Clarke Gayford: “It Was Always Two Of Us Deciding, How Will We Make This Work?”
Being a stay-at-home dad is rare. Clarke Gayford is fiance to Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of New Zealand. He explains why he chose to be a stay-at-home dad to their toddler daughter
By Tara Barker -
Jacinda Ardern made headlines when she gave birth to a baby girl in 2018. As Prime Minister of New Zealand, she was the first elected world leader ever to take maternity leave. More headlines followed when her fiance Clarke Gayford announced he was giving up his successful career to become a stay-at-home dad.
He’s not too well-known in Singapore, but in New Zealand, Clarke Gayford is a celebrity in his own right. He’s a DJ and radio host, and he's helmed hit television shows, including Fish of the Day. So his decision to step back from his career and be a stay-at-home dad raised some eyebrows.
But Clarke says the decision just made sense. On a recent visit to Singapore, he told The Singapore Women’s Weekly, “When you’re in a partnership with someone you tackle the problems that come up. If you don’t have children you might have to tackle the problem of where you’re going to go on holiday or which restaurant you’re going to eat at. And then when you have a child you have a whole new set of problems you need answers to. I never saw parenting as a solo pursuit. It was always the two of us - deciding “Okay, how will we make this work?”
But he admits that becoming a hands-on parent took some adjustment. When baby Neve Te Aroha was just three months old Jacinda Ardern, now 41, became the first world leader to attend the United Nations general assembly meeting with her baby. The couple even found time to play with their baby, before Jacinda gave a speech at the Nelson Mandela peace summit. While she spoke, Clarke, now 45, held their three-month-old baby on his lap. He also posted to social media about how a Japanese delegation was startled to open an office door and find him changing his baby's diapers.
On this trip to Singapore, they shared the workload again. While Jacinda met politicians Clarke whizzed down the Kiwi-owned Skyline Luge Sentosa to enthusiastically promote family tourism to New Zealand. He also told us how he deals with being a stay-at-home dad. Because his path is still not that common, especially in Singapore. Let's look deeper;
Clarke may see his decision to step up to daddy duty as a no-brainer, but it’s still rare for dads to stay home and be the primary caregiver. Many don't even take their full entitlement of paternity leave.
In Singapore, all fathers of Singapore citizens are entitled to two weeks paid paternity leave, funded by the government. But only about 55 per cent of fathers take up this leave, according to the Ministry of Social and Family Development. Some men say their employers are not happy to give them time off, others say they worry they won't be good at looking after a child.
The situation is similar in Australia, where fathers are also entitled to two weeks’ paid leave. But only about four to five per cent of families take it up, according to the Australian Institute of Family Studies. In the UK only two per cent of couples have taken up shared parental leave, which was introduced in 2015 to allow two parents to share 50 weeks of leave and 37 weeks of pay. And in Clarke’s home country of New Zealand, only about four per cent of fathers take the legally-sanctioned two weeks leave.
And if taking paternity leave is rare, staying home with the kids is even rarer. In Singapore, there are around 1,500 stay-at-home fathers, according to the most recent figures in the Ministry of Manpower’s Labour Force in Singapore report.
So what has Clarke learned from being a primary caregiver? “It's taught me patience. If you’re in a supermarket and your child is refusing to walk down the aisle because you’ve just passed a favourite snack, you can’t just ‘make it happen’. You have to go back and get down to their level and explain why they can’t have that chocolate, or whatever distracted them.”
Clarke says parenting has also taught him planning - and the importance of parenting teamwork. “We discuss it all, like “What’s the weather going to be like?” to “Have we packed enough clothes?” Because we’re not just dressing ourselves now, we’re also dressing a small child. All the jobs have to be divided up by us, working together… and that way you just get it done.”
Clarke says he hasn’t been criticised for his decision to stay home - not to his face, anyway. He shrugs and says, “Everyone’s been good. It’s a testament to the changing world we live in... it’s just much more acceptable now, to do something like this.
“I’ll be walking down the road and some guy will make the effort to cross the road and come over to talk to me. They are always excited to talk. Because becoming a stay-at-home dad might be something they were worried about - and then they’ve found it’s one of the best things they’ve ever done.”
Perhaps it’s natural for a man to be worried about becoming stay-at-home dad. Because many people feel very free to criticise this decision.
In 2020, stay-at-home dads and their spouses in Singapore were interviewed by researchers at the Institute of Policy Studies and NUS. They found that stay-at-home fathers often faced negative remarks from friends and family. Some were accused of being “lazy” or wasting their education and talents. Others were told they could never do a good job of raising their children because mothers are just naturally the best caregivers.
Yet the fathers explained they had chosen to stay home because they felt it was the best option for the child. They wanted to shape their child's development and teach them important life skills and values. They did not want to rely on grandparents, childcare centers or domestic workers.
So while the dads admitted the criticisms stung, they took comfort from seeing how well their children developed under their care. They also felt proud of how their parenting skills improved, over time.
Clarke admits it’s been a steep learning curve, “Before you have a child you hear all the cliches about lack of sleep and how having a child is going to change your life and you think “Yeah… it will be fine. We’ll just make the child fit in around our lifestyle.” But it doesn’t work like that - at all. It’s quite the opposite. Within days the child is dictating every moment of your life, including when you can sleep.
“So you just need to be prepared for moments when it’s tough when there’s not much sleep and it’s overwhelming. But you get through those times. And a month later everything’s different, and a month later it’s all different again. You go through this wonderful roller coaster ride of emotions. You think you’ve finally got it all sorted as a parent - and then the child changes again.”
And now everything is changing again. Little Neve is now aged three, and old enough to go to kindergarten for part of the day. So Clarke is coming back to work, at least part-time. His award-winning travel show Fish Of The Day is a cross between a travel, fishing and cooking show, and it sees him snorkeling, diving and fishing all around New Zealand, then getting local chefs to cook the fish. He’s also just released his new cookbook, with all his favourite fish recipes from the series.
He explains,” I’m slowly getting back into filming my various TV shows, But it’s a real balance because you feel pretty guilty. Especially with my job, because I have to go away to film. That's been the trickiest adjustment, dealing with the guilt of being away. You have a small person who’s dependent on you… you feel like you should be there all the time.”
Luckily, Neve has supportive grandparents on both sides who can help look after her. And Clarke says he’s determined to still spend plenty of quality time with his daughter. He says, “She loves the beach. Her favourite thing is when it's just the two of us. We might go down to the beach. We go into the surf and just jump waves and play.”