Why We Chose Not to Delay Starting Our Family (Even Without A House)
The timings of your birth plan and housing plan may not always be aligned. For me, the extra help from parents came in handy, and allowed my husband and me to continue working without too many worries.
By Dawn Cher -
Many couples would choose to first get a house of their own before they think about having children. After all, who wouldn’t want to enjoy your “honeymoon period” with your own space to host your friends and parties before kids come along?
But of course, life doesn’t always go according to plan. Especially not when you live in a country like Singapore, where getting a house can sometimes be a difficult affair.
Today, a Built-To-Order (BTO) flat generally takes four to six years of waiting to complete, whereas resale homes are either old or more expensive (sometimes both). As a result, some couples have chosen to put their plans for children on hold.
But for my husband and I, we didn’t want to let our housing plans (or lack thereof) get in the way of our birth plans. There were no new BTO launches in the location that we wanted then, and we didn’t have enough for the downpayment of a resale flat either.
Instead of rushing to get a house, we wanted to wait until we were more financially stable, so we decided to stay with his parents for the time being.
Healthcare experts often say that the best age for a woman to get pregnant is in her 20s to early 30s, as that is when she is at her reproductive peak.
While it can be tempting to delay having children until you’re much older, more financially stable, or until you have a house… there’s one thing we cannot stop: our biological clock.
Having seen other couples around us talk about their challenges getting pregnant (and for some, after multiple failed IVF attempts), we thought it would be better to have children while we were still young and healthy.
For me, I was worried that if I didn’t conceive before turning 30, I might have to go through painful rounds of needles from IVF later on.
I moved into my in-laws’ house after marriage, and had our first child when I was 28. Looking back, I was thankful for the extra help we got when our baby was born. My in-laws even helped to buy fresh groceries from the market for our confinement nanny to prepare my meals with.
As a result, I could focus on my wound recovery and breastfeeding, while leaving everything else to the nanny (and my in-laws).
Of course, we had our disagreements (such as whether to breastfeed) from time to time, but there was nothing a civil and polite discussion couldn’t address.
As my baby grew up, it was also helpful to have my in-laws around, who would bring him out for walks so that my husband and I could get some work done.
Due to the extra help we got, it didn’t feel like it would be overwhelming if we had another child, so we had our second son two years later.
One good thing about waiting to buy our house only after we became parents was that we became more knowledgeable on what to do, and what housing pitfalls to avoid.
For instance, a number of my friends ended up having to sell their marital home just so they could move into another place within 1km of their desired primary school, as it was not something they had factored in when they bought their first house.
Some others moved because they realised they needed a bigger space to accommodate their growing family size.
My dream house prior to becoming a parent was a BTO flat in a fairly new estate. I liked it then for its proximity to an MRT station, and quiet surroundings. But with hindsight, we realised that would have been a terrible move, as there are almost no primary schools within a 1km radius.
It is thus a good thing that we bought our current house only after becoming parents. By then, we were more practical, and factored in all of our friends’ housing oversights into our own decision-making process.
Today, although we no longer stay with our in-laws, we made sure to buy a house that is within walking distance of theirs.
This brings me to the biggest benefit of having them with us: it allows us to better achieve a work-life balance.
Both my husband and I have jobs that do not have fixed working hours. My husband is a property agent and often has viewings at night, while I work on my side hustle after 6pm. In the first three years of my child’s life, I was still able to continue teaching tuition on weekday evenings and weekends because my in-laws took over the baby duties.
The convenience is amazing. The best part is, my kids are happy too. They have a close relationship with their grandparents, and have picked up Mandarin from them.
While everyone has different beliefs and priorities, my view is that couples may want to rethink whether putting their birth plans on hold until they get a house is, in fact, the best option.
For us, although we feel a tinge of regret at never having had our own space and privacy to enjoy our honeymoon period in, we make up for it by going on more couple dates and escaping for the occasional staycation.
My biggest fear was that if we waited to get our own place before having a child, my reproductive organs may not be at their peak anymore. Which was why we made the decision that we did.
As a wise relative told me: “Having children is not always about when you want to have them. Your body needs to cooperate, too.”
Whether one has children in their own place or not, I believe there are always ways to make it work.
After all, that’s partially what life and being a parent is all about - finding ways to make things work.
Dawn Cher is a mother of two boys and the founder of financial blog SG Budget Babe. Work aside, she is proudest about having lost 20kg in a year, becoming lighter than her pre-pregnancy days. She believes in fairytales (don't tell her otherwise!).