The Struggles Of Social Infertility — It's Not About 'Choice' For Many Women

Not every woman who wants children will have them. Some will not be able to have them because of biological reasons or issues with their reproductive system, while others will experience infertility (due to various factors) and won't be able to conceive. There are also women who find that they're ready to have children but aren't able to do so because they don't have a partner. This is known as social infertility.

More women find themselves in this situation today because we're generally waiting longer to have children, as we concentrate on establishing our careers. Finding a partner and getting hitched isn't a priority until we're in our 30s – or even mid-30s or later for some of us.

Hence, when we get to the age where our declining fertility is something we're getting concerned about – or at least always in the back of our minds – having children could become a priority for some of us. The fact that elective egg freezing is permitted in Singapore for women aged 21 to 37 since June 2023 makes it a viable option while we wait for the right man to come along, However, this doesn't always have a fairytale ending.

When Audrey Ottevanger was 32, she had conversations with a close male friend about egg freezing. She was “single then, chasing my career, in and out of relationships, thinking the right partner would come along soon”. Therefore, freezing her eggs was the last thing on her mind. It was also expensive as she couldn't do it in Singapore then so it was too much hassle. 

“I honestly thought I would be married and have kids soon so why go through the trouble. My friend continued to bug me about it for many years,” she adds. 

Still single at age 40 and having a better understanding of how her body was aging, Audrey started researching egg freezing and spoke to her gynaecologist about it. 

“I had a group of single girlfriends who were also interested to do the same so I took the lead,” says the now 50-year-old start-up co-founder. “I had a lot more disposable income, a supportive boss and friends and wanted to give myself the option to possibly have kids when I do find the right partner, even though I knew that freezing 40-year-old eggs was not ideal.”

“Having kids is just not meant to be”

“Having kids is just not meant to be”

Audrey went through the egg-freezing process in Malaysia as it was the closest to Singapore and her gynae had experience with fertility clinics there. She also had a support network in Kuala Lumpur, including her parents.

“I don't think my parents really understood what I was going through and why, but they supported me regardless,” she says. “My friends were extremely supportive and my girlfriends who were interested used my research and followed in my footsteps.” 

Audrey describes the egg-freezing journey as “a lonely one for a single woman”. “Going to the gynae alone multiple times, looking at babies there, gave me hope but also sadness. The puncture marks from the injections were tiring, the financial aspect was a worry but I knew that I was doing this for myself and no one else.”

While she can't recall the exact amount she spent as it was in 2015, she thinks it was between SGD6-7k per cycle. 

Audrey met her now husband when she was 46 and he was 48. She told him very early on about her eggs in storage and how she wanted to try to have kids. 

“We got married when I was 48 and used the eggs, which were transported during COVID from KL to Singapore,” she explains. “I knew it was a long shot and that the probability was low, but since I had the eggs, I needed to try. It would be our one and only shot.”

After insemination, the couple had two viable embryos, one of which made it till 10 weeks. Audrey describes her miscarriage as “devastating and it broke my heart”. They felt that they were too old to try again and looked into adoption but the process didn't go far. 

Audrey still wishes she had children as most of her friends have kids and “it would have been really nice to experience that together”.  

“I have accepted that having kids is just not meant to be for us so we have a puppy now and all my energy goes into her,” she adds. 

Making the decision to freeze your eggs 

Ravina* seriously considered freezing her eggs when she was 33, after a friend told her that she had done it. Two years later, her father was on board too so she went to see a fertility specialist in Melbourne, where she lives.

The 37-year-old policy manager was single when she signed up for egg freezing and didn't feel emotional about her decision as she knew she was doing this for her future. However, things soon changed. 

“By the time I started the actual process, I had been in a relationship with a man for almost a year and he wanted to have kids with me,” she shares. “So I had to have some hard conversations with myself (and him) as to what I actually wanted. Turns out, it wasn’t kids with him.

“Paying AUD21k to freeze my eggs seemed a bit silly if I didn’t want to have kids with the man I was with. The hormones as well led to heightened emotions at the time, which led to some unnecessary drama in the relationship,” she adds. 

Since then, Ravina has grappled with a range of emotional questions such as why she froze her eggs, would she be young enough to use them when she needs to and what happens if she can't get pregnant. She has no plans at the moment for whether she'll end up using her frozen eggs as she's having surgery in May to remove a large fibroid from her uterus “and there's no man in sight”. 

“I'm taking things as they come,” she says. “I feel like I'll be in a better position to make a decision post-surgery as, if my entire uterus comes out, I’ll have limited options.”

Embarking on a lonely journey 

Tina Padia, an accredited life coach and fertility coach, has worked with women in Singapore in the middle of their egg-freezing journey, either because they haven't found the right partner yet or because they have fertility challenges. 

“Before I started working with these ladies, it was really hard for me to understand what they were experiencing emotionally and mentally, but now I realise that the emotions are so similar to those women going through fertility treatment with their partners,” she explains. 

“These women feel scared, are highly stressed and anxious. Plus, the uncertainty of their future and chances of having a baby, coupled with the added pressure of trying to find the right partner to start a family with is soul destroying,” she adds.

Tina says that, as more and more organisations talk about women’s fertility, social infertility and the impact of age and other lifestyle factors, single women are really feeling the pressure and find themselves in this place where they feel like they need to take matters into their own hands and control as much as they can around their chances of having a family one day.

Also, the decision to empower themselves to take control of their fertility journey and try and preserve and freeze their eggs creates overwhelming feelings of doubt – as they start to question themselves whether they are doing the right thing or making the right choices, with no partner to confide in or look to for support, compassion and empathy. 

“It’s a really, really lonely journey,” she says. “Some of these women are ready to be mums but they just haven’t found the right partner to share that dream with – this also creates mental anguish and huge amounts of stress. There are so many uncertainties which creates a sense of loss of control and intense anxiety.”

The emotional impact of social infertility

As mentioned, the experience of social infertility can be a lonely one. It also doesn't help that society in general sees it as more of a 'choice' than a situation many women have no control over. Audrey agrees that it is seen as a choice the woman is making, that is, not being in a relationship or putting her career ahead or prioritising independence until it's too late.

She advises other women going through social infertility to “give yourself the option”.

“There is a famous quote  – 'Life is a matter of choices, and every choice you make makes you',” she says. “I have no regrets going through what I did even though it wasn't successful. I made the choice, took the option when I found the right person and went through the process and for that short moment had hope and imagined what it would be like to have a family. I am grateful for that.”

Ravina has spoken with women who agree that women who experience social infertility are treated differently than women who have tried and can't have kids. 

“I’ve talked to two women in their 50s and 60s who I trust, who have experienced social infertility; they both described the experience as always being treated as ‘other’,” she says. “I imagine that perception would be the same now but I think it's easier for me, given changing social expectations and the increasing cohort of women who experience social infertility.”

Ravina advises women in a similar scenario to see a therapist, talk to other women who have also experienced social infertility and expand your social circle to include more people who don't want children. 

If you're embarking on an egg-freezing journey, Tina says this choice is only yours to make: “You don’t have to answer to other people’s questions or doubt yourself if this is something that you think is right for you during this chapter of your life. If you want to openly share your journey with family and friends that is also a choice that only you can make.”

It's also important to understand and plan for the emotional journey you're about to embark on as this often gets neglected. You may find yourself constantly comparing your journey to others – comparing egg numbers, cycle outcomes and more. Tina says it's so important to remind yourself that your journey is your story. So spend time and energy focusing on you, doing things to nourish your mind, body and soul.

“It's so hard to go through this journey alone and it's not a sign of weakness or your ability to cope if you reach out and find help. Speak to an accredited and certified coach, therapist or counsellor so that you can work on your mental well-being and have the tools to process the overwhelm, disappointment, heartache and loneliness on your unique path to motherhood,” Tina advises.

“Define what family and parenthood mean to you based on your values and aspirations, rather than societal expectations and pressures,” she adds. “Remain hopeful about the future and the possibilities that lie ahead. Life can bring unexpected opportunities and changes.”

*not her real name

This article was originally published on Her World.