How We Treat Helpers Will Not Go Unnoticed By Our Kids

What happens when your child’s caregivers become their abuser?

This has been weighing on my mind ever since the recent Kinderland abuse cases came to light, and more shockingly, the recent sexual assault by a domestic helper on two young toddlers left in her care.

As parents who choose to leave our children in the hands of other caregivers so that we can go out to work, there comes a whole new level of guilt when we find that the caregivers have mistreated our children… because we were the ones who handed our vulnerable children over to them in the first place.

Did I miss the warning signs or cues?

Why did I not realise it sooner?

Was I not observant enough of my child, or in sync enough with their needs, even though they may not be able to verbalise them in words?

Or was the perpetrator simply too good at hiding their tracks?

These recent sagas have raised questions about accountability, and also threatened to undermine the trust that we have placed in our children’s caregivers. 

Last month, it was a preschool teacher. Then, it was a domestic helper. Next month, it could very well be a highly-recommended tuition teacher or even a family member at a nanny’s place.

Because child abuse can happen to any kid – as long as they aren’t under our own care – incidents like these make us question whether our decision to go back to work and leave our kids in the hands of another is the right one.

Some mothers may even see this as a sign for them to quit their job and become a full-time caregiver of their children.

I’ve tried that before, but it didn’t work for me. It drove me crazy; I was filled with resentment that I had to give up my professional career – which I worked so hard to build – just because I was now a mother.

So, what is a working mother to do?

Why I chose to hire a helper

Growing up in a dual-income family meant that I was primarily raised by domestic helpers, rather than my parents. Our household worked through several helpers until my sister and I completed our A-Level exams.

When I became a parent and realised that I was not suited for the stay-at-home-mum (SAHM) life, my husband and I agreed to hire a helper.

While some of my friends are averse to the idea of getting a foreign domestic worker (FDW) because of trust issues or a reluctance to share their living space with a stranger, we didn’t have such concerns since both my husband and I spent years growing up in such a manner.

Financially, it made sense because having a helper to look after our kids would free up our time to work, build up our savings and achieve financial stability.

Advice for parents hiring a helper

Firstly, you need to understand that hiring a good and trustworthy helper is quite often a matter of luck.

You can be the nicest employer, but if your helper is someone who does not reciprocate, then it will hardly matter. I’ve had friends who treat their helpers like a family member, but even that couldn’t stop them from running away or leaving for another employer upon the end of their contract.

Your expectations matter, because these will set the stage for how satisfied you will be with your helper later on, especially if she commits errors or accidents on the job.

Here are my top tips to find a good and trustworthy helper:

1. Screen your helper and conduct due diligence

Just like how companies screen their job applicants through interviews and background checks, you should assess your prospective helper’s suitability to work in your household via an interview, and check her employment history.

After all, you have to be careful when choosing a helper – especially if you’ll be entrusting your defenceless young children to them. Choosing a FDW with a proven track record is also important because this is someone who will be living with your family.

You can do a check on their employment history via MOM’s FDW eService portal, or get it from the employment agency if you’ve yet to hire your helper. Look out for how many employment contracts she has completed to date, and the reasons for terminations or non-renewals. A FDW who has spent less than a year at each household may be a red flag, so study her employment history carefully.

In our case, our helper had spent nine years at her former employer raising their toddler, followed by another year in a different household as a replacement helper for one that was sent home for an extended home leave. She was let go for valid reasons by both her former employers, and I didn’t find any warning signs when I checked her employment history. 

While some go further to request reference checks from their previous employers, you may not always be able to get the contact information. In such cases, ask why.

2. Come up with a checklist of attributes you want

Every household has different dynamics and priorities, so you’d want to start by drawing up a checklist of must-haves and good-to-haves together with your partner. 

Here’s ours:

It is up to you how strict you want to be with your helper, and whether you wish to come up with a schedule for her to follow. Regardless of your methods, you should lay out these expectations at the get-go, ideally during the interview or no later than her first day of work.

3. Establish your ground rules once she’s in

It is a good idea to establish your ground rules on the first day, including whether she’s allowed to use her phone during working hours, her access to your home Wi-Fi, etc.

Because of how prevalent social media has become, you should also talk about whether she’s allowed to take photos or videos of your children on her phone, as well as how you feel about her posting these on social media platforms.

To prevent future scheduling conflicts, you may also want to talk about public holidays and come to an agreement on her off days, especially if you need her to be flexible due to unforeseen circumstances on your end (e.g. work or other family affairs).

Of course, it doesn’t hurt to install CCTVs. Most helpers will understand as long as you explain why your house has them.

4. Communicate your deal-breakers

It is crucial that you let your helper know the non-negotiables or intolerable acts that you will not stand for.

Some employers condemn stealing and would dismiss their helper over theft, since it signifies a break in trust. Others might be more forgiving, but put a hard stop if the helper crosses certain boundaries.

These are the deal-breakers for my helper:

• No borrowing of money from loan sharks (she’s encouraged to come to me instead for any cash advance requests or a loan, and she has)
• No physical abuse or hitting our kids
• No wearing of revealing tops or butt-exposing shorts
• Good personal hygiene (shower at least once a day) 

To facilitate a positive employer-employee relationship, you should also not expect your helper to be able to read your mind when it comes to expectations, especially if you fail to communicate them in the first place. I find that this is often the biggest source of conflict and unhappiness. Based on my childhood experiences, my father would scold our helper(s) for not having done something when he didn’t give the instructions in the first place.

From his viewpoint, he expected his helpers to know because it was “common sense” to him.

My favourite response to that is: common sense is not common.

5. Treat them with respect

Finally, my best advice would be to treat your helper with respect and in a way that you would like to be treated. After all, she is human too.

My helper gets to eat at the same table as us, and we make it a point to celebrate her birthday every year. Every now and then, I will also pay for her to go for a massage or take her along our overseas holiday. Even though she is our employee, I do not talk to her in an authoritative manner; instead, I give my instructions as requests (“can you help me iron this dress?”) and use “please” and “thank you” each time.

By cultivating a strong relationship with your helper, she will hopefully be less inclined to commit wrongful acts towards your children or your household.

What’s more, our children are watching; how we treat our helper(s) will not go unnoticed by them.

My sibling treated our last few helpers like slaves and frequently ordered them around, which I suspect was picked up from watching our parents.

I, on the other hand, watched how my best friend and her parents treated their helper – with respect and as an equal being – and chose to follow that. As a result, I enjoy a close relationship with my helper.

If we want and hope for our helpers to treat our children with love, care and respect, then we must start with treating our helpers the same.

We’ll then have to leave everything else to luck and fate.

Dawn Cher is a working mother of two preschoolers, who is thankful she didn’t have to give up her career because her kids are well taken care of by her domestic helper and preschool teachers.