Most Tactless Things That Doctors Have Told Pregnant Women

Pregnancy is the only way a human can create another life with our bodies. It is undoubtedly a magical time as a mother-to-be experiences changes unique to her. Yet, the reality of pregnancy is often fraught with self-doubt and questions as you want to be your best for your babies, even more so if it is the first child you are carrying. As such, mums and dads turn to obstetricians and gynaecologists (OBGYN) for medical advice and answers to allay our fears and anxieties.

This is why it becomes unfortunate and harrowing when pregnant ladies encounter a tone-deaf doctor. While he or she might have good intentions with their comments, the tactlessness still hits a raw nerve when pregnant women are already more sensitive and hormonal.

We got six women to share the most tactless things that their OBGYN had told them when they were pregnant, reflect on how and why they felt that way, and share things they might have done differently in hindsight when faced with the situation. And remember, if you are ever faced with questionable bedside manners, don't be afraid to take your business elsewhere like some of these interviewees have done.

"Huh, you're so early, ah?"

"When I was pregnant with my first child last year, we went to this gynaecologist who was very famous in Singapore. The first thing he said to me was "Huh, you're so early, ah? I probably cannot see anything at all." He scheduled another appointment for a week later and said, "I thought I saw you last week. Why did you come today?"

He later told us that I might not have a viable egg sac and might have a miscarriage. Yet, he spoke directly to my husband instead of me. The experience with this famous doctor made me feel angry and invalidated - I was the one carrying the baby, but I wasn't the one he spoke to. Needless to say, we changed doctor immediately after completing the blood tests to confirm the viability of my pregnancy."

Alexandra, 29

"It's normal."

"I was five months pregnant and was still vomiting very badly. I puked up to three to five bags every night and vomited even blood a few times. My heartburn was so severe that it lasted all the way until I gave birth.

I went to a public hospital and got a regular doctor. I told them that I was vomiting a lot and was concerned about a possible miscarriage. She just brushed it off saying that "it was normal". A week later, I went back to see another doctor at the same hospital, also for vomiting and also got the 'it's normal' reply. I was only prescribed diclectin but that didn't stop my nausea.

I really didn't like that they kept saying my situation was 'normal' and 'common' when my physical body was weak. Their responses lacked warmth, and I didn't feel like I was taken seriously about my vomiting issue. My husband even asked if I wanted an abortion because he saw how much pain and difficulty I was going through. The strange part of this was that it was not the same doctor who gave me the same response. The two or three doctors I consulted with felt like they didn't enjoy their job."

Serene, 36

"You're in pain, but you can still talk."

"I wanted an all-natural no-painkiller birth and the doctor knew too. When the midwives kept asking me if I wanted an epidural, I resisted for about six hours. At the four-hour mark of being admitted, I was sitll only 4cm dilated. The ob-gyn (who is very reputable) said that some people remained that way for weeks. That broke me mentally and I asked for an epidural two hours later. She later brushed off my pain and said, 'You're in pain, but you can still talk', which really made me wonder if my pain threshold was too low.

Despite the harsh comment, we stuck with the doctor when I was with my second child as she dealt with the delivery process assuringly. However, because of the doctor's comment, I bore with the pain for too long for my second birth and arrived at the hospital 9cm dilated. The labour process was significantly shorter and I could have given birth at home if I had delayed things and continued to deny the discomfort."

Beth, 31

"I will go out of business if my patients are like you."

“When I first found out I was pregnant with my first child, I went to an OB who has his own clinic at one of the popular maternity hospitals. My hubby and I had questions about what to expect since that was our first pregnancy. We had normal questions on exercise, diet and other matters, but we didn’t get very far with the questions because he obviously was very impatient to move on to the next patient. He told me that if all his patients are like me, he will go out of business because we ask too many questions.

We were beyond shocked by his rudeness and it was a real killjoy given the circumstances where we were really looking forward to our first OB visit to confirm the pregnancy. We never went back, obviously, and found another doctor who had very good bedside manners afterwards. In hindsight, I would have researched more on doctors with good bedside manners and gone to them instead."

Marie, 40

"Mama whale."

“During my 36th week check up with my OBGYN, who is a well-known doctor in a public hospital, she told me that my baby was on the bigger side. She said, 'You have to watch your diet, or you will have difficulties pushing the baby out.' She nonchalantly added, 'Your husband will have to help mama whale push out the baby harder.'

At that point, I felt a bit lost because I didn’t know if she was joking or not. There was a nurse assisting her and she smiled upon hearing the word 'whale'. I tried to keep my cool and smiled awkwardly. My husband was waiting outside as it was during the Covid period and only one person was allowed in the room.

I started tearing up after I left the room, as I felt pretty upset. I felt I was alone inside and took offence to her words. Perhaps it could be the pregnancy hormones at work. I even asked my husband if I looked like a whale. He said no, of course.

She is a pro-natural doc, and it fits in with my natural birth plans. Since I was 36 weeks in, I didn’t change my doctor. But if I could, I would have addressed the remark politely as I wouldn’t want her to say that to any other pregnant women especially since we would be more sensitive during that period.

In the end, the baby slipped out just fine within minutes. Otherwise, that gynae was motherly and didn’t talk much.”

Haseena, 30

"You cannot tahan pain hor."

“I was pregnant with my firstborn and pushing for a caesarean section 12 hours after my water broke. It was because the pain was crushing and I was nowhere near dilated enough to try for natural birth. So the doctor came in to check on me for the first time since I got to the hospital, and while putting on his surgical gloves, he said to me, 'Mmm, you cannot tahan pain hor.'

He said that to me while I was mid-contraction, and the reaction in my mind was, 'Shall I put this baby in your uterus?!'

The comment was super unnecessary. As a first-time mother, while I knew that childbirth would be painful, I did not expect the pain to be so soul-crushing. I am sensitive and an overthinker, so his comment made me feel like perhaps I was opting for a C-section purely because of the pain I was in.

Weeks postpartum, I researched birthing pain levels to determine if experiences could indeed differ (so that I could stop feeling like a weakling).

I did feel like he lacked empathy and it’s rich coming from someone who has never had a uterine contraction. It did not spoil my entire experience with him as he is good at what he does and I was grateful that both my baby and I were healthy. The comment did nag me for a long time though.”

Jane, 37