This Is The Biggest Warning Sign Of Divorce – And How Couples Can Fix It
Experts have described it as a major factor in separation and divorce. So how can you stop contempt from creeping in and ruining your relationship?
Contempt can be deep-rooted and destructive. But often it seeps into a relationship unnoticed. Marriage experts have described it as a key contributor to divorce. But do you know what contempt looks like? Would you recognise it if it emerged between you and your partner?
Disrespect, mocking behaviour, cruel humour, coldness, dismissiveness, put-downs, sarcasm, name-calling, eye-rolling and sneering – all these behaviours equal contempt. They are the opposite of what is needed for a relationship to thrive, says Sue Pratt, counselling psychologist at LifeWorks.
"Relationships need to be based on a culture of warmth and on language that is caring and tender. Contempt crushes those things," she says.
Contempt is usually accompanied by a couple becoming critical and defensive and this eats away at goodwill. "There comes a point when the person at the end of the contempt has experienced it so often that they turn away and you can't turn back," says Pratt.
It can be learned through family relationships – so if parents or a loved one use contempt we mirror that because that's how we think relationships work. It may also stem from a sense of power and entitlement, or is used to gain control over someone or a situation.
"It can also be a defensive response to cover your own vulnerability and confusion," says Pratt. "You're in a contemptuous relationship if you feel lesser than, you're spoken at and not to, you're humiliated, and every idea or feeling or need you express is diminished, ridiculed or minimised. What you bring to the relationship is reduced because your partner is saying whatever you say, need or feel is of no consequence."
How can you prevent contempt from ruining your relationship?
Contempt has such a devastating effect on a relationship that once you recognise it, you really need to stop it in its tracks. Here are seven ways forward.
When one person is detached and the other is on the receiving end of their contempt, both people are angry and hurt and flooded with stress. "It's not a good time to try and stop it or stand up to it when the other person is still contemptuous; things will only escalate," says Pratt.
"Notice the physical reactions and tension in your partner's body. It can take 20 minutes for our body to soothe itself and get back to a restful state. Then you can try and do some repair work."
Tune in to the feelings under the contempt – yours or your partner's. "Often underneath the contempt is fear – I will never be loved, I won't be heard, I won't be in control," says Pratt. "Is your partner afraid right now? Imagine what they are feeling. Can you say, 'I see why you feel like that. I can see you are angry right now. I understand it'?
Stepping into the other person's experience is a great antidote to contempt. Tune in to the underbelly feelings and you may see a shift from contempt to connection and a feeling of being understood."
The person displaying contempt must take responsibility for their behaviour. "Tell your partner you didn't realise how harmful your behaviour has been and that you are genuinely sorry," says Pratt. "And then explain what you have really been trying to express to your partner."
Many people on the receiving end of contempt don't want to leave their relationship – they just want the contempt to stop.
Physiological de-arousal techniques can take the edge off the heightened feelings that can lead to contemptuous behaviour.
Try deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation where you tense muscles and then relax them. Start with each hand and arm and gradually move through the body from your head and shoulders down to your chest, hips, buttocks, legs and feet. Tense and clench and then relax.
The antidote to contempt is building a culture of fondness and admiration, says Dr John Gottman, a US-based relationship expert. Talking about happier times in the past can help couples reconnect with fondness.
"If you revive fondness and admiration for each other, you are more likely to approach conflict resolution as a team," says Dr Gottman. So, when contempt creeps in, make time to remember how and why you became a couple.
Think about your first impressions of each other, remember your first date, how you decided you wanted to be together and what moments stand out as the happiest in your relationship.
It's okay for your partner to think and feel differently – accept that nobody is right or wrong. "Then, when a difference arises and is followed through in our behaviour, we can give that assertive 'I' message as a complaint rather than a criticism," explains Frederika Davies, a counsellor at Relationships Australia WA.
"Let's say you've asked your partner to pick up their clothes from the floor but they continue to throw them on the floor. Sarcastically I say, 'Who is the maid here? You're such a lazy slob.' Or I could instead say, 'When you continue to drop your clothes on the floor and I've asked you not to do it, I feel taken for granted and hurt that you don't listen."
"You need meaningful endurance – both of you need to be willing to work at the contempt in your relationship," says Davies. "Both parties need to want to learn ways to speak respectfully about their needs and to be prepared to listen to each other.
Awareness is the first step to change – you can't change until you realise what you're doing and see its impact on your partner, your relationship and yourself."
Text: bauersyndication.com.au