I Quit Breastfeeding Two Weeks Postpartum – Hear Me Out

After carrying my precious baby girl for 38 weeks, I eagerly anticipated her birth as a first-time mother. I told myself it would be one of the happiest, most beautiful times of my life.

So I didn’t expect to have a mental breakdown just two days after giving birth — sobbing uncontrollably in my hospital bed late one evening. I was thoroughly exhausted, averaging just two hours of sleep per night. Eventually, my husband had to wheel me out of the maternity ward for some fresh air, while our newborn daughter was cared for in the nursery.

One major reason for my sleep deprivation was the pressure to latch my baby every two to three hours. The hospital staff would wake me up to breastfeed, but my baby struggled to latch and often didn’t feed much at all.

Worse still, I became anxious about falling asleep, knowing I’d be woken up shortly to try again. As someone who already suffers from chronic insomnia, I spiraled into what felt like “anticipatory insomnia” — the harder I tried to sleep, the more wired I became.

By the end of our three-night hospital stay, doctors recommended supplementing with formula, as my daughter was at risk of dropping below her birth weight. I didn’t want that to happen, so once we got home, my husband and I started syringe-feeding her formula.

That night, I faced a tough choice: should I wake up every few hours to breastfeed, or let my husband take over so I could finally catch up on sleep? I felt incredibly guilty — but I also knew I couldn’t keep going on like a zombie. So I handed the night shift over to him.

During the day, I still attempted to latch, but it was incredibly difficult. My baby would cry at the breast and feed very slowly. One session lasted 1.5 hours on just my right side. For some reason, my little princess didn’t take to my left breast very well.

When our confinement nanny arrived five days postpartum, we started bottle feeding with her help, as our daughter showed more interest in drinking. At that point, my milk supply hadn’t fully come in, but there would be small amounts of milk each time I squeezed my nipple. 

That’s when I had to make a decision: Should I commit to breastfeeding and begin pumping regularly to stimulate supply? Or stop cold turkey?

I was scared of what a full milk supply might bring. Friends had told me horror stories of painful engorgement, clogged ducts and mastitis. I also knew that pumping would mean waking up in the middle of the night to express milk. This would be unsustainable for someone like me, who has battled chronic insomnia for over 10 years.

After contemplating this for two weeks (and experiencing poor latching sessions each day), I made the difficult decision to exclusively formula feed my daughter. I told my postnatal masseuse not to massage my breast to stimulate lactation, and I never even used the breast pump I had prepared.

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel guilty. Some of my mum friends breastfed for two to three months before stopping. Others continued past the one-year mark. Was I a failure for stopping after just two weeks? After all, the common medical consensus is that breast is best right? 

Though I wrestled with my choice, I’ve made peace with it and decided it was best for my mental and physical well-being. Formula feeding meant my husband and nanny could help with night feeds, allowing me to get more uninterrupted rest, even if I still experienced insomnia wake-ups.

Formula feeding gave me the space to heal and recover. And more than that, it allowed me to return to work. Just two months postpartum, I joined a four-day media trip to review the launch of a cruise ship. As a freelance writer and actress, my income depends on gigs. Formula feeding freed me from the rigid schedule of pumping. I can now attend media events and take up acting gigs without worrying about pumping, especially now that my baby is in infant care during the day.

It’s also been heartening to see friends and family bond with my baby through bottle feeding. She’s thriving on formula — growing well, feeding well and pooping well. She’s my chubby, happy little girl! 

I’m not here to bash breastfeeding, knowing that it has many wonderful benefits. But I’m here to say that it’s okay to make the choice that works for you. Ultimately, I’m sharing my story because I believe that mothers should prioritise their well-being. If you’re struggling with sleep or mental health, it’s not selfish to protect your sanity. 

Whether you breastfeed, formula feed, or do both — you are doing a great job. Once I fully embraced this truth, I felt confident that I was being the best mother I could be to my baby. 

Rebecca Wong is a freelance writer, actress and new mum to a 3-month-old baby daughter. She still can’t get over the fact that she squeezed a tiny human out of her body. Connect with her @rebeccarachelwong.