Being A SAHM Is A Full-Time Job That Should Be Respected

I have been a stay-at-home mum (SAHM) for over 14 years. It's a job that I chose when I gave birth to my firstborn and I've stayed on this path ever since. It's a job that I am privileged to take up because I have the support of my loved ones. It's also a job that is often misunderstood as not many people are able to see the demands, difficulties and stress of it. 

Throughout these years, every time I tell someone that I am a full-time SAHM, the reactions are usually as such:

"Oh, so you are unemployed."

"That means you have a lot of free time to idle."

"You should go look for a real job."

"I never expected you to sacrifice your career for kids."

"So you don't work? Isn't that a waste of your education?"

They were not just coming from strangers and acquaintances; even some of my good friends thought this way too and would give me their two cents' worth. At first, I tried explaining myself in an attempt to dispel these misunderstood concepts, despite knowing that it would be nearly impossible. 

At some point, these comments got to me and I started to question my self-worth and whether this was the path I wanted for the rest of my life. It did not help that the kids drove me up the wall, caused me to pull out my hair or brought me to the brink of tears every so often.

Thankfully, I did not waver from my initial decision and went on to have my second, third and fourth kid while staying loyal to this role. From time to time, I still ponder about what my life would look like if I had taken another path. But being able to raise my kids on my own and witness every single one of their milestones, I definitely would not have it any other way.

Why I chose to be a SAHM

For most SAHMs, the decision to become one stems from wanting to spend more time with our kids, to discipline and raise them ourselves, to build a strong mother-and-child bond from a tender age, to be present for their milestones and cherish the fleeting growing up years.

It's not easy giving up a dual-income lifestyle to be a SAHM who has zero income, no bonus, no paid leave and no sick leave. In the first place, in order to embark on this journey, you need to have a supportive husband who is willing to become the sole breadwinner so you can focus on being a caregiver to the kids.

In my case, it was precisely because of my husband that I became a SAHM. Shortly after our wedding, I followed him to Sweden when he was posted there for naval training. In the first year, I upgraded myself by getting an MBA degree, taking Japanese and Swedish classes, and giving weekly Chinese lessons to kids. Then I gave birth to my daughter and became a SAHM, just like the rest of the Singaporean wives who were there with me. 

Since we couldn't speak Swedish fluently or find a proper job, we dedicated ourselves to our kids and our families. In that part of the world, at least within our community, there was no such thing as confinement ladies, nannies, babysitters, helpers or part-time cleaners. Everything we did, we did on our own. We were forced to become strong, independent mums who could hold the fort at home while our hubbies braved the storms and protected the seas.

Upon returning to Singapore after four long years, I was in my third trimester with my second-born. There was no way I was going to give up looking after her in order to return to the workplace. In a sense, fate brought me onto this path. I have to confess that being SAHM was not an ambition of mine as a kid. However, I reaped the rewards of this job, witnessed my kids growing up day by day and I am blessed to have done this full-time for over a decade, with many more years to come. 

My education was not for nothing

It doesn't mean that my degrees were wasted or that my hefty university fees were squandered just because I chose to be a SAHM. For one, I took a CPF education loan when I was doing communication studies in NTU and repaid it when I got a job upon graduation. My MBA degree in Sweden was fully subsidised, which was why I had to make use of the opportunity to upgrade myself. 

For now, none of my kids attend tuition class. I take it upon myself to mentor and guide them in their academic journey from preschool all the way to secondary school. I believe in different strokes for different folks. There is no one right way of doing things. However, this is what works for us and I’d like to believe that my education has been put to good use over the years.

Becoming a SAHM is a personal choice. For those of us who chose it, it doesn’t mean we are unwise, uneducated or unambitious. For me, I just know that it is something I want to do while my kids still need me, or I would live to regret it. 

We deserve the same respect

I totally respect full-time working mums who hold a nine-to-five job and come home to fulfill their parental duties. It is amazing how they juggle their multiple responsibilities and I can only imagine the exhaustion. Part-time working mums and work-from-home mums deserve the same amount of respect too because they are all working hard to support the home while still caring for the family.

That said, being a SAHM is not something to be belittled because we work nearly 24/7 and trust me when I say I hardly take a break or enjoy any me-time. I don't get paid, I don't ask for a day off and I even work when I am sick because with no other help in the house, my kids just need me.  

The only time I relax is when the house is quiet and the kids are all in bed. But even then, I would be thinking of my to-do list, which is usually quite a long one, for the next day - yes, our minds hardly take a break.

I did a television interview some years ago and the topic was “What is the worth of a SAHM?”. The crew followed me around for a whole day as I went about doing my job. It helped shine the light on how stay-at-home parents wear multiple hats and take on the roles of being the chef, cleaner, chauffeur, nurse, teacher, accountant, laundry attendant, and housekeeper all at once.

According to Salary.com in its 2021 annual Mom Salary Survey, if being a SAHM was a profession, her annual salary would be about S$254,460. The same survey states that SAHMs work an average of 106 hours per week, which works out to over 15 hours a day, seven days a week. Contrary to what people think when they say I must be idling at home, being a SAHM is a truly challenging and arduous job. We deserve to be respected, not looked down upon.

Holding my head up high

The next time I am asked about my occupation, I will say that I am a SAHM with confidence, pride and joy. Yes, it’s a job that I hold dear and I am going to keep working hard as I contribute to building the most basic unit of society - family. I might not have an income per se but my rewards come in intangible forms, like hugs, kisses, quality time and close-knit bonds – and they are priceless.

If you are a fellow SAHM too, here is a pat on the back. Please know that no matter how tough the going gets, we are in this together and you are never alone.

Summer Goh is a stay-at-home mum of four who loves eating chocolates, and sees the cup as half-full in life. She shares her life snippets as well as the ups and downs of parenting at www.ahappymum.com and @ahappymum.