“My Daughter Saw A Boy In Class With An Erection”

“My daughter the other day said, ‘Oh, this boy had an erection.’”

Mum-of-two Celeste Phua shared this during our Too Tired Mums conversation about how we teach our children about sex.

I was taken aback.

Celeste did not have all the details. Her 13-year-old daughter had simply mentioned what she saw and said she found it funny.

It was also her first year in a mixed school after coming from a girls’ school. Suddenly, puberty was not just something discussed in a textbook or encountered online. It was happening around her, among classmates her age.

“These are real things that are happening to kids in school,” Celeste said.

The sex talk is rarely one big talk

I used to imagine the sex talk as a singular event.

There would be a suitable age, a serious sit-down and perhaps even a mental script. I would explain everything calmly, answer a few questions and feel relieved that I had completed one of parenting’s more awkward duties.

Well, that has not been my experience.

With my own children, who are eight and 11 now, the talks come in short, unexpected bursts.

My daughter once asked me what intercourse meant while we were at the swimming pool. She was around nine then.

Perhaps the semi-private setting helped. We were together, but no one was close enough to overhear us. She may have felt safe enough to test the question on me.

I explained it simply and factually: that a penis goes inside a vagina. Since she had also asked how babies were made, I explained how the two were connected.

Then she stopped asking.

It felt as though she had pushed her boundary for the day, received enough information and was ready to move on.

Meanwhile, her younger brother listened quietly.

That’s what sex education has looked like in my family so far. Not one big talk, but many small ones.

Answer the question they are asking

When a child asks about sex, it’s easy to panic.

We may worry that answering honestly will expose them to too much, too soon. Or we may feel that once the subject comes up, we need to explain everything at once.

But a child asking what intercourse means may only want to know what the word means. She may not yet be asking about attraction, consent, contraception, pregnancy or relationships.

I have learnt to answer the question in front of me, using language my child can understand, and then pause.

If she wants to know more, she can ask. If she has heard enough, we can return to the subject another day.

This takes some pressure off me too. I do not need to deliver the perfect sex-education speech. I only need to respond in a way that makes the next conversation possible.

What I can control is my reaction

My children watch YouTube when I’m not with them.

I know they may encounter sexualised content, suggestive jokes or unfamiliar words even when they are not actively looking for them. As they grow older, I will have even less control over what they see and hear.

What I can control is how I respond when they bring something to me.

I try not to gasp, laugh awkwardly or immediately demand to know where they learnt it. I try to answer truthfully without adding a layer of shame.

That doesn’t mean I’m not surprised or appalled, of course.

But children notice our reactions. A horrified look or a panicked “Why are you asking me this?” may be enough to tell them that a subject is embarrassing, dirty or off-limits.

And when the questions become more complicated, I do not want my children to decide that their friends or the internet are safer sources than I am.

Celeste spoke about how much sexualised content her teenage daughter encounters through social media and popular culture.

Her daughter already knows sex exists. The challenge is helping her understand what she is seeing and how to navigate it.

“I do not know where my daughter consumes information, and that’s why I’d rather she come to me,” Celeste said.

The truth is, parents may not always be their children’s first source of information. By the time we decide they are ready for the sex talk, they may already have heard words from classmates, watched videos online or formed ideas of their own.

But perhaps we can still be the source they trust enough to return to.

The fact that Celeste’s daughter told her about the boy in class suggested that she did not expect to be scolded, shamed or shut down.

That kind of trust is not built through one conversation. It grows each time a child raises an awkward subject and watches how we respond.

Openness does not mean no boundaries

Celeste also tells her daughter that if she makes a mistake, she will need to take responsibility for it — but her parents will still be there.

I appreciate that balance.

Talking openly about sex does not mean encouraging children to become sexually active.

Removing shame does not mean removing values, boundaries or consequences.

It means letting our children know they can tell us the truth, even when the truth is uncomfortable.

Many of us did not grow up with that kind of openness. Sex was treated as embarrassing, improper or simply not discussed. We quickly learnt which questions made adults uncomfortable and stopped asking them.

Now, as parents, some of us are trying to do things differently.

I don’t expect my children to tell me every detail of their lives. As they grow, they will need privacy and independence.

But I hope they will know there is no subject so shameful that they have to face it alone.

Because the sex talk is not one major conversation we can prepare for, complete and tick off our parenting checklist.

It’s ongoing, and it happens in the small moments when our children test whether it’s safe to tell us more.

Watch the Too Tired Mums episode here.

Too Tired Mums is The Singapore Women’s Weekly’s original talk show series that gives motherhood its most honest voice — where real mums open up about the things we don’t always say out loud, reminding us that we’re never truly alone.

Host: Estelle Low
Guest: Celeste Phua
Producer: Maya Eman
Art director: Michelle Lee
Videography, studio setup and editing: Studio+65
Makeup: Dorcas Yam, using Dior
Hairstyling: Pattama Phumriew, using Schwarzkopf Osis+
Fashion styling: Angela Chu, assisted by Tricia Fan
Outfits: On Estelle, Onitsuka Tiger. On Celeste, Brunello Cucinelli