Dads Share How To Support Your Pregnant Wife & What Not To Say
Hear it from the men who've been there and done that
By Michelle Lee & Gwyneth Goh -
Pregnancy is an exciting time but it's also tough to be a pregnant woman. Your back aches, you're gassy and nauseous, your ankles swell, you're running to the bathroom multiple times a day, and your hormones are giving you both crazy mood swings and major cravings. During this time, it's safe to say that the support of your husband is incredibly important in relieving the anxiety and stress that comes with the physical and mental load of bringing a mini human being into the world.
The Weekly gets seven dads to share how men can contribute when their wives are expecting — and how it's really not the best idea (not that it's ever a good idea) to crack a joke about the way she looks.
How men can support their pregnant wives:
The common joke is that the woman does all the heavy lifting during pregnancy while the man just contributes his genetic material. While that may be true biologically, your role as the dad half of this parenting duo is to look out for mum’s physical and mental welfare.
Your wife isn’t really herself at the moment – she’s somewhere in there but the hormones are in the driver’s seat. So she may suddenly feel like reorganising the kitchen cabinet at 2am, or ask you to take out that old box sitting in the deep end of the storeroom. Try to accommodate these things.
Also, she will likely be feeling a lot warmer due to her raised body temperature, so let her have all the aircon she wants. A cooler home may lighten your wallet at the end of the month, but it will lighten her mood a lot more. Everything is cool if she’s cool.
What not to say:
Don’t say “ I have too much work.” It communicates that your work is more important than her. Don’t say that you’re tired even when you are, because she’s probably way more tired than you are. And don’t ever say “You’re making a big fuss out of nothing” unless you’re ready for World War 3.
- Darren Tan, father of one
How men can support their pregnant wives:
When my wife Claudia was pregnant, I was extra mindful about supporting her and ensuring her overall well-being (physical, mental and emotional). As much as I could, I did my best to cook her nutritious meals, to check in with her while she was at work, and to spend lots of quality one-on-one time together. I also accompanied her for all of the doctor’s appointments and took over all her house chores.
What not to say:
I think we probably all know what we shouldn’t say, but maybe go one step further and be her defender. When others mentioned her weight gain (??!), I would usually deflect by drawing attention to my own “forever 8-month (food baby)” belly. This was my way of trying to protect her emotions during that vulnerable time.
- Andy Seo, father of one
How men can support their pregnant wives:
Help manage things around the house or just take over them if you can. I did the groceries, scheduled our dinners and did the dishes (most of the time) so that my wife didn't have to worry about it.
Also just be supportive of any breakdowns or worries (however odd) they might be. My wife burst into tears worrying our hypothetical son would be short like her when she was pregnant with our first (daughter). The hormones are very real.
What not to say:
"I didn't realise you were going to be so tired" was probably not the best thing to say to my wife when she was pregnant with our second child. Running after a very clingy young toddler and growing another human is hard work.
- Chris McDaid, father of two
How men can support their pregnant wives:
Offer massages, especially when those calf muscles are threatening to cramp every night. Carry everything you can possibly carry for her. In other words, become her manual labourer before she has to go into labour.
Also, be proactive about foraging for supper – ask if she’d like you to get her any food in particular (every night); don’t wait until she’s hangry. Tell her she looks beautiful and that you love her. Reassure her about life – that everything is going to be fine, that you’ll always have enough to provide for your kids, that you’re going to have a beautiful, healthy and happy family together!
What not to say:
“You’re fat.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Wow, you’ve really let yourself go.”
“Stop complaining about being nauseous, it’s really annoying.”
“Pregnancy is not that hard, just suck it up.”
“Stop acting like a crazy person.”
These are obviously the things you DON’T say, even if you have the audacity to think them.
- Darren Toh, father of three
How men can support their pregnant wives:
Guys, get ready for frustration, fiery tempers, and a fair bit of crying. And that's just you. She'll also be angry and torpid, hungry and sad, happy and a little bit scary... and quite often, she'll be all these things simultaneously. As a coping mechanism, I just kept reminding myself that whatever curious food craving she has at 2am on a Tuesday night, I get to eat all that for supper too.
What not to say:
Don't jokingly ask: "How far apart are they?!" just because you've heard it on TV countless times; especially if you don't really know what it means. It's funny in a sitcom — not so funny in her third trimester.
- Raymond Goh, father of one
How men can support their pregnant wives:
1. Especially towards the end of the pregnancy, help support your wife physically as she will definitely have trouble moving about or getting out of bed. You may even have to help dress her, including wearing her pants and socks.
2. It's very important to support your wife's mental health, and to always keep communications open.
3. Feed your wife well but make sure she's not going overboard as she will become overweight!
What not to say:
Never tell her she's fat or ugly (even if hormones have taken over her face). And don't joke about her appearance. I coined her cankles "bonkles" (from "bo ankles", meaning no ankles in Hokkien) when her ankles swelled, and it didn't sit well.
- Nic Goh, father of three
How men can support their pregnant wives:
Be mindful of what she’s going through — the discomfort she’s feeling, her worries and fears about what’s going to happen, childbirth, breastfeeding and whether she will be a good mom, etc… Basically the same worries you may have as a father. So don’t trivialise anything she says. Support her by looking at the positive. And watch your thoughts. If you have nothing helpful to say, keep quiet!
What not to say:
“Wah, your appetite is solid ah.”
“Wah, you're eating for twins/triplets.”
“Why are you so sensitive?”
“How will you lose all this weight?”
“Don’t worry, all this will be over before you/we know it.”
“Don’t worry/think/eat so much.”
“Everything is about you and the baby, what about me?”
“Who’s going to do all the housework?”
“Are we ready to be parents? Will we be good parents?”
Keep your doubts and reservations to yourself. Wishful or wistful thinking isn't useful. Any sort of thinking is not useful unless it’s to make her more comfortable and to better prepare her mentally and emotionally.
- Alastair Tan, father of five
This article was first published on October 29, 2021. It was last updated on June 27, 2024.