help you bond and create fresh memories in your new home.

8. Live your values

Moving to a new country can throw you off balance. It’s easy to feel lost and unsure of yourself. In those moments, remember your core values and bigger life goals. What makes you feel alive and fulfilled? What kind of person do you want to be? Let those values guide your decisions and actions as you navigate your new life.

Use this opportunity to deepen your understanding of your values and how they apply in different contexts. Maybe you value adventure and novel experiences. Or perhaps you prioritise family and close relationships. Whatever your values, hold onto them. They’ll be your anchor in the midst of change. 

9. Expand your circles

In your new country, you might need to adjust your expectations of friendships. Don’t put pressure on yourself to find one perfect group right away. Instead, try meeting your social needs through various connections.

Join a local mum’s group, sign up for a language class or check out expat communities, like Internations or the Singapore Global Network (SGN). You might even find neighbourhood-based groups on Facebook or WhatsApp, where you can connect with other parents or people with shared interests. For trailing husbands, there are support groups, such as Singapore Overbooked Men’s Association and ANZA’s Secret Men’s Business. The beauty of it is, you can create a support network that truly meets your needs.

And don’t be afraid to step outside the expat bubble. Connecting with locals can offer a richer cultural experience and a deeper understanding of your new home. 

10. Be open and curious 

Stepping outside your comfort zone and immersing yourself in diverse cultures can be an amazing way to grow and learn about yourself. Embrace the new and experience life from a different perspective.

There will be times when you feel out of your depth or miss the comfort of home. That’s normal. But instead of resisting the unfamiliar, try approaching it with curiosity to nurture openness and flexibility. Instead of thinking, “I don’t like this change”, ask yourself, “I wonder what this feeling is about?” Consider making changes in small doses, or soothing yourself with familiar comforts before venturing out.  

11. Go easy on yourself

Relocating to a new country is a big deal. Even if you’re excited about the move, your brain can struggle with the shift from “autopilot mode” and dealing with uncertainty, potentially causing anxiety. You might experience culture shock in unexpected ways, such as dealing with different healthcare systems or work-life balance norms.

As a side effect of feeling isolated and people not knowing you well, your headspace could become an echo chamber for self-judgement. Go easy on yourself when things feel rough or when your social battery is running low. Treat yourself with the same compassion and understanding you would offer a friend.

12. Share your life with folks back home

Staying connected with loved ones back home is essential for most expats. While some struggle with how much to share, it’s important to strike a balance. Don’t be afraid to share both the highs and lows of your experience. Let your family and friends back home see the real you, and show your day-to-day life. This openness can help maintain strong connections and prevent even lifelong friendships from drifting apart. Even a quick video chat or voice message can make a world of difference.

13. Guard your mental and emotional wellbeing

Relocation is a significant challenge that demands a great deal of emotional and mental energy. As you navigate the unknown, be patient with yourself and watch out for signs that you or your partner are struggling to cope. Beyond sadness, restlessness, sleep problems, and excessive worrying, be aware of less obvious signs like increased irritability, anger, resentment or use of unhealthy coping mechanisms such as excessive smoking, drinking, video-gaming, or shopping.

Sometimes, it’s hard to tell if someone is struggling, as depression can manifest as harsh self-judgement. They might blame themselves for not being stronger and overcompensate by putting up a brave front. If you notice something’s not quite right, trust your instincts and don’t hesitate to reach out and offer support. If you find yourself wondering whether to seek help, it’s a sign that you should.

14. Keep at it

Relocation is a journey, not a destination. Expatriation often requires upgrading your communication skills and relationship strengths to face challenges ahead. Consider taking a proactive approach — for many, couples counselling before and during the process can be highly beneficial. 

Keep those lines of communication open with your partner. Embrace the changes that come your way. With the right mindset and some effort, you can turn the challenges of relocation into stepping stones for a fulfilling and exciting new chapter in your lives. 

Remember, you're not alone on this journey. There are communities and support networks ready to welcome you with open arms. So take a deep breath, step out of your comfort zone, and embrace the adventure that awaits. You’ve got this.

Linda Van Laer is a registered counsellor at Alliance Counselling who has helped clients work through life changes and challenges such as anxiety, depression, or trauma. Originally from the Netherlands, Linda has lived in Singapore for over 20 years.