My K2 Kid Checks Into Preschool On His Own
“Teaching our kids independence is our best way of protecting them,” says mother-of-three Teng Yi Ling.
By Teng Yi Ling as told to Ng Mei Yan -
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When her kids were preschoolers, Teng Yi Ling started teaching them about road safety. Now, they go to school on their own, and help out with chores at home. Yi Ling, 40, shares why and how she’s raising independent kids – even if her methods may sometimes raise eyebrows.
My husband and I do not believe in overparenting. We have never been the sort of parents who hover over their toddlers at the playground.
We also didn’t think twice about letting our kids walk to and from school starting from P1 or commute for a few MRT stops to get to enrichment class all on their own.
We are on a journey to raise independent kids, and that has been intentional from the start. I want my children – 12, nine and six – to grow up confident, resourceful and unafraid of the world. To get there, it pays to start early.
Why I’m raising independent kids
I adopted this parenting approach partly because I was raised with lots of independence. And I have seen just how much I have benefitted from that.
Starting from primary school, I would draw up my own schedule during the school holidays – there would be time for schoolwork and time for play.
I was a competitive swimmer and later joined the track and field team as well. With long hours of training, I had to be very efficient with the rest of my hours to keep up with school.
At home, we didn’t have a helper and were expected to wash our own dishes after each meal.
All of these practices helped instill self-discipline and resilience from an early age. It wasn’t until much later that I discovered that the way I was brought up was not typical.
Starting them young
It was during our marriage prep course that my husband Leon and I agreed that we wanted to raise our future children with discipline and independence. In practice, we did so in age-appropriate ways.
When our kids were toddlers, they were allowed to explore the playgrounds freely – no helicopter parenting. As they became proficient walkers (runners), we allowed them to totter far ahead of us, sometimes out of sight.
Since the first day of Primary 1, my daughter has been walking to school and coming back on her own. Her primary school is just a five-minute walk away. My older kids are also able to commute alone on public transport for short distances to attend enrichment classes.
When they get home from school, they know how to warm up food from the fridge or make themselves a sandwich for lunch. They are also well-trained with their to-do list (eat, shower and do homework) and will complete their tasks whether or not there is an adult at home.
Our youngest child, now in K2, occasionally checks himself into preschool in the mornings. We drop him off at the car porch and he walks to the centre within the mall. His teachers would be notified beforehand if he was going to be unaccompanied.
All our children help with simple chores like folding the laundry, cleaning the table, washing their own shoes and even cooking rice for the entire family.
We don’t have a helper. Leon, who works as a procurement manager, travels about once a month for work while I keep part-time hours as a self-employed maternity consultant. When work gets busy, I trust the kids to manage themselves after school and most of the time, they do.
We can’t prepare for every scenario
None of our children go around with a phone. While we bought trackers, the kids often don’t bring them along with them.
The truth is that we can’t prepare them for every little thing that might go wrong. Rather, depending on each child’s readiness, we teach them the life skills so they can handle curveballs as they come.
We first start with road safety when they are preschoolers. Older kids who need to commute independently will need to learn how to ask for help if they lose their way. We also teach the children not to open the door to anyone if they are home alone, even if it’s someone they recognise.
Once, our oldest son took the wrong bus to his tuition and only realised something was wrong 40 minutes into the ride. Thankfully he borrowed a stranger’s phone to call me and I was able to redirect him to his destination.
A scarier incident happened with our middle child. She was over an hour late to join us for dinner (about three MRT stops away) after her gymnastics class. I called the school, whose staff thankfully managed to locate her in the vicinity. She had somehow forgotten the way even though she had taken the same route before.
We were all emotional that evening after she was found. But what was important was that we didn’t scare her further such as to deter her from commuting on her own in future.
We were mindful to reassure our daughter that it was okay to make mistakes, and to try again.
After this incident, Leon and I reflected privately and discussed if we needed to change the way we did things. But we ultimately decided to stick with our approach for our children’s long-term benefit.
The road is long, but it’s worth it
When we share with our peers the way we raise our children, they’re often surprised and maybe even a little envious at how independent our kids are.
It isn’t a difficult thing to do. However, training the children to be independent takes a period of consistency and one needs to be prepared to invest the effort.
The hard part is letting go, being ready to face the consequences, and fearing that something bad would happen.
My parents are proud of how capable their grandkids are, though my mum would remind me (rightfully) to never disclose on social media when the children would be alone at home.
While we raise our children to be independent, we are mindful to connect deeply with them. In fact, when the children are able to get on top of all their own practical affairs, the adults can focus fully on being present with them.
The entire family takes part in a nightly chat where we share about our day. If there were difficult moments such as when the children were reprimanded earlier, we would unpack our feelings.
These nightly chats are important in deepening our emotional bonds with the children. I’m sure for most of us in traditional Asian households, we never had the opportunity to do this with our parents. I’m also always there at school events so they never feel alone.
I don’t think our parenting style suits everyone but it works for our family. So to the naysayers, you do you and I’ll do me.
And to our kids, while we raise them to stand on their own in the world, I also want them to know that no matter what life brings, they can always come home to us. We’ll be here.
This story is part of The Singapore Women’s Weekly’s FOMO (Family Of My Own) series, where we celebrate inspiring young couples who are redefining the Singapore family dream. Know someone who fits the bill? Drop us a line at sww@sph.com.sg.