Top 3 Reasons For Sibling Rivalry And What You Can Do About It

The last thing you need after a long day’s work is the kids fighting over a small toy and having to be the referee for such a seemingly trivial issue. Unfortunately, sibling rivalry is part and parcel of the parenting journey. These fights are not just the occasional annoyance; they can also trigger parental guilt - “Maybe I’m not giving enough attention to my children.”

Ava Gao, motherhood and parenting coach from ‘The Curious Mama’ helps shed some light on why sibling rivalry happens and shares ways parents can manage those frustrating situations better. With professional experience grounded in areas including neuroscience and mindfulness and motherhood sociology, Ava hopes she can provide mothers with a safe space in which they navigate the multitude of challenges that come along with parenting and motherhood. 

3 reasons siblings fight 

1. Your children are seeking individuality

In our kids’ journey of growth and self-discovery, they are also exploring their own identities. They learn that they can express their likes and dislikes, and what they agree or disagree with. Interactions with siblings are perfect times for them to learn how to negotiate with others. And while exerting these very differences in opinions and perspectives, the clashes happen.

1. They are competing for resources

Toys, books and what-nots - there can never be an end to the things our kids claim ownership over, can there? Somehow, a toy looks more attractive in the hands of a sibling. While children can enjoy playing together, the idea of turn-taking and gracious sharing can take some time to develop, particularly if they deem their playmate a competitor. 

1. They are craving connection 

It can also be the connection time with parents or caregivers that some kids crave that leads to squabbling. Once a parent seems to shower more attention on one kid over another, the other sibling may start acting up. 

What parents can do during a quarrel 

1. Know when to intercept 

You may feel tempted to jump straight into a heated quarrel and make it stop. As long as the siblings don’t fight anymore, it will be fine, right? 

It may help to take a short pause before you respond, if both children are physically safe.

Try to listen to what they are saying. Are both of them able to communicate their own needs, feelings and thoughts clearly? Are both of them showing that they are listening to the other’s needs, feelings and thoughts? 

Then, think about whether you really need to step in to try to help either or both kids translate their intentions in clearer language. A hands-off approach can help your children develop negotiation skills, empathy and independent conflict resolution abilities, which are crucial skills for all aspects of life.

1. ‘Unlock’ kids’ positions in family

Some parents may tend to expect the eldest child to give in to his or her younger siblings and be a good role model. As such, it may seem that your first baby has to ‘behave better’ or ‘sacrifice’ for the benefit of others. 

Unlocking your kids from their positions in the family can help manage these expectations. Focusing on the issue and ways to resolve it is healthier than setting certain expectations for each child. This will go a long way towards building healthy sibling relationships.

1. Give each child air time 

The  golden opportunity for parents to help mend the sibling relationship is after the fight stops. It helps for you to reach out to each child individually to understand the situation from different perspectives.

Give your child time to air his or her feelings and thoughts and avoid demanding instant apologies from anyone. Instead, you may remind them of certain values or manners that you wish to inculcate in your offspring so they can strive to do better the next time. For instance, teach the younger child ways to ask for a toy politely from the older sibling, or to wait patiently for his or her turn. 

1. Avoid comparing 

Children behave differently because everyone has a unique personality. Resist the urge to compare and point out which sibling is behaving better - this will only contribute to resentment between the slblings. Instead, describe to your kids what you see, how you feel about it, and what needs to be done. 

1. Acknowledge feelings 

Put into words what you think your kids are feeling. Avoid being dismissive. For example, your child may say, “She always takes my toy away.” Instead of saying “No, you have to share”, how about “You don’t like her playing with your toy.”

Seize this opportunity to share with your kid ways to express their disagreement or dislikes. It is about sharing with your kids that it is okay to feel angry or frustrated, but that those feelings can be discharged safely. This can be done without having to exert physical force on anyone or having to yell. 

What else you can do

Celebrate each kid 

Ava shares that children do not need to be treated equally; rather, they need to be treated uniquely. Let’s dispel the notion that you need to spend an ‘equal’ amount of time with each child. Instead, learn about the best ways to love each child according to his or her individual needs. 

Whenever possible, steal pockets of time to spend some alone time with each child. The personalised connection between parent and child can allow for better attachment and security. This can lead to more positive sibling relationships as the emotional tank of each child is filled up. They can then treat their siblings more respectfully, and hopefully, resolve conflicts better. 

Allow for individual space 

Give the children space to spend time on their own. There is not a need for the children to be together all the time. One way is to encourage the kids to choose to do their individual favourite activities on their own after a long day.

Promote a culture of appreciation in the family

Find opportunities for siblings to express their gratitude or show admiration to one another. Simple phrases like “Thank you for helping me find my toy” fosters appreciation and thankfulness, and the ‘helper’ feels valued for his or her contribution.