8 Ways You May Be Unintentionally Stressing Your Kid Out 

For years now, depression, anxiety and suicide has been a worrisome rising trend in our local schools. While triggers for these mental issues vary, some stemming from social problems like bullying, others from family troubles such as divorce or parental incarceration, many cases have been prompted by academic failure and the inability to meet personal or parental expectations in the area of examination results. 

Despite MOE tweaking the education system in an attempt to pare down its emphasis on exams and results, there remains a high degree of anxiety on the ground when it comes to academic performance. Parents are still worried about their children falling behind and not getting into good schools, tuition centre subscriptions are still soaring sky high, and kids are feeling the pressure more than ever. These are some ways you may be unintentionally stressing them out.   

You send them to enrichment classes without checking if they’re interested.

Enrichment classes seem to be the imperative norm these days, with eager parents sending even tiny toddlers to give them a head start in life. Music, dance, sport, Montessori play, forest play, language, literacy, computer literacy (with coding being the latest craze)… I mean, does every six-year old really need to learn how to code? Are they all going to be good at it? Should they all become programmers?

Instead of repeating the age-old mistake of trying to force square pegs into round holes, shouldn’t we be discovering our children’s natural bents by allowing them to discover and decide for themselves? I know too many lawyers-turned designer/musician/entrepreneur/yoga instructor (all true stories) to believe otherwise. All of them will testify that they were pressured by their parents to pursue a profession they basically hated in the end, and all of them regret having wasted their youth on that pursuit. 

All their weekends are packed with lessons and classes. 

Weekends are precious for everyone, so spending whole weekends in remedial and enrichment classes—while still needing to get a bunch of homework done before Monday— can really pile on the pressure for a kid, not to mention you as a parent. Granted, that’s the best time to catch up with schoolwork, but that’s also the only chance to spend quality time with the family! Consider taking the time off on weekends to recharge instead, so the whole family can get their love tanks refilled and be empowered to take on a new week. Everyone needs strict rest days in order to stay productive and function at their best. 

They have practically no unscheduled time to play or do their own thing.

Apart from meals and sleep, they are left with essentially no time for rest or play. Is play important? Why yes, even for adults, but infinitely more so for children! Students need to play too, because play continues to benefit them in social-emotional and intellectual development, teaching them to think flexibly and creatively, while helping them to regulate their moods by giving them a healthy outlet for coping with stress. Just like adults need downtime and me time, so do kids in order to stay mentally, emotionally and physically healthy.

You find yourself hurrying and herding them from one activity to another.

As parents, our job is to instil and model moderation for our children. Driving them from one extracurricular activity to another, day after day without respite, teaches them the very opposite—to overwork and overschedule themselves. We need to set goals for them that can be achieved in a sustainable way instead. Striking a healthy study-life balance now teaches your children underrated life skills—how to relax and rest, how to manage stress in a healthy way, and how to derive satisfaction in life later. 

The majority of the time you spend with them is spent supervising schoolwork or preparing for exams.

If you’re spending more time nagging about homework and grilling them for tests, than time recreationally bonding and relaxing together, chances are the kids are feeling more stressed out by you than loved. Yes, yes, you are of course doing it all out of immense love for them and their welfare, but it’s hard for a child to consistently recognise that above their feelings of being pressured. Just as it is important to exercise to stay physically healthy, it is also important to engage in leisurely and fun family activities in order to maintain the health of your family relationships. In fact, quality family time can improve a child’s general well-being, confidence, behaviour, and academic performance!

You’re constantly monitoring and asking them about their grades.

It may surprise you to learn that a 2016 study by Arizona State University observed that students whose parents put a disproportionate emphasis on academic achievement had more learning and behavioural problems at school, and ultimately performed more poorly academically. The study found, on the other hand, that children who believed their parents valued compassion, kindness and other social skills had better grades and suffered less from anxiety and depression. One of the study’s co-authors, ASU Foundation Professor of Psychology Suniya Luthar suggested that the first group of parents were perhaps unintentionally “sowing the seeds of stress.” Which group of parents would you rather belong to?

You compare their academic performance with their peers.

If your answer to the previous question is “the second group”, then this kind of comparing behaviour is clearly off bounds. The detriment of comparing your little darling with anyone—be it your niece or nephew, the kid next door, their best friend, the class monitor, whoever—is just immense. Aside from diminishing the trust they have in you, such hurtful comparison (even if not maliciously intended) erodes a young person’s self-esteem and confidence. An offhanded casual remark could deliver a critical blow to their personal development and progress. Instead of being motivational, comparison tends to be demotivating and debilitating. After all, why bother trying when you can never be the best? You child needs to feel loved and unconditionally accepted and celebrated by you—their biggest advocate.

You constantly talk about their future—what school they should get into, what occupation they should pursue, etc. 

Sometimes we need to inspire vision and set goals for our children—all that is well and good. Unfortunately, setting unrealistic goals and applying pressure on our young charges to achieve them can backfire. It is easy to see how experiencing such pressure can create performance anxiety in children, and this explains why young students are attempting suicide more and more often these days, and sometimes succeeding. One facet of this issue stems from the sad fact that kids these days have very little choice in managing their own lives. If they’re not allowed to play how and when they want (within limits of course), or to decide what skill they should learn and hone because it’s something they actually enjoy and thrive at, it’s no wonder that they may feel crushed by the weight of stress and seek unhealthy relief from it. 

Fortunately, our children look to us for help and guidance, and we can help by giving them space to be themselves, and time to rest and enjoy life unburdened as children!